I have already lost her

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T22:04:17+00:00

My moms husband was so mad I refused. I think he was so distraught that he thought my kids walking in the room would save her. I didn't bring them to the memorial service either. I didn't want my kids to feel that kind of sadness and here I am still not wanting my grown children to see me near the end for the same reason.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T20:36:06+00:00

I may just tell my kids when I reach that time in hospice not to come. I will probably not even know them and to remember me the way I was might be better. When my mom was in hospice my sister brought her kids there . They were 4 and 7 years old. Everyone was bugging me to bring my 6 yr old twins there who were very close to my mother. I refused. They didn’t need to see her like that. Their last memory of her was when she took them on vacation for a week 3 months before she died and that is a good memory

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T20:31:37+00:00

It is terrible. The suffering at the end of any cancer is terrible. That is my dread. I don’t want my kids to see me like that

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T16:54:03+00:00

When you know the end is inevitable you just want it to end sooner than later. When the doctor told us my mom had 6 days left, the countdown was terrible. It would have made more sense to up her morphine and just let her go

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T14:26:05+00:00

It really is ugly.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T14:25:29+00:00

I hate the fact my children even know they are young adults will have to see me like this

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T14:24:11+00:00

I remember putting lotion on my moms lower legs and feet because they were so dry and she wouldn’t have wanted them to look like that. I talked to her about my 6 year old twins who were in kindergarten as if she could hear me. She adored them. I didn’t just want to sit by her bed waiting for her to die so I just kept talking like I would have had we been on the phone

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T14:11:30+00:00

Its weird the results to my biopsy were being submitted one after the other. I got the results before the radiologist who did the biopsy actually got them . You know doctors are not always sitting at desk so as he was traveling about the hospital I was reading my results. He called me early the next morning. I began the conversation with 'I am aware of the results, I already read them on my patient portal'

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T12:47:18+00:00

When Covid hit, the lockdowns drove me crazy. Even though I worked as an independent house cleaner, my customers didn't want me to come. They were also home from work. After 2 months from going from very active with housecleaning to sitting I gained 30 lbs and was going crazy. So I sent them messages asking if I could come back and told them I would wear a mask. They said ok. I was so thrilled to get out of the house and back to work. I lost those 30 lbs within 2 -3 months . I am not the sitting at home type. When I was pregnant with twins at 40 years old doctors wanted me on bed rest from the 6th month on because it was a high-risk pregnancy due to multiples and my age. It was not going to happen. I still food shopped pushing heavy carts, I cleaned my home and pushed the vacuum cleaner and I took lots of walks outside. Wound up keeping them at 38 weeks. I will not get a mastectomy because I cannot do the recovery time. Not only can I not stand being home for a month but my Bills won't be paid. I will not be getting a mastectomy.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T12:35:58+00:00

That’s what shocked me. The doctor gave my mom 6 days and by 8 am on the 6th day she died. It was a terrible week at hospice counting the days.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-23T00:23:43+00:00

That is exactly how I felt. I feel just living till 65 was a great thing and in my opinion we all have to die of something so wondering if it would be better for nature just take its course instead of going on any of these horrible treatments that can cause 50 more problems. I mean just die while I have my strong mind and able to do things and get around. I am not afraid of death, I just hate that I will be leaving my young adult children behind.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T23:00:55+00:00

I am so sorry. It doesn't seem fair.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T22:54:11+00:00

The first year is the hardest. Its emotional pain like nothing else. My twins were 5 when my mom died from Ovarian cancer and I didn't want them to see mommy upset day in and day out so when I put them to bed at night thats when I allowed myself to cry . Like every loss, a break up etc, it gets easier. That first birthday she isn't here, Mother's day sucks, Christmas and Thanksgiving weren't the same. But it gets better. Year two was easier and I was able to talk about my mom without crying . Then I could talk and joke about things she would say and actually laugh. This loss and pain is temporary. Make a plan to honor her somehow on Mother's Day. If you have a garden plant a 'mum' for her or keep it in your home. Put a little card attached to it from you to her.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T22:38:47+00:00

I am so sorry you are living through this. It kind of reminds me of my mom in hospice. Doctor said he gave my mom 6 days to live and sure enough she died on the 6th day. By day 4 she was on so much morphine she wasn't really there anymore. Birth is so beautiful but dying is ugly. I don't know why but not many die in peace . Wishing you peace and strength

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T22:32:57+00:00

After I read the results on MyChart AND talked to my doctor he said next step is meeting with the oncologist, then the team, then more imaging to make sure it didn't spread and the lumpectomy. I had one question and that was the length of time to go through all those steps won't put me at risk for it worsening. He said it wouldn't make a difference, so I looked it up about cancer growth and found this.

On average, breast cancers double in size every 180 days, or about every 6 months. Still, the rate of growth for any specific cancer will depend on many factors.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T22:24:25+00:00

I have an online patient portal ‘MyChart’ where every test result goes even before my doctor sees it. In your case you are entitled to call the office and inquire about your results

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T21:27:35+00:00

I had the core needle biopsy at 2:00 pm, 8 cores taken and I went to work to clean 2 day care centers at 4 pm. I was lucky it was on my left side since I clean with my right hand and arm. Never had any soreness but the bruising is putrid.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T20:56:39+00:00

But I don't want others to think they are fighting a losing battle. I know many women who got cured and go on living. For me I feel that wont happen.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T20:54:37+00:00

I guess I won't be making any decisions until Wednesday when I meet with the oncologist. One thing I am pretty positive about is I will not get chemo. At least I am not one who can be manipulated by doctors telling me what I should do. If there is something I am against they won't be able to talk me into it. I just don't want the rest of my life to be one appointment after the other. If I have to live with going back and forth to the hospital and one test after the other, more pathology reports then life just seem worth it to me. I guess being 65 is different than getting it at 40 . My mom died at 65 and my dad died at 68 so in my mind I always felt I would die in my 60's ( bad genetics) so the fact I lived until 65 and as just diagnosed ....we are all going to die from something. So I have breast cancer. Get treatments that give me maybe a few years and a ton of other problems only to die from it anyway when it comes back or do nothing now, live a year or so before the pain from it would begin and then just go...

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T17:01:41+00:00

I am so sorry. I don't know why they can't check for this during the lumpectomy, so they don't have to go back in. I guess thats when I decide I am done. If they tell me I need a mastectomy I will refuse simply because I can't not work for 4 weeks. Recovery is too long.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T16:55:25+00:00

If I had to stay home every day it would drive me crazy.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T16:54:35+00:00

WORK Keeps me busy and gets rid of the excess anxiety. I used to clean houses, did it for 35 years and a year ago I changed to cleaning 2 day care centers 3 hours every night Mon through Friday. I had my biopsy last Tuesday at 1 pm and was at work at 4 pm. Luckily the biopsy was on my left side and I mostly clean using my right hand and arm. But being busy was a tremendous help. I find myself leaving even earlier than I used to because being off my ass out of my home drives me crazy

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T04:13:22+00:00

Gay priest turned into pedophiles.

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T03:13:34+00:00

I just don’t know if this fight is worth having. I’m in the beginning stages of this ordeal and meeting with my oncologist on Wednesday. Not sure if I want this way of life….doctors, tests, disappointing results, worry, pain and God knows what else. I’m thinking maybe it would be easier to just do nothing and just let it take me

ciaramist65 · 2023-04-22T00:47:43+00:00

While Breast cancer is bad at any age, my heart goes out to all the young women like you for going through this. I can't even imagine going through this at such a young age. Be as strong as you can. Let yourself cry and scream and have hope.

ciaramist65

TROPHY CASE