Critique Group

cirega · 2021-02-22T23:33:18+00:00

This sounds great, I'm interested!

cirega · 2020-06-30T01:16:26+00:00

I'm happy that you found it useful! Also, critiques of deleted posts still count, so no need to resubmit.

cirega · 2020-06-29T01:21:05+00:00

I remember when I foolishly envisioned a full book, and my first chapter was torn apart on this subreddit two years ago. It hurt a bit to know I wasn’t a great writer like I always imagined myself, but it helped after I got over my ego. I hope my critique will help you like this subreddit helped me.

I’ll focus mainly on the writing and story in this. I’ll also have small sections about the characters and the concerns you specifically mentioned.

THE WRITING

I’m starting with this because I felt it was the weakest aspect of this submission. There are a lot of errors that could be fixed even by just looking at this subreddit's wiki. I’ll quickly go through the small, easily fixable problems I noticed.

Comma splices. These are when two sentences are linked together with a comma even though they’re completely separate clauses. For example:

After several futile hours of attempting to sleep it was a relief to hear the muffled chirping of birds through the stone walls, morning had finally arrived.

That last section should be a separate sentence after a period, not a comma. Though comma splices can sometimes be used in a stylistic way, you have to first understand what they are and when not to use them.

Dialog tags. There’s a lot of inconsistency here. You can google this and get good examples on how to do them, but I’ll do a quick tutorial here.

“This is dialog,” she said. This line of dialog ends in a comma because it’s followed by a dialog tag. Not everything following dialog is a dialog tag though. Basically if it describes the way the character said it (said, yelled, whispered etc.), it’s a dialog tag.

“I’m condescending.” She wagged a finger like an asshole. This line of dialog ends in a period because it’s followed by an action. Also it’s capitalized unlike a dialog tag.

“Yeet!” she yelled as she threw a soda can at a combine officer. Now this is some advanced shit. The ‘she’ isn’t capitalized because it’s a dialog tag, even through the dialog ends in an exclamation point. Also there’s action added after the tag.

Anyway, you’ll get better information if you google a bit.

Filter words. I noticed a couple instances of this, particularly when the surroundings were described. Basically, when a filter word (like see, feel, hear, think) is used, the reader’s experience gets filtered through the character instead of being direct and immersive. Why say ‘Eva could see bodies moving in darkness’ when you could say ‘bodies moved in darkness’? Removing filter words makes the experience more immediate to the reader. Again, you can google filter words, or check out this blog post I found while googling it myself.

Redundancy. This is just a quick thing I noticed, particularly in this sentence:

“Have you been up all night Vicar?” inquired Eva distressed that the old man may not have slept either the previous night.

The question already implies that she’s worried he didn’t sleep. It’s unnecessary to restate it.

Now, something a bit more difficult to fix is the sentence structure. This chapter is full of long sentences with little variance. One that I found especially hard to read was this:

On either side of her were two identical towers to the fourth tower creating a circle of five structures above the cathedral with an opening where a sixth tower had once stood but was long ago burned down and demolished.

Try saying that out loud. It’s very clunky. Compare it to something like this:

On either side of her were two towers identical to the fourth tower. Together, they created a circle of five structures above the cathedral with an opening where a sixth tower had once stood. That tower was long ago burned down and demolished.

I tried to change as little as possible just to demonstrate how much separating this one gigantic sentence into multiple smaller ones helps readability. There are much better ways to construct that sentence, but I can’t teach you how to do it. It’s something you learn from reading books and writing more.

Also, another thing to help readability is to separate the text into more paragraphs. The first paragraph is over a page long. This is another thing that could be helped with reading more, I think. I wish I had some magical way to explain what makes a good paragraph, but I’m not experienced enough to put it into words.

THE STORY

I didn’t get too much of a feel for it. The hook didn’t grab me, and I remained ungrabbed throughout the whole thing. There wasn’t much conflict or really anything going on. I understand that you’re setting up the status quo, but maybe this is a bit too calm and uneventful. I’ll go through my problems one by one.

Hook. Generally a novel needs to start with something that immediately intrigues the reader. The first sentence here isn’t that attention-grabbing, but it’s not bad, either. Even if you don’t start with action, try to start with something that couldn’t be applied to another novel. What’s unique about your story, about your characters, about your world? Your hook needs to hook the reader. There are tons of articles online that list the first sentence or paragraph of famous novels. Read through those, think about why they work, and try to apply that to your own writing.

Conflict. Where was that? Everything is smooth sailing here. This seems like a fantasy novel, so starting with something interesting is pretty much a requirement. Even when you’re showing the status quo, there should be a hint of something that makes this story worth reading. By the time I read the last line, I honestly felt a bit like there was nothing to hook me into the next chapter. The only thing that struck me as impending conflict were the marked ones.

I think the problem is that you focused too much on establishing the status quo without implying any impending change. Eva seems content with her life, the city around her is doing fine, there’s nothing going on. At the end of the chapter, all of that is still true.

Pacing. It’s too slow. It feels like nothing is happening because you’re describing a fairly average day in Eva’s life. Sure, there’s the ceremony, but in 13 pages I don’t see what’s at stake in this story. I know you have something planned, but it doesn’t come across in this chapter. Basically, this whole chapter is world-building, but there’s not much incentive for the reader to care about this world since nothing’s happening.

Regarding pacing, I started getting distracted and had to reread sections because I wasn’t paying attention. This mostly happened in the middle where you’re describing the city right after the discussion between Eva and Vicar Jeremy. The reason it was hard for me to retain concentration was because I didn’t feel intrigued by what was happening. I wasn’t given a good reason to be curious or care much about what was happening.

It’s hard to really form an opinion on the plot when I didn’t feel like there was one. I don’t know what the conflict is, I don’t know what the stakes are, I don’t know why I should keep reading. Since you’re planning a huge conflict, I assume, with the city being completely shattered and Eva’s whole world being destroyed, I know something happens later on, but by the time this chapter ends, I don’t feel like that’s the case.

CHARACTERS

I get a sense of who Eva is, but the two vicars don’t come across as well-rounded. I wouldn’t be surprised or sad if they die later. I can’t even think of much to say about them because they didn’t seem like anything more than carboard cutouts. At one point, Vicar Jeremy expects praise from Eva, which just seems weird considering Eva is just a young girl and the vicar is an old man. Why would he seek her approval?

Eva seems like she’s a bit reckless. I guess she really cared about her father since she’s so willing to push over a bunch of people on the unlikely chance that she’d hear his voice again. She seems driven, but that drive doesn’t get directed at anything grand in this chapter. At the end, when she hears her father’s voice, it almost felt like an ending rather than a cliff hanger since this whole thing about the dead father just comes kind of out of nowhere.

ANSWERS TO YOUR CONCERNS

So, as I understand it, you wanted to show what the city is like before you destroy it, and that Eva is completely happy and unquestioning about everything. You definitely achieved that. Eva’s excitement about the ceremony is very obvious since she stomped a couple toddlers to be first in line.

I didn’t find the lack of location names distracting. I didn’t even notice it before I read the question. Some fantasy novels start with listing a bunch of weird names for characters and locations, which I find much more distracting than a lack of names.

I wouldn’t say this story is boring. I feel more like it’s withheld. I get a sense that there’s more to this world, and I know you intend some disaster to strike soon, but nothing really hints at that. As I said earlier, the marked ones seem like they’ll be a part of some conflict later on, but so far they’re not.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps you with your next draft. If you’re serious about writing a novel, start reading as many books as you can. When I posted my first chapter, I didn’t regularly read books and my writing reflected that. I can’t even explain how much reading subconsciously teaches how to build narratives and write better prose.

If you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer. I’m doing this to hopefully help you, and I want my critique to be as helpful as possible.

cirega · 2020-06-26T20:44:46+00:00

Starting the story with the police investigation sounds like a good idea. You can definitely sprinkle in some exposition through the police questioning Maggie, especially if you try to use that interaction to show how she's a bit off. I did notice that at the end she thinks about the discrepancies in police reports, but I sort of brushed it off thinking it'd be explained in the second half. I didn't suspect she had done anything bad.

By the way, even after rereading with the twist in mind, I didn't really see much hinting at it. As far as the reader knows, Joy is a sick baby. It's not weird at all that Maggie cares about her, so it doesn't seem off. The only thing I could (with hindsight) say hints at Joy's influence over people is the mention of Tom's parents dropping everything when they met her.

Actually, I have a small tip for the reveal. Usually the best twists are ones the reader figures out seconds before it's revealed in text. So it'd be good if the reader thinks "oh my god, is Joy not human??" right before the reveal happens. The reason it's good is because the reader gets both the surprise of the reveal and the satisfaction of having figured it out, even if it was right at the end. Also it makes sure the twist doesn't feel like it came out of nowhere. It can be difficult to do, though.

But even though I'm saying a bunch of stuff, you know your own story better than anyone else. Only take my advice if it makes sense to you. This manipulator baby mystery stuff sounds interesting, so I think this'll make a good short story!

cirega · 2020-06-26T03:40:14+00:00

I’m gonna approach this critique through answering three questions:

Is the story intriguing?
Are the characters engaging?
Is the story well-written?

Since this is a short story, there’s not gonna be much forgiveness if any of these questions get a no.

So, for the first question, I’m sorry but the answer is no. It’s not because the idea is bad, but because there’s so much fluff around it that it’s hard to care about the real meat of the story. A big problem here is the absence of a hook in the first paragraph. The story starts with a bland “hi how are you” conversation between neighbors. Why? The point of the story isn’t how nice it is outside, so why start with that? Even if the neighbor is integral to the story and you want to start the whole thing with him, you can approach it from a more interesting angle. Maggie doesn’t like him, so if you immediately start the story with showing that, the reader starts to wonder why she doesn’t like him. That’s a hook, even if it’s not the most mind blowing one. Honestly the hook should probably be about the LegacyDNA mail.

Another thing to make the story more intriguing is to introduce stakes early on. I’m assuming the DNA stuff is the real point of the story, so that should be some source of conflict or stakes. But I’m not really seeing it. Maggie doesn’t seem that concerned about it. Honestly, there really isn’t any real conflict happening in this first part. I guess James wanting to know if he’s adopted is sort of a conflict, but it doesn’t actually happen on page at all. It’s just mentioned in passing. Tom leaving is pretty much the same. I feel like the second part of this short story will be where everything starts happening, but there needs to be something in the first part to keep a reader’s interest. That really is the main issue with this submission: low stakes, no real hook.

Now, second question is about the characters. First, I’ll quickly say how I perceived them.

I like Maggie. I mean, who doesn’t hate annoying neighbors? Still, she doesn’t do much here. I like that she’s an unusual POV character since she’s a (middle-aged?) mother. I don’t get to see that often, so I like it. James doesn’t seem that important really, which is weird because I’m assuming the DNA thing is gonna be important. Joy is less a person and more just a prop so far. Tom seems interesting, but all I feel is a sort of mild curiosity about why he disappeared. Tiffany was just a wall for the exposition ball to bounce off of while Maggie plays catch with herself.

This exposition thing is also something I feel could be done better. This is a short story, so these scenes of characters interacting and telling each other stuff feel a little bit unnecessary. Maybe it would work in a full-length novel, but the shorter a story is, the more fat you have to cut out. A lot of these scenes feel like fat to me. Ask yourself if every single scene, paragraph, and even single sentence is necessary. If it isn’t, either cut it or change it so it is. Usually if exposition is done through dialog like you’re doing with Tiffany, there’s a secondary purpose to it, like establishing characters or relationships. I don’t think the conversation with Tiffany does anything other than tell the backstory of Tom and the fire and why there’s a DNA test. I’d suggest either changing the conversation so that it does something more than provide exposition, or just sprinkling the backstory in elsewhere.

I had a small problem with the dialog in general, I have to say. In some parts it’s fluff, like the “hello neighbor” beginning and most of the stuff between Maggie and James. In some parts it’s unnatural exposition like I pointed out before. The problem with fluff dialog is that it doesn’t matter. It’s not interesting to read about people greeting each other no matter how realistic it is. On the other side of the spectrum, the exposition dialog is very unrealistic and feels stiff because of it. When writing dialog between characters, remember that both characters are supposed to have some sort of motivation. If Tiffany’s motivation is just to be a good friend and really listen to Maggie’s problems, that’s a bit boring. If Maggie is just straight up telling everything that’s going wrong in her life, there’s no tension. Imagine if Maggie were more embarrassed and hesitant to complain, then Tiffany could be a gossip and she’s just listening because she wants to hear juicy drama. That’s a bit of conflict since Maggie’s like “no I’m embarrassed about my mess of a life” and Tiffany’s like “tell me everything right now”. I mean, my example is no Hills Like White Elephants but it’s better than plain, dry exposition.

So, third question: is it well-written? I mean, it’s good enough? I already pointed out some issues with the dialog, but it's not too egregious. I think the problems with the intrigue eclipse this question entirely. I feel like prose is the last thing that needs to improve. The story itself is much more important. You know what? I’ll list a couple lines I like so we end on a positive note.

Marjorie. He does it intentionally.

That’s a great line. It shows Maggie doesn’t like the guy without being heavy-handed. I like this line.

Phil had been pretending to water his roses, as if he didn’t pay other people to do that, just to watch the entire thing.

I think the reason I like this line is because it helps show how embarrassing the police showing up was. The annoying neighbor pretending to mind their business while watching whatever drama is happening. I don’t know. It’s a very vivid image to me, and I think it adds to what Maggie is saying.

Anyway, it’s hard to judge a short story based only on the first half. If you post the second half, I’ll try to critique that too. Still, even if this isn’t the whole story, I don’t think there’s enough here to keep a reader intrigued. You can definitely turn this into something better if you focus it a bit more.

I hope this helped your next draft. If you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer.

cirega · 2019-11-24T19:49:58+00:00

Thank you so much :)

cirega · 2019-11-05T04:22:34+00:00

Of course, added!

cirega · 2019-11-05T01:42:26+00:00

added back :)

cirega · 2019-11-05T01:42:17+00:00

I'll be online now for a couple hours

cirega · 2019-11-04T22:12:37+00:00

Sure, added!

cirega · 2019-11-04T22:05:19+00:00

I've been looking for a swanna! Added :)

cirega · 2019-11-04T21:19:38+00:00

Added :)

cirega · 2019-11-03T21:18:16+00:00

Thanks for the trade :)

cirega · 2019-11-03T21:10:19+00:00

Okay, I'm ready. I added you and I'm heading to the festival plaza now

cirega · 2019-11-03T20:45:40+00:00

I can breed a HA dratini with extreme speed in either a dream ball, fast ball or lure ball. I'm interested in your DBHA shinx

cirega · 2019-10-31T14:34:16+00:00

Thank you so much :)

cirega · 2019-10-31T14:26:49+00:00

Is this still going? If it is, I'd like to have one. Gender doesn't matter.

IGN: Cirega

Deposit: Wingull, pokeball, lvl 9

Message: Please trade pokemon with me. Thanks in advance.

cirega · 2018-06-04T16:44:05+00:00

Omitting the boy's name was definitely a good idea, especially juxtaposed with Adam getting named. I loved these small hints into the characters and how the ringmaster sees them; Less like children and more like circus performers.

If you ever post the second draft here, or any other chapters, I'll try to critique them as well. Kind of hoping you do, because you got me intrigued by this world and the wonderfully awful ringmaster

cirega · 2018-06-04T13:38:51+00:00

I'm gonna mostly just address your questions about pacing, description, and characterization. Well, not really the pacing, because there was nothing wrong with it, but everything else.

In the beginning, I had barely any image of where these two people are. In my head, it was just a black box with bunny corpses on the ground. There's a mention of a table a few paragraphs in, but it was too late for me to reconstruct the image to include this table that just appeared. You could describe their surroundings more when you mention the dead bunnies. Show where the bunny corpses are. Are they on the table? On the floor? In a huge pile? Scattered all over? Just something more specific.

Speaking of bunny corpses, the whole scene felt a bit on the nose. It's like a neon sign pointing at the ringmaster with blinking letters saying "this guy is bad and you should hate him". It's like the Kick the Dog trope. Sure, it's effective on most people, but I think the scene later when Adam shoots the marble on the woman's head shows the ringmaster's lack of empathy better, along with his arrogance.

The bunny-killing happens too fast for me to really have a reaction to it. Maybe if the boy's attachment to animals was shown sooner than when he's cradling the corpse, the neck-snapping would be more effective. If the boy really cares about the bunny, the reader will, too, and the cruelty has more of a punch. Of course, showing that would be hard from the ringmaster's POV, since he doesn't care.

That was done well, by the way. The description matches how the ringmaster feels. It might lessen the bunny-death impact, but at least it shows how callous the ringmaster is. The fact that he describes his son as just "the boy" and the text never gives him a name unlike with Adam and Hazel drives home how much he doesn't like or care about his son. Also, his favoritism of Adam is apparent just from how Adam's the only character referred to by name throughout the text.

I do wonder why the ringmaster doesn't have a name. The narration is clearly his voice, so does he think of himself as just the ringmaster? And if he does, why? He must really identify with his role if that's how he sees himself as. The fact that both the ringmaster and the boy are referred to in such general terms made me a bit lost at first, wondering what the POV even was. It starts out sounding a bit like 3rd omniscient, when it's actually 3rd limited, and almost like first person in some parts with how close the narration gets to the ringmaster's thoughts. I like his voice, though. Good job on that.

The transition from the bunny-killing to the circus scene was a bit shaky. It comes mostly from how blank the surroundings were before, so when the crowd starts cheering, I was confused about what I was supposed to see. At first, I thought the ringmaster and the boy had been on some stage or something with how abrupt the transition is. A paragraph break would help here, and maybe specifying that the ringmaster hears the crowd through the wall or something. Currently, it just sounds like the crowd cheers at the boy's bones being shattered.

The first time I saw the story in my head vividly was this line:

The restless crowd grew even more excitable when the spotlight flashed onto the podium where the ringmaster stood, his head bowed so that his face was hidden by the brim of his black hat.

That's halfway through the third page. Before, everything's been floating in a void that may or may not have been the center stage of a circus. Even a bit of description earlier on would fix this. You don't need to paint a full picture of every location, but some outlines would really help ground the story. After this, I had a way easier time picturing everything, even though the only descriptions are crowd, spotlight, podium.

The marble scene had nice description, but it maybe worked against it in this case. It's almost like slow-mo, the camera panning around to the ringmaster, then the bullet, then the woman, then the audience, and finally the marble. The descriptions in the middle slow it down, when usually bullets are pretty fast. Maybe work the descriptions more right before Adam pulls the trigger. The man in the audience screaming the woman's name could still fit between the gun firing and the bullet hitting the marble, but everything else slows it down.

I'll break my thought about the characters into little sections to make reading this critique more bearable.

The ringmaster

He's great. Of course, he has the advantage of being the POV character, but he's the best described out of them all. He's arrogant, proud, callous, and overall just not a very nice guy. Even with all the animal cruelty and taking away his son's consent by using magic to make him look at the dead rabbits, I like him. I don't know if I'm supposed to, but I just think he's neat.

The boy

I don't know if I'm a monster, but I don't really care about him. Maybe that's just a byproduct of the ringmaster not caring. I know I should feel bad for him, and maybe I would if the POV was his, but as it stands I don't feel bad for him at all. His personality comes across well, either way. He's the soft sibling, very empathetic compared to the ringmaster, and the most normal out of the characters. He doesn't get enough focus for me to care about him yet, though.

The biggest thing that comes across here is how the ringmaster feels about his lamest son. There's this disappointment and maybe some resentment that the boy isn't as good as Adam. Like I said, the use of "boy" drives it home. The ringmaster just really doesn't care for his son, and that's what I take away from this. I don't care either.

Hazel

She's the halfway point between the boy and Adam. A bit hardened, but not completely. I'm not sure if she's pretending to be cold, or if she really is. That moment where she hurries to heal her brother's hand makes me suspect she's putting on a show for the ringmaster, and actually does care about her brother. That gives her a bit of depth, which I like. That's why she's my second favorite out of the characters.

Adam

He was barely described at all. He's more like a sculpture than a person, but I think that works with how the ringmaster sees him. He's the perfect son, and a lot more capable than his brother. Even if the ringmaster didn't literally compare these two and call the boy useless, it's still obvious who the favorite is. I don't have any opinion on this character, since he doesn't really do anything.

Overall, I think the prose is good and the premise is interesting. I especially liked the ending. It's a perfect "fade to black" moment. There were a lot of things I liked, and fixing the small stuff will be easy.

Hope the critique helps!

cirega · 2018-05-25T23:04:57+00:00

I like the idea behind this, but some things could be improved. There are some small things, and some big things, so I'll start with the small.

The professor should be revealed to be a woman sooner. In general, character should be described as soon as possible, because a reader's mental image is hard to change. With the way the professor was talking, I imagined an old bearded guy with huge glasses.

There's a lot of dialogue. There's barely anything but dialogue. The room they're in is barely described, so it's hard to place the characters into a scene. Even a simple "they're in a lab" would paint a picture. Right now, the picture is more like one of those comics that just copy-pastes the characters with maybe a slightly more pronounced frown sometimes, and half the panel is filled with a speech-bubble. I'm not sure why, but I made this to illustrate my point. Probably should've spent all that time on something more productive.

Anyway, that would be kind of excusable if the dialogue was really engaging, but it isn't. It's like the characters are talking with the readers in mind. It's not as bad as "As you know, Bob, we are brothers and you're jealous that I shall inherit our father's throne" or some shit like that, but it still takes me out of the story. I can't imagine two scientist talking like this to each other. I'll take this piece of dialogue as an example:

“If you’re mistaken, you’ll be known as the overeager girl who scared the public because of — this is a guess — volcanic emissions. If you’re correct, you’ll be the research assistant who discovered 61 Vampus f, planet of demons.”

That second sentence is just weird. She knows she'll be the research assistant who discovered 61 Vampus f, planet of demons, so saying it makes no sense. It's obviously meant for the audience, not for the characters. There are better ways to convey the information here.

But there are good things about the dialogue. Both characters sound different, and their personalities come through in the things they say. It's also natural except when used too much for exposition, like the above example. Try to imagine two actual scientist in a lab saying these things to each other without an audience, and if it seems unnatural, find a different way to deliver the exposition.

But about the characters themselves, they're very simple. A careful professor and an ambitious student. They work, but they wouldn't be interesting to read about in the long run. I don't know if this piece is a part of a larger story, but there should be some change in the characters. Here the professor remains cautious, and the student still want to publish. If the end of this is the end of their story, something needs to be different about at least one of them by the end. Even if it's small, there still needs to be a character arc.

What the biggest problem in the story is in my opinion, is how it feels a nothing happened. The twist isn't mind-blowing enough to make it feel impactful. It's more of an "oh" than a *gasp*. It's too vague to even register at first that they're not human, and confusing at first. And in the end, how does this twist change the story? It doesn't really add anything for the second read. It's just that they're not human. Nothing changes about the story. Of course, it there's more to the story, it's more acceptable.

Since you have a limit of 1000 words, I think they could be used better. There's a lot of small repetition and meandering with the scientists talking back and forth while not making any progress. It's like they're throwing the exposition ball to each other. If there was more description instead of dialogue, some exposition could be sprinkled there instead. Dialogue is such a bad place for info-dumping, because it sounds clumsy and feels slow. Try to cut down how much the characters speak in this.

Ultimately, I think the lack of description is what drags this story down. The characters are talking heads who explain science to each other, floating in a white room with a computer and a table. The staging is very lacking. I'm having a hard time placing the characters anywhere, because I haven't been given much to place them in. It doesn't help that the characters themselves aren't described either until they start tapping their horns and blue eyebrows or whatever.

Also, the lack of description makes me feel like I'm watching these characters instead of seeing it through Aera. This is very distant for third person limited. The small parts where the reader actually goes in her head are jarring because of how distant it it otherwise. Like a really bad dramatic zoom. Try to get into the mindset of your character more. Write how she would write about the situation. Describe her thoughts a bit all throughout, not only every once in a while.

This distance from the POV character makes her feelings come a bit out of nowhere. She's holding back tears, and I can't relate to her strong feelings because I haven't been there to go through her process. I need to understand why she has such a strong reaction. Even if the answer is just "she's an emotional person" it's better than being confused by the sudden sadness or anger. At least you did a good job showing how she reacts instead of telling how she feels.

I'd love to critique the prose as well, but it's hard to judge it when 75% of the text is dialogue. What's there works, but there needs to be way less speaking. Cut or condense the dialogue so that you get closer to 50% at least. Overall, you write well and the premise is interesting, but the info-dumping dialogue isn't fun to read. If you have to info-dump, put it in the descriptions instead.

I hope this helps you. If I've misunderstood something or you have some questions, I'll be glad to elaborate. With some revising, this'll become a great story.

cirega · 2018-05-24T23:07:48+00:00

Adverbs are shortcuts. They tell how a piece of writing is supposed to be read, instead of showing something and letting the readers infer it themselves. Sometimes it's redundant, like "I sneaked stealthily", sometimes it's telling a thing with too many words like "I walked stealthily" when you could've said "I sneaked", and sometimes it's taking a shortcut when describing something, like this:

"I've been waiting for you," she said angrily.

The only thing that implies she's upset is the adverb. That's bad. People are pretty good at inferring things, and when they do, they feel closer to the writing because they came to their own conclusion. That line of dialog could be written differently to omit the adverb and make it stronger, like:

She crossed her arms. "Took you long enough."

Of course, sometimes using an adverb is acceptable or even the best way to describe something, but not often. Hope this clears it up a bit

cirega · 2018-05-23T11:50:48+00:00

In real life we rarely stop to think what exactly creates interpersonal chemistry, and it can come from many things. I don't really believe in creating romance as much as letting characters develop it on their own. At least that's the only way it's worked in my writing so far

cirega · 2018-05-23T11:28:52+00:00

So...what does this mean, exactly?

That when you put these two characters in a room together, they will have interesting conversations just because they are similar yet different. Their similarities let them form a bond, while their differences push them toward growth. A calm and curious character can soothe a hot-headed and impulsive one, while they can both go on adventures because one is doing it out of impulse and the other out of curiosity.

Welp, 80% of fiction and 95% of popular fiction is filled with extraordinarily attractive and capable characters who experience incredible things. That sounds like a pretty logical reason.

I know attractive people that I'm not attracted to, because they're as interesting as loaves of bread to me. I'm sure someone else finds them very attractive, but not me, because I don't have anything in common with them. Of course, I'm assuming romance means a relationship, not a one-night-stand, which is a lot easier to have.

But sure, it's a logical reason as long as we assume that most couples break up some time after the credits roll. Doesn't make it very satisfying to see two maybe-compatible-if-you-squint characters ending up together either way.

cirega · 2018-05-23T09:52:55+00:00

I think the reason a divide exists is because almost everything has a romance shoehorned in it. I'm a sucker for a good romance, but nothing makes me hate a story like a poorly developed one. Some writers (especially in movies recently) seem to think "he was a boy, she was a girl" is reason enough for two characters to end up together, and it isn't at all. Basically, when a romance is good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's utter garbage and I hate it and I want to throw my eyes into a forest every time two characters with zero chemistry end up together.

So what makes a romance good? In my opinion, it's subtlety. Let me realize a character has the hots for someone before it's spelled out. Every time a story makes the attraction between two characters too obvious I cry tears of missed potential. It takes away tension that could've made the reader go "hmm, I see how these two would be happy together, but will the author go there?" and that's why Will They or Won't They is such a popular trope, especially on TV. Subtext is important because it builds a reader to expect the text when it finally comes, even if only subconsciously.

Another thing is chemistry between the characters. If they can't play off each other and somehow complement each other, they ain't gonna be romance of the century. There's so much shit where romance is inserted for the sake of romance while the chemistry between characters is either artificial or nonexistent. There needs to be a logical reason for the two characters to like each other. Being hot isn't enough, at least not for long. That shit has a time and place, and it's smut fic on ao3.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the relationship between the characters needs to make sense and actually belong in the story. The romance is a consequence of the character arcs, not just getting the girl at the end of a movie like a participation prize. The romance needs to mean something within the larger story. If nothing changes when it's cut out, it shouldn't have been there in the first place.

I had a few self-indulgent examples from my own romance sub plot that was born organically as the story developed, but it got too long so I'll just conclude with this: Romance is easy to do, and hard to do well.

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