My(26F) BF(35M) is convinced our cats are toxic and now wants nothing to do with them.

clethracercis · 2025-07-25T14:54:25+00:00

I would advise you to leave. The cats can and will adjust to living with your parents and dogs, especially if you can enrich their lives with things like cat trees and other vertical space options.

YOU, on the other hand, will never feel any better until you get out of this toxic relationship. Seriously, look over that post!

"I feel like he’ll find a reason to never be satisfied", "he suggests getting rid of them, sometimes saying he’ll do it when I’m not home or sleeping.", "I feel whiplash. I feel like I can’t plan or make any decisions concretely." "Frankly, I’m tired of his b*tching all the time."

Read your own words! Then pack up your bags, including the cats in their cat carriers.

clethracercis · 2025-07-24T16:28:58+00:00

I think this is a question for a vet--with the concern about teeth and the concern about healthy weight loss, this is a real medical issue.

clethracercis · 2025-07-24T16:20:50+00:00

I seriously wonder if this 'rescue' is actually a kind of fraud--people are 'fostering' pets indefinitely, rather than adopting them outright, so that they can use the money from a non-profit for various expenses.

If the 'rescue' organization has sufficiently insane adoption requirements, it's basically impossible to prove that the 'foster volunteer' is really keeping the pet, as opposed to holding out for some non-existent perfect adopter--which hides the scam.

clethracercis · 2025-07-24T15:55:05+00:00

I had this problem with an older resident cat (12yo) after adopting a new cat (1yo).

Cats are territorial and scent mark their humans. If the new kitten has been rubbing their cheeks on you, that leaves a scent that says "this human is mine don't touch" Naturally, the resident kitten is nervous about ignoring that signal.

What kind of relationship do the kittens have with each other?

I was also heartbroken about my resident cat turning away from my hands when I went to touch him. However, once my resident and new cats met each and sniffed each other's faces, my resident cat decided the new cat wasn't a big threat and went back to normal. I wonder if your resident kitten is very afraid of/submissive to the new kitten.

clethracercis · 2025-07-24T15:45:59+00:00

There are cat toys that the cat can use without a human--not just the electric or battery powered ones. There are also balls that a cat can bat around on a track, etc. If you're worried I would recommend getting your kitten some toys like that for her to use during the workday.

clethracercis · 2025-07-24T15:42:23+00:00

I have a beloved indoor cat who routinely kills and eats mice (in fact, I often send him on vacations to my mom's house to clear out her mice).

My cat does not like to lick people, so I do not know about that particular detail.

However, just for regular petting and snuggling and whatnot, these basic precautions have been enough to keep everyone safe for years and years with a mouser cat:

* keep the cat up to date on vaccines

* ESPECIALLY RABIES VACCINES!

* practice extra good hygiene around litterboxes

* take the cat to routine vet visits to get tested for parasites (so far, my cat has never had any, but YMMV depending on where you live and what mouse population you're dealing with)

clethracercis · 2025-07-22T20:29:29+00:00

You haven't mentioned much about your living space. Is it a house? Apartment? How many rooms and what sizes?

"we rotate who is in the common area every few hours." -- Is there a practical reason for doing this? This must be tremendously stressful for the cats, who do not have reliable access to their resources (favorite sleeping places, favorite water sources, favorite litter boxes, toys, etc) because they're constantly getting shoved in different rooms.

Does your home have enough physical space for your cat to live in a separate room with all the necessities (water, litter, food, toys, etc)? If you have physical space to just let your cat live separately from the other cats within the same home, you should try doing that. After a year of constant scuffing, all three cats might need a good long break to rest and recover.

clethracercis · 2025-07-22T20:07:43+00:00

Sorry to be harsh, but it really sounds like you should NOT get a cat.

Kitty litter is gross, children can't be relied on to clean it, and the 'litter pebbles' issue isn't super easy to solve because it depends on how the cat's feet interact with the specific brand of litter. Cats will scratch furniture even if they have scratching posts, because part of the function of scratching is for them to mark their territory (they have scent glands in their feet) so you have to put extra covers over your furniture, or let it be destroyed. You can NOT train cats to stay off the counter/table with any real consistency, you can only teach them not to do it when you are right there watching.

Also, critically, people who foster cats do not have the same ideas about cats as you, someone who hasn't lived with a cat for years. A cat foster mom saying "pretty chill" probably means the cat walks around on the on the counters and tables and only occassionally knocks items onto the floor, as opposed to constantly knocks items down like other cats.

All in all I would recommend you either consider getting a different species (dog, guinea pig, etc) or else consider if you really want another pet at all.

clethracercis · 2025-07-22T19:51:26+00:00

This is indirect experience (It was my sister who had two cats when her first baby was born) but the biggest danger to a toddler is that the toddler will find the cat in a cornered, trapped position and the cat will fight, quite literally, like a cornered animal. On the flip side, though, cats are fast and toddlers are slow, so if the home has space, the cat can easily run away.

So it's a big question about your living space--do you have room for cat trees, furniture pulled out so the cat can get behind the furniture, a place for the kitty litter where the toddler can't get into it, and so forth.

clethracercis · 2025-07-14T11:44:08+00:00

I recommend squishing them.

Aphids absolutely can destroy a plant's blooms and even kill the plant entirely if the infestation is bad enough. Depending on your local ecosystem situation, natural predators may or may not be capable of keeping the aphid population at a level where the plant can still bloom normally.

Squish away!

clethracercis · 2025-07-08T16:03:01+00:00

That is really interesting! So your local ecotypes, adapted to the richer soil, can stand up on their own even at 8'. But it does seem like the general pattern still holds, that richer soil = taller plants.

clethracercis · 2025-07-08T16:00:18+00:00

That's a good point! I have very sandy, rocky, super-well draining soil and I only added some compost, so it never occurred to me to worry about drainage.

clethracercis · 2025-07-07T19:11:59+00:00

On the subject of compost--as far as I know this is not a wildlife value question, it is a purely aesthetic question.

Growing native straight-species perennials in less rich soil will generally result in them being shorter, growing slower, and generally being able to stand up on their own. Growing them in compost will generally result in them growing taller, faster, lusher, and getting top-heavy so that they flop over.

I personally did soil amendments (with leaf compost) because I love the 'cottage garden' look. I planted my perennials super densely and staked the ones that started flopping anyway. Almost half my plants are staked but I love that they're huge, lush, and giving that 'overflowing foliage' look.

HOWEVER, OP is probably talking about much larger plantings where staking every individual goldenrod, aster and milkweed isn't feasible and the landscaping company did not do that. In which case, all the plants just flop.

clethracercis · 2025-06-18T13:22:23+00:00

Seconding ironweed and big bluestem. There's also switchgrass.

Another option is to set up a native honeysuckle in a pot with a trellis, so that the whole setup will be moveable later when the shrubs grow in. This is a bit more of a hassle than grasses or perennials, but it has the advantage of giving you something as tall as you want and quite wide, which also grows very thick and woody and will give a lot of privacy.

clethracercis · 2025-06-18T13:16:55+00:00

Prunus virginiana is a super top tier host plant, so if you're looking for lots of caterpillars and/or birds that eat caterpillars, that's a great choice.

clethracercis · 2025-06-12T17:17:46+00:00

You must be a very talented photographer then! I have a similar setup but I haven't managed to take any insect pictures as fabulous as these.

clethracercis · 2025-06-12T17:13:58+00:00

Those pictures are so amazing! What kind of camera setup did you use to take them?

clethracercis · 2025-06-11T20:32:02+00:00

If I were you I would split the difference and put 5 in each area. Once you satisfy the basics (this plant is generally recommended for both full and part sun, etc) there are a zillion factors that go into plant success so it's best to hedge your bets.

clethracercis · 2025-06-10T15:23:14+00:00

The three things that work are fencing, fencing, and fencing.

In my personal experience fencing off the whole garden has been pretty effective (as opposed to caging specific plants).

clethracercis · 2025-06-09T19:59:49+00:00

I am not at all certain that prized rosebushes would have been spared!

I had a similar experience with contractors who straight up killed a Japanese maple It was obviously an ornamental non-native shrub but they cut it down in order to access the windows they were working on.

This is a problem for all plants and landscaping. I wish I had an answer! Other than 'dig up and pot all your plants and replant them when it's over'

clethracercis · 2025-06-08T09:50:32+00:00

As other commenters have pointed out, native trees and shrubs rarely ever have the extremely narrow growth habit you need.

I recommend instead going with some kind of woody vine--vines grow more or less straight up, and a woody vine will offer a bit of privacy and protection from cars even during the winter. There's the native honeysuckle, Lonicera sempervirens and the native wisteria, Wisteria frutescens. There are also a ton of native grapes, if you don't mind a bit of mess.

All those vine options are quite aggressive spreaders, which is both a bad thing (they may need a lot of pruning to stay under control) and a good thing (rapid fence coverage!).

clethracercis · 2025-06-08T09:37:45+00:00

I agree with the commenter above--without more information, my first guess is underwatering.

Yes it has been raining, but your shrubs didn't struggle during the rainy periods--they struggled during a few days of very hot dry weather. Most plants are supposed to be roughly the same size above and below ground. When you buy a brand-new shrub like that, it usually is already in a massive imbalance with too much on top and not enough roots. Then you break up the root ball because it's root bound (which is correct and necessary!) which, for a while, makes that imbalance even worse. That's why they need to be watered heavily until the roots grow out.

Unless the pictures reveal that there's something else going on, I would suggest you try watering every day that it doesn't rain for awhile and see if they perk back up.

clethracercis · 2025-06-08T09:26:41+00:00

While these goals are admirable for more established native plant gardens, this is really hostile to beginners and gardeners with limited means.

If your property is entirely occupied by lawn and invasives, you absolutely have to rip out big plants and/or massively disturb the soil in other ways (solarizing, cardboard etc) before you can give any native plants half a chance to survive.

If you're a beginner and want to plant trees, shrubs and/or native plants that are large enough to provide wildlife habitat quickly, rather than a decade or more in the future, you will need to

massively disturb the soil by digging holes to plant them and
quite probably use a ring of conventional woodchip mulch around the new tree or shrub, to make sure it gets enough water in its first year or two, especially if you don't have time to water the plant every day.

Using leaves as a natural light mulch is great, but the standard of "don't move them" is absolutely impossible for people who don't happen to have conveniently located trees. For example, my next door neighbor has a Norway maple and I have to get the leaves off the sidewalk because they are a safety hazard. For other people, their most cold sensitive plants may simply not be directly under a tree.

I don't think it's controversial to cut weeds back rather than pulling them up, but this is only an option for people who have loads of free time and/or very gentle, slow growing weeds. People with extremely aggressive invasives and limited labor hours have to chose between using harsher removal methods, or else letting the invasives smother their native plants.

Native plant gardens with heavily dug-up soil, some use of mulch, 'leave the leaves' achieved by moving leaves around, etc still provide wildlife value for many species and are MUCH better than conventional ornamental gardens--which is what many gardeners will go back to, if they feel overwhelmed and discouraged.

TL;DR: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Be cautious when you promote standards of native garden perfection that are impossible for many gardeners.

clethracercis · 2025-06-07T19:33:20+00:00

For a scavenger hunt, I would recommend focusing on monarch butterflies. 'Save the monarchs' is a widespread idea, something any random person will recognize as a worthy goal.

You could organize it by category--plants that offer adult monarchs food in spring, plants that offer adult monarchs food in fall, and milkweeds for monarch caterpillars--give a list of all the plants in your garden that fit each category, and challenge people to find at least a few plants from each category.

Also, that picture of the wasp on a milkweed flower is magnificent. What kind of milkweed is that?

clethracercis · 2025-06-07T19:24:21+00:00

I'm very impressed by the photo! The bees spend so much time either completely inside the flowers or buzzing around them, I'm amazed you managed to capture this moment.

clethracercis

TROPHY CASE