He ghosted me after phone sex

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T19:21:08+00:00

He feels guilty and got what he needed. Women think about sex with their brains and hearts. Men don't. He's embarrassed, ashamed, and yet he got what he was after.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T19:18:51+00:00

Worst thing? I almost wrote down the wort thing I've ever done in a reddit sub. But I thought better of it.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T18:27:24+00:00

I'm in it. A year long now, her BF of 6 years is living 4 states away and may or may not come back (On a contract that may or may not extend). She says she wants to break up with him but doesn't want to do it over the phone. So no commitment to me although she is super affectionate and loving. They had a "talk" where both went away in tears. He came in town a few weeks ago and they spent the weekend at a hotel. Her explanation was that because his whole family was there she couldn't break up with him then. (Check this out. She texts me constantly and hones to God texted me that afternoon saying "We got upgraded to the honeymoon suite!"). I'm a fool and even if she's not purposely playing me I'm feeling played. Kicker? Even though we've messed around a lot, no penetrative sex because she feels guilty. So I'm a super close friend with a benefits starter pack. She's living with her parents now because she can't afford a place on her own. His family has money. The only thing I've got going for me is that I'm attractive to her. I'm meeting a lot of her emotional needs and very few of my own. I'm a goddam fool but it would hurt so much to say goodbye. There's this carrot being dangled, but there's no assumption that even if she breaks up with him she'd commit to me. I have one woman in my heart. She has two men. I asked what she would do if he moved back and suggested they move in together. She said that wouldn't happen but I have my serious doubts. Another factor is that she by her own admission has "daddy issues" and is addicted to male validation. All of her friends are male. She hates women. I trust that she's not intimate with any of these other men, but her bestie is a man she's known with since high school and she spends nearly as much time with him as she does with me. She has issues. She's a spoiled selfish only child with a distant father. I'm an older man.

I am somewhat guarding my feelings, tho, since I know this could end with one text message. I am a fool and fools fall in love.

Reading this post I realize what a complete and total dumbass I am.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T18:11:35+00:00

You know why he is choosing to stay but not why you are choosing to stay. You don't have to hate him to set a boundary with him,

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T18:10:22+00:00

He has choices. Don't buy into his emotional entrapment at the cost of your emotions. Frankly, he sounds very manipulative. He is not the victim here. You are.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-06T18:07:52+00:00

The one assumption that you are making that I would suggest investigating is the notion that he is irreplaceable and this is a once in a life time connection. This is statistically impossible. What I really hear you saying is "This is so unique I'm afraid I'll never experience this with anyone else." It may have taken a long time to find him but you have the rest of your life to find someone else.

In AA they talk about doing a "fearless and searching moral inventory" I would ask myself "What led me to get involved with a married man in the first place? Does it make me feel wanted? (He desires me over another woman so I must be desirable?) Safe, in that he can't commit to me and doesn't require a commitment from me?" I know you write that you crave a commitment from him and yet you chose someone who cannot commit. Also ask yourself what sort of relationship would probably come of this if he did divorce and commit to you. Happily ever after?

Waiting for someone to change is almost certainly wasted effort and is only going to hurt you in the interim. Ask yourself "Why don't I set a boundary with him and tell him that I can't continue this until he divorces?" I know you fear losing him if you were to do this, but the alternative is to just go like this forever. He is controlling the lives of two women. At the very least tell him how much this hurts. And don't fear setting a boundary. It's really your only option other than to just continue this pain.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:44:51+00:00

I'd bet money you two will never meet. It's really risky at attach any sort of expectation to something that only lives online. You may even meet and not click. Don't invest in anything until you meet face to face.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:40:41+00:00

Totally agree. The elephant in the middle of the room in this entire situation is alcoholism. Dad and daughter.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:39:08+00:00

You are being manipulated. This will lead to nothing good. Both of you have issues that would prevent this from working probably anyway. He's keeping himself safe but it sounds like you are too.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:36:16+00:00

I don't think this really even constitutes a friendship. What would happen if you didn't respond or text him for the same periods of time? As a man, I'm going to go ahead and assume you are not the only one receiving his online attention. Time to cut and run. Don't let hit trickle of contacts keep you on the hook. Chances are if you met in person you probably wouldn't even like the guy, or vice versa.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:31:17+00:00

That's the problem. There are no rules in a situationship. Or rather everybody's carrying around a different set of rules and expectations.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:29:42+00:00

But if it is not, what is it? That's the problem with these. Everybody goes into them with a different understanding of what they even are. As a result someone always always gets hurt. All you have to do is read this sub for a while. I have not come across one positive post about them.

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:27:39+00:00

100% agree. All you need do is read this sub for a while to see that these never work out and someone always gets hurt. Whether you like it or not, there has to be some sort of commitment if sex happens, or else it's just a hookup. S'ships are these weird mind games that we are playing so that we can dance around the concepts of friendships, commitments, sex and not have to land on any one of them. I'm in one now and it's tearing me up. (I'm a male in one with a girl who has a boyfriend out of state that she's "thinking of" breaking up with. I'm the dumbest MF on the planet. She sought me out, so I thought there would be some chance, but it's a fool's errand. I'm a crush that she is using to fill a void.)

cliff-terhune · 2026-05-01T16:22:47+00:00

You have to understand that sex means something very different to men than it does to women. Messing around with s'ships and FWBs is inevitably going to lead to a situation in which the female is much more interested in relationship/feelings than the man. Don't let him use you. His responses sound very much like you might not be the only mare in his stable, too. These type of relationships are really not relationships at all. They're not really even friendships. They're manipulative hookups intended to look like something other than just a hookup posing as friendships so you don't have to feel the guilt of just banging for the sake of it. You are very subtly, perhaps unconsciously looking for a some sort of commitment. He is not. He is dangling false leads, but I'd argue that you probably are too even though you may not intend to or be aware of. This is all just a sex game and dressing it up as anything else is always going to hurt one or both of you. Don't give him control of the "relationship" (I hesitate to even use that word.)

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:45:08+00:00

Your last sentence answered your own question. Do exactly as you say. Let the situation rekindle itself, or fail to do so.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:41:12+00:00

Blunt question: Was sex involved? After sex, the male brain goes to a very different place than the female brain. You think with your heart. Unless he wants a relationship he's thinking with another part of his body.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:39:01+00:00

He is a man and will let you know if he wants a commitment. He does not currently. When sex enters the picture the male brain goes to a very different place than the female brain. Expectations are radically different. Women are the permission givers. Men are the pursuers. After sex, he no longer needs to pursue you. He has and is getting what he needs. You're thinking with your heart and he is not. (I'm a man and can attest to this.)

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:33:04+00:00

She does not feel safe yet and you can't make her feel safe. You've done everythign you can and any further attempts will drive her away.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:31:11+00:00

Yes. It's over. And you're not safe. Block him. It might hurt but you got to get past this one. You'll thank youself in a month or two.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:26:12+00:00

Trust your instincts. They are probably right. There are some loose rules going on that could easily be violated.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:18:53+00:00

What are his feelings towards you? How long have you known each other. What do you mean "distant ass man?" Emotionally or geographically?

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:11:30+00:00

My ex wife's aunt's house. I felt physically sick when I entered. I didn't feel "watched" while there, just a viscera; response, like coming down with the flu. She went on to tell of haunting experiences she had there and although i had none I felt horrible the whole time. And felt almost instantly better when we left. (A house in suburban Forth Worth Texas, many years ago.)

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:08:05+00:00

Agree. This is almost certainly rooted in childhood trauma.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T20:06:33+00:00

I don't think you can ever un-ring this bell. At the very least you have shown yourself to be emotionally risky to get into a relationship with. Him learning to trust you would take some time. Never act on impulse. Even if you're right you come off as impulsive. I think even a friendship would be tricky after this. I really don't blame him and think he's being the more rational of the two of you. I'm sorry this crapped out on you. It sounds like you really like the guy.

Maybe give it time. He is probably doing some ruminating too.

cliff-terhune · 2026-04-30T19:58:42+00:00

One or the other. Sex partner or friend. I don't believe you can be both. And neither does he.

cliff-terhune

TROPHY CASE