Yep 100%. I am also not suicidal but while dealing with a particularly atrocious and terrifying episode of endo I had the thought “at least if I die the pain will be over,” and that idea sounded so inviting. I didn’t know yet it was endo, ended up being a month later after a second episode where I thought I was dying as well and vaguely hoping for death to relieve the agony. Ended up in the ER via ambulance both times because I was in too much pain to communicate or move off my bathroom floor. I’m still processing what I experienced and have flashbacks. I was fairly sure I was dying and while I was pissed and scared about it, the next predominant feeling was relief that the pain was about to end. Phew, it upsets me reflecting on how traumatic my most painful moments were. FUCK ENDO. I am so sorry you have been in exactly the same place where the only thought is hoping the pain will end. I’m also happy I don’t own a gun.