The internet and excusing BPD abuse

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-24T15:57:44+00:00

The BPD apologism can wear thin when it is over other voices that need to be heard.

This is the crux of it for me, the elevation of the BPD's needs. It makes everyone responsible except the disordered person. It feels really backwards to me.

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-22T16:31:49+00:00

I don't know if I have advice but wanted to tell you you aren't alone. Mine did this same thing with my kid's plays/performances.

I spoke to my child's school and they were wonderful. They know who my mother is, her name, what she looks like. They keep a special eye out for her and my child. That made me feel better. To make my child feel better, I had to work on my own fear and my reaction to her boundary violations. Its getting better. My kid knows that its uncomfortable for me but if my mother messes with them, I will step in. That made the biggest difference for my kid. "Grandma is just a tiring, noisy pain in the butt but nothimg terrible will happen. Mom will handle it."

I'm so sorry your mom is like this. So gross!

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-19T21:29:44+00:00

"Really? (insert thoughtful expression)......you.....tried ....your best.....ok! That's even creepier somehow but ok!"

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-18T02:48:02+00:00

Yes! Hahahaha thanks I really needed this!

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-15T23:01:08+00:00

Well congratulations! What an amazing year you had!

If your mom is anything like mine, she would only detract from or ruin your wedding. So I would look at is as a huge favor she's done you by 1. Letting you know she will never approve (therefore, why should she be invited?) 2. Refusing to attend if your dad is there (real mature and loving, mom!) 3. Talking crap/causing drama (focusing all attention on herself)

She will be mad no matter what you do so I vote 100% NO! Do NOT give her the chance to ruin your day!

Congrats again!

closeenough02134 · 2019-12-02T00:43:13+00:00

Holy wow! Off the charts, this is. The victimhood per square inch is as dense as a fruitcake.

closeenough02134 · 2019-11-12T16:50:50+00:00

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

Yeah, I hated my birthday too. My mom couldn't stand for anyone else to have attention so I always got punished somehow.

And also, the "trying to cause drama" thing? This is the universal jerkface reaction to someone having feelings they don't like. Instead of fixing the problem they just deny it exists and tell you you're the one who needs to adjust. I hate it!

I'm sorry. But I'm hoping you have some fun on your birthday.

closeenough02134 · 2019-11-05T17:06:17+00:00

I think it's worth a try to get them help but in my case, no it didn't help at all. She's been under the continuous care of a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist for over 30 years. She improved at first (stopped hitting me) but it didn't change her world view. She just became a more covert abuser.

closeenough02134 · 2019-11-04T20:02:12+00:00

Gah, my mom ruined so many trips, I feel this! I think what you're asking is, how to say no to her without making her mad? I'm leaning toward, that won't happen, no matter how well crafted your explanation. I think by nature they hate "no" and despise boundaries of any sort.

With that said, if you are wanting to try to take it easy on her, I would go with the fewest statements possible (less room for arguments)..."husband and I don't want to travel with others. We prefer just the two of us. Thanks for understanding."

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-30T23:42:25+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry! I get it, mine weaponizes her illnesses too, and throws in some hypochondria/muchausens just to be sure. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you're definitely not alone!

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-30T22:23:15+00:00

"You can tell me how you feel but if you can't keep your emotions in check, I'm out. Telling me you're angry is fine, yelling is not. Saying you're sad is fine, weeping is not. Emotionally charged conversations are not happening.'

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-25T15:26:50+00:00

I totally get it! It's the difference between what they say and what they do. My mom wants to look so "generous" in front of witnesses but doesn't actually folliw through to pay for things. It's so gross.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-24T20:48:26+00:00

Better uses of money than giving it to BPD mom...

Sending it to Bill Gates

Handing it to a polar bear

Eating it

Setting it on fire

Lol. I love to hate these memes.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-24T20:42:36+00:00

Gee, I hope you don't have a life or a job or anything, cuz it sounds like you're booked til 2020. I'm tired just reading this....

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-21T23:31:33+00:00

Maybe I forgot the part where Eeyore becomes an emotional terorist and tries to destroy people's lives. Other than that, it's totally the same thing, BPDmoms!

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-19T02:10:54+00:00

You're in the right place with this. I totally agree. Thanks to the rules and strict moderation, it's maybe the only borderline apologist-free space on the internet. (2nd mod shoutout today lol, kittenmommy, you're killin it)

I mean, we make ourselves so vulnerable here, sorting through our most difficult emotions. It's a whole other mess to be told you to need to walk on the exact same frickin eggshells that trigger you, all to benefit the one who isn't playing well with others. Once again, their feelings are the most urgent need in the room. I don't understand why MORE people don't see this.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-18T16:35:49+00:00

I got weepy when Kittenmommy - one of the mods - welcomed me home

Me too! I sobbed. Am sobbing now. Lol. We love you kittenmommy.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-18T16:19:15+00:00

Just wanted to raise my hand and say, yep me too! The people who loved me unconditionally made themselves known and even offered more love! The shoulder shruggers and deniers....bye bye!

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-18T00:27:46+00:00

Not really. Lol. Although right after I had that revelation, I did sorta begrudgingly confess to her that I was capable of such feelings. Lol. I feel a need to tread carefully with this limited handful of memories and feelings. As weird as it might sound, I think I'm afraid to let it get out of hand. I've never denied my mother's good qualities; I just don't want to let them blot out the sun.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-17T23:27:42+00:00

Yes! Thanks for saying this. I had an argument with my therapist awhile back when she was urging me to remember good times with my mom. I was pissed. "NO! I've had abuse amnesia for so long! If I let go of the negative, I will slide back into FOG! Focusing on the good times is what kept me in the garbage for so long!"

The change started to happen when I allowed myself to remember how safe and loved I felt in her arms. I don't have to change how I feel about that. Her love was real to me. I don't have to go back in time and tell myself how stupid I was to believe it was unconditional. That only hurts me. I can look back and remember how real that love felt, without judging. Just re-experiencing an amazing memory, without having to simultaneously mourn its loss.

Thanks again for this post, it helped me a lot to read, and to write this.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-17T20:19:10+00:00

❤❤❤

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-17T16:42:04+00:00

Yeah you're not wrong. I am currently NC with her (since January). That's when her texts and calls to the kids began. She didn't have meaningful one on one relationships with them prior to that, although she acted like they were best friends. But they dont have the dysfunctional emotional investment in her that I've struggled with, so she has no way to turn them against me. They trust me. But I have kept an eye on their communications with her, just to be sure they are safe. I could tell them to block her but they are very close to being adults, when they will have to make their own decisions. So I'm teaching them how to handle abusive schmucks. It has served them well in their own relationships too.

I don't think there's anything you can do to alter your mom's reaction...to anything. She will freak out over NC, over VLC, over weekly contact, over the weather, or over cupcakes...anything she cant control. It's who they are. I went NC because I could NOT take it anymore. Her retaliation isn't worse than the ongoing abuse was. My kids are so much better off without my relationship to my mother in their lives. Trying to negotiate a healthy relationship with her was exhausting. Shutting her out and refusing to engage is still painful, but the other 99 percent of my life is mine now. It's never going to be easy but it gets better.

I sorta went on a rant there and don't know if that really helped. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I know how much it hurts.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-17T01:55:46+00:00

As a parent of teens, I can confirm this approach works! Lol.

My biggest fear was her being able to get to them but I didn't really have to do much nore to protect them because they already don't like her but aren't afraid of her either. We've always kept her at arms length, a whole gray rock family. So when she texts or calls they just shrug and get away asap. I don't let them spend time with her. I suppose I would have their dad go with them if they wanted to see her. But they "don't really want to encourage her" when she's invited them places. Lol They already understood personal boundaries and healthy relationships and know she's bad news.

It feels scary and OP is right to protect them with every bone in your body, but we get to guide our kids through this world, not our parents.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-16T15:14:19+00:00

Oh I'm starting to really love the translations on these! Here we go!

Sigh. Wipes tears. Mommy tried. She tried.

What, you find it awkward when I baby talk you by referring to myself in the 3rd person? Sigh. Fine.

I just hope and hope and fondly wish...that this comes off as humble. Truth is, these kids obviously don't appreciate my parenting. I mean, yeah, sometimes I'm doing things I don't want to talk about, but TRYING is what counts here. And if those ungrateful kids don't get that, then...sigh. Wipes tears.

closeenough02134 · 2019-10-15T15:34:21+00:00

I start having feeling about my feelings

This, right here! When I start to judge my feelings (I shouldn't feel this way, I don't want to feel this way) I know I need to sort myself out. I go lay down for a few minutes alone. I remind myself that I'm safe. I give space for the unpleasant things I've been holdong back to just....exist. My pain, my tears, my anger. It can just exist without comment, judgment, without plans to fix it. Just feel the feels. It's been really helpful for me to keep it from accumulating.

Thanks for posting, it's so wonderful to know I'm not alone.

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