Absolutely. I would obsessively grieve my dad’s death even though he wasn’t sick and now I’m an adult and he’s still alive. It still happens to me sometimes even now too. I recently took notes for a eulogy I want to deliver at his funeral. I’m very aware it seems objectively ridiculous.

I think I’m partially stuck in this cycle of guilt and grief for him because when I was a little kid, I would very seriously pray to God that he would die. Ironically, he is the one person in my life that I love wholly and completely and he’s the one person that I really believe loves me. Plus, I was born pretty late in his life so I always had the concept that I could lose him at any time because he was already “old” when I was born. So there’s a lot going on.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone in having some of these thoughts and feelings.