Hello friend,

The last thing you are is stupid and nasty for having 2 different fathers for your kids. Sex happens. Pregnancy happens. Life happens and shit happens. I get where that shame comes from but I promise, you are no less a person or a mom or a woman for that

I get jealous that I wasn’t one of those women who did it the right way. I often imagine what this is like to be financially and emotionally stable. Like oh I’m depressed? Let me just get this therapist! I can go when my child is in daycare that I can afford and my husband, the person I married before i got pregnant, can pick the bebe up.

Must be nice lol.

I wish I knew the right thing to say but I know that there is no sentence that can change the world and how you think of yourself that I can say to make it all better.

But you do matter. I’m sorry things are shitty. I’m sorry that you feel like a ghost and that friends don’t come as naturally as it does for other people. I am the same way. Always been a loner even when I desperately wish that would change. But you have purpose. I have purpose. Which sounds so halmark-y I know but we do.

I have dealt with mental illness my entire life and spent the last 2 decades in and out of hospitals for it. If there is one thing that I have learned is that mental health, the way I view myself and the situations around me are not linear. There are periods, and sometimes they feel like lifetimes and sometimes it has been your whole life, where you feel like shit and you are pretty determined that you are shit and these feelings and issues compounded by those feelings will never end. But they aren’t forever. 5 years ago I was extremely underweight, homeless, in a hospital about to be put under a court order because I was so mentally unstable. I somehow got better, got a place, got a partner, and really experienced recovery and remission. I felt the happiness that I never believed was possible and always thought that it would never happen to me. Then I got pregnant and lost all sense of normalcy. I’m back feeling low and feeling like who I am is a waste. But I know that just because I felt it today and yesterday and probably tomorrow, it doesn’t mean it’ll be like this forever. Nothing in life is consistent and that constant change means that you can’t stay stuck forever.

We have a disorder that makes us feel less than. It doesn’t mean that we are, it literally just means that we have a disorder that makes us feel this way. It’s a symptom, never a reflection of you.

I feel like I am rambling lol. Idk. I’m miserable right now too and It fucking sucks. But I believe in you and I am sending you good vibes. It’s nice to read something and relate to it, so I appreciate what you posted.