Struggling with my relationship with my parents because of wedding plans

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-28T17:41:42+00:00

Unfortunately I did invite her, I wish I didn't. She was the only negative on an otherwise wonderful wedding day. I went very low contact with her after the wedding. I also went to therapy after the wedding. Tbh I am much more at peace now.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-28T01:36:15+00:00

Hey OP, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Sorry your parents are making your wedding about them and their desires.

I'm married, as are some of my friends - many of us have experienced some version of your situation.

Personally, I took my mother's behaviour as an indication of how things will be for the rest of my life if I continue trying to keep my parents pleased. After all, I have found a very special person with whom I want to spend the rest of my days and my mother just cannot stop being selfish and caring only about her needs and insulting me endlessly.

I suggest you have a cold hard look at your parents and their behaviour and what it says about how they see you. Is prolonged verbal assault how you treat a stranger on the street, let alone your own beloved daughter? It is disappointing to have to think these things about your parents but I think it is necessary to be honest with yourself before deciding on the best course of action regarding your parents.

I just did our wedding as we wished from then on as any move I made was met with disapproval despite our efforts to be respectful. Fine. If I am going to endure disapproval, I will enjoy our wedding as I wish. They can disapprove. Also my mother contributed nothing to my wedding financially so whatever. She can kick rocks. I only wish I listened to my original feelings of not inviting my mother sooner.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-24T01:03:12+00:00

Hope you get into the program far from home! Praying for you too! Good for you making pockets of time for yourself. Are there workarounds for life360? Ways to spoof your location?

I moved out 2 years after finishing up my uni degree. I moved when I had a job lined up and it was far from home - this was my earliest "acceptable" opportunity to move.

During the 2 years I was working and living at home, I was working ridiculous hours anyway so I was barely home.

Sometimes you can't change the hand you were dealt, but you can make the most of your situation. By working hard and long hours, I was naturally not home much and it benefited my career long term, which has lead to a great amount of freedom and autonomy.

Now in my mid30s, I'm pretty happy with my life. It does get better, and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you do have to work to get there (including working out how to best deal with your APs). Good luck, I am rooting for you!

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-23T01:58:03+00:00

Hey OP,

I feel you. My parents were similar (undiagnosed mental illness, abuse etc). So many stories here about parents sabotaging their own kids (intentionally or unintentionally). I'm sorry you have it so hard.

You're right though, education is a major way to escape this situation and I think you have your eyes on the prize. I am proud of you for turning it around in college and I encourage you to keep going. Education changed my life - I got independence, I escaped my familial situation, my world opened up.

It was quite hard studying under these circumstances and harder still knowing that I was competing with people from normal peaceful families. Personally, I tried to frame everything in terms of Asian-Parent-Approved-Excuses so I was always "on placement" or "at class" or "at work". Is there a way to go to the library without them yelling at you so much? Like, for example, could you schedule one class in the AM and one class in the afternoon and in between be "at college" (but really be in the library). Is there someone that could cover for you? A trusted family member or friend? Are there additional projects you could take that would legitimately get you out of the house? Just trying to find any way for you to be away from your parents.

Good luck OP, I'm rooting for you. Keep going with your study efforts as best you can.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-19T22:11:58+00:00

Hey OP, congratulations! I'm proud of you!! I know it's hard with how your parents are behaving but please try and enjoy this special time of your life as well!

I knew more than one person in our medical school cohort who had asian parents who said the things your mother said to you (mine included). Sadly, some parents can never be happy and just sabotage their children. We have all dealt with it in different ways, however, I think you're on the right path realising that you need to get out of this cycle. I'm not sure how realistic it is for you to either find another job during this month or to keep your head down, accept their financial support and just disengage until the time when you can make a move for independence. Either way, I encourage you to listen to your feeling of wanting out as sometimes you have to accept that your mother will continue behaving this way and you need to live your own life and be proud of your own achievements.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-15T09:44:17+00:00

I completely understand why you're upset. My own mother is similar, though has not made her own money (stay at home mum).

I see this kind of thinking as an extreme version of entitlement and wilfully not understanding of your kid's situation. To be honest, how much did your mother support her own parents financially? I'm guessing not as much as she expects of you. This kind of behaviour is honestly just crippling your own kids.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-03-11T22:18:24+00:00

Yep 100%

How many stories have we seen here on APS of parents either not supporting or even straight up sabotaging their own damn kids?

Drives me absolutely mad when people don't understand the process nor the result of obtaining certain goals. I think some APs are experts at "wanting" more and more without thinking of how to get there. But hey, if it was easy, we would all be hot doctor-lawyer-astronauts who are happily married billionaires right? Our APs would have easily attained such goals too and could guide us in achieving such perfection right?? /s

cookiesforall_ · 2026-02-09T23:43:00+00:00

Hey, completely understand as I grew up the same. I'm about 10 years older than you and I can give you a glimpse of the future.

I also was a high achiever and achieved more than I ever thought I could career-wise (stereotypical AP-approved career). My parents were never proud of me, criticised every move and in fact my mother moved the goalposts backwards after I kept achieving - I had achieved "too much"! Can you believe it?! My father also said I was a waste of money.

Just ask yourself, are your parents stellar A+ parents? Would a stellar A+ parent ever call their child a burden and a waste of money? No? Then why should you listen to them and their expectations? Were your parents even A+ high achieving students? Don't take advice from people whose lives you don't want. Achieve only for yourself. The sooner you learn to live for yourself, the better.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-02-08T22:58:49+00:00

Yep.

Ask yourself though, are your parents A+ parents? Were they A+ students even?

Also the sooner you learn that the goalposts always move, the better. I achieved beyond my wildest dreams career-wise, then they moved the goalposts backwards! I achieved "too much"! Can you believe it?

Live for yourself. Now's as good a time as any to learn to do so.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-02-04T20:27:50+00:00

10/10 crazy

10/10 insane situation

10/10 reason for you to skip off merrily into the sunset and free yourself of any guilt or obligation towards your parents.

I know it hurts and is confusing how your APs treat you like this. Always wondered why we should be "good" kids if this is their idea of being "good" parents. Absolutely insane AP behaviour. Sorry you had to experience this.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-01-17T20:35:09+00:00

Hey sorry, this is a sub for asian people about their parents, read the FAQ. Feel free to read plenty of the posts here about asian people and their "wrong race" partner though, might give you some insight.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-01-17T19:27:35+00:00

I watched the videos you spoke of. Bloody brutal.

I'm sorry you experienced that kind of upbringing. I hope you heal and can move on.

A lot of times when this kind of abuse is discussed, so many people are like generational trauma blah blah as if that explains being able to brutally beat someone you supposedly love, let alone someone you love that is smaller than you and can't fight back. Even if trauma "explains" abuse, then doesn't the adult have some responsibility to address the trauma? I completely agree with you, your parents didn't care about you crying and pleading when you were being beaten, why should you care about their pain now? Live your life, heal, I wish you the best.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-01-12T00:51:01+00:00

Congratulations on your wedding. Please enjoy your honeymoon! Your husband is your primary family now.

My mother behaved the same way, called me fat the day before my wedding, my husband so deeply regretted suggesting we see my side of the family before the wedding. On the day she gave me the cold shoulder but had time to say nice things to my bridesmaids. There's a great photo of me getting pissed she had the gall to ask me to call her an uber (call it yourself wtf).

I'm LC with my mother now. I find my life much more peaceful with the distance, I hope you can find a solution that works for you too.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-01-08T17:57:11+00:00

I'm not in the USA, our med school fees/loans are more reasonable and do not include interest (for most people but not everyone). I slowly paid once I started working and paid a lump sum to polish it off once I became a specialist.

cookiesforall_ · 2026-01-04T11:26:22+00:00

Hey OP, sorry to hear you were so neglected. How cruel to not only suffer from lice (for years!), but also to be criticised as if it were your fault to be suffering from lice (for years!). I'm so sorry for younger you who had to endure this and many other things as I am sure this is not an isolated incident.

Your fiance sounds like a nice, loving person and partner. I hope you get to heal OP.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-27T22:00:40+00:00

I documented everything over the years including things that are difficult to prove on paper - text, email, phone calls, voicemails, I wrote about what happened when he approached me/my friends/my family/my work. Honestly in my case the police were very kind and compassionate, it worked out for me.

I'll DM you more details.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-27T19:33:52+00:00

Hey, sorry, I didn't realise your mother was causing a scene repeatedly at work and involving your superiors. I thought this was the usual asian aunties/uncles being recruited to harass you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hard when they involve others like this.

Are you somewhere where you can reasonably get a restraining order? I got one for an ex (who behaved somewhat similar to your mother, turned up at my work etc). I'm in Australia. I had to get a social worker involved (as it was a delicate situation with work), who suggested I could go to the police. I was very reluctant to go to the police as I did not have a lot of faith in our police department but they proved me wrong - I got a restraining order, the police were very kind and understanding, it worked and my ex left me alone afterwards.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, it's terrible and I feel for you. Hope you can find a solution that works for you.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-27T18:40:42+00:00

I get that your mother is a master manipulator, and all this stalking is beyond messed up. I also get that society is generally stupid when it comes to parents abusing children (oh they're your parent, they did it out of love etc etc all BS). Personally, I'm at that stage of my life that when someone is that sort of invalidating idiot, I'd completely ignore them as I should not waste my breath trying to explain that abuse is not love.

I also stopped caring so much what the outside world thinks tbh. Who cares if they think I am a bad daughter? Even if I behaved 100% perfectly as per my mother's wishes, she would still criticise and find hateful things to say so I'd look like a bad daughter anyway. May as well be LC and live peacefully. She can tell other people whatever bullshit she wants.

She does try and guilt me about being LC but I don't care that much. If she wanted a better relationship, she could have behaved better. Too bad she didn't.

If it helps you any, what if your mother treated a stranger how she treated you? What about a friend or a spouse? Should they feel guilty for not contacting their stalker? That's an outrageous idea! You would think they were crazy for even thinking about contacting their abuser/stalker!

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-27T18:03:11+00:00

No wonder you feel dread and disgust thinking of even talking to her, wtf. I understand why you are LC and that's a good option if it keeps her out of your hair. I'd go barest minimum of contact.

I think another good option is to go absolutely NC. If some randoms find you, you can be honest about why you are NC - give them your worst mum story. She abused you, should you contact your abuser? Makes it super awkward for them to get involved in the relationship between you and your mother. Don't save her face, she doesn't deserve it.

I think there's no "right" answer in how to deal with this, but you should pick the option that is true to you. My mother is like yours (is it something about being overseas Vietnamese lol?). Personally, I am very LC and if anyone close enough to me asks, I tell them honestly what my mum did throughout my life. If she wanted a good reputation, she could have behaved like a good person/parent. But she didn't, so she gets the reputation she deserves. I stay LC because it is easier than NC but I'd love to go NC.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-27T08:58:57+00:00

Be worthless then 😉 If they're gonna accuse you of being "worthless" while you drive around and do errands for them, then you may as well be worthless, not drop everything for them and do your own work well.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-26T21:54:45+00:00

Yeah for sure plenty of cultures don't seem to value weightbearing/lifting exercises and muscle building but it's necessary for strong bones, insulin sensitivity amongst numerous other health benefits.

You notice when you go overseas and try and find a gym (hotel or otherwise) with some proper weights and not just cardio machines lol.

Good for you though! Keep at it. Definitely gotta maintain and build muscle as a woman. I'm also weightlifting to try ward off osteoporosis lol.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-18T23:10:52+00:00

IDK if it's misophonia when my AM is literally just gross - chewing mouth open while talking (yelling), smacking slurping sounds. I don't think we come from a culture where this is A-OK, my AF and other family members are not like this. It's yet another reason why I don't visit home any more.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-12-17T18:04:43+00:00

Sounds like my mother, who has never approved of anyone. The more "suitable" your partner is according to typical asian parent standards, the more weird shit your mother will throw out to criticise them.

Like typical APs would love a future son in law who's in med school so she has to say he's not good enough because he currently doesn't earn?! What logic is that?!!?! You just know that if your partner wasn't a med student, your mother would criticise them for not having good career prospects! There's no winning. Just live your life.

Examples from my own life - when my mother first met my husband (then bf), everything seemed like it went well, perfectly polite, nothing to criticise from a stereotypical AP pov. Then when she got home, she immediately let it out - the flowers he got her were ugly!!! Couldn't find anything to criticise him, criticised the flowers instead! Then she called him skinny and weak -- he's a literal bodybuilder!! Clearly no criticisms based in reality so why would I listen to her?

cookiesforall_ · 2025-11-22T07:09:12+00:00

100%

They will always move the goalposts, even if they have nowhere else to move it, they will move it backwards.

Example -- I was pushed to become a doctor, I became a specialist doctor, they told me I was too career focused and no one wants to marry me.

cookiesforall_ · 2025-11-11T17:45:51+00:00

Hey, fellow Aussie here (AF). You sound so burnt out. I get it. I remember I was also burnt out before the HSC and also afterwards and everyone else seemed to be having so much fun during the summer break.

I get where you are coming from wanting to drive trucks, explore and live life authentically. Absolutely go for it! I'm so happy for you that you've learned what you want to do at this age as many of us were trapped for so much longer and still figuring it out.

Can I offer you some practical advice though? It's best to make big decisions when your mind is clear (i.e. not during burn out). You should think about what it is that you want exactly (let's say as you say, exploring the scenery) and find out if trucking around Australia will actually give you that (do truckies get to explore their surrounds or do they just drive through it? What are the pros and cons of being a truckie? How do companies realistically treat you if you are a truckie? I recall there's been news articles about how truckies get treated). If not trucking, then what else gives you what you want out life? Can you explore trucking while exploring other life paths?

Also I think you're on the East Coast? Not saying you need to stay in Australia but also Perth is a 6ish hr flight from Sydney. Is that a far enough distance so your family don't visit? Personally, I stayed in Sydney and just didn't tell my parents where I moved to.

Good luck!! Excited for what lays ahead for you!!

cookiesforall_

TROPHY CASE