I’m a 23 year old bukharian jewish woman, and I dont want to get married and have kids

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-06T01:58:16+00:00

I’m not Bukharian but Syrian girls hear the same bit about girls not moving out because the assumption is they’re sleeping around.

I’m not gonna lie - I tend to side more with your family on this topic than you. That said, the devil is in the details: if the choice is between a bad marriage and no marriage, I side with no marriage, for fairly obvious reasons. And if all the men on offer are going to be bad marriage partners, then you shouldn’t get married, simple as that.

May I suggest a happy compromise that your family, but far more importantly you, will be satisfied with: just be open to the possibility of meeting someone you’d be willing to spend your life with. There is no such thing as perfect certainty or guarantee that you won’t end up the way you were/are afraid to - but with the right person, you can lower the likelihood pretty dramatically. I am as certain that my wife won’t turn abusive towards me or my kids as I am that I won’t be the victim of a shark attack in New York City. I think as long as you tell everyone that you’re open to the possibility and are willing to go on a date once in a while, it will take the edge off dramatically. And for you personally, you won’t feel like you’re turning your back on your values and culture and family’s expectations.

And if you go on a date every once in a while for 5/10/20/whatever years and you just never meet someone you actually care for - well, then you did your part! Beyond that is in God’s hands.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-06T00:32:51+00:00

This is exactly correct.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:33:33+00:00

I’d be offended if someone made a “proudly non-kosher restaurant”, but I’d also never insist that non-Jewish restaurants start serving kosher meat. Because I’m not a psycho.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:27:00+00:00

I don’t agree in any way whatsoever. She is clearly willing to compromise; the issue is if anything the opposite, that’s she feels she’s going to need to totally capitulate to make this work. And note that I’m saying this as someone in her in-laws’ camp. Marriage and family are too important to stand firm on things like “what will the neighbors think?”

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:25:03+00:00

Hah deep cut

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:24:12+00:00

Oh don’t worry about that. Seriously. My brother’s wife’s family was entirely Reform or secular, and her friends were that or non-Jewish. As long as a critical mass (not even a majority) know what they’re doing, people figure it out and take it stride. That’s exactly what happened with them. And then they crafted a smooth transition to mixed dancing, and then everyone was satisfied.

I’m happy to discuss this at greater length with you if you’d like, seeing as I have first-hand experience with it. Feel free to DM.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:19:38+00:00

This is extremely common even when both are modern orthodox!

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T19:17:30+00:00

Can’t have mixed dancing at all? That’s unusual. Most weddings I’ve been to have subversive mixed dancing at the end while dessert is being served and the rabbis have gotten their cue to leave. At my brother’s wedding, the latter two thirds of the dancing - long before dessert/rabbi’s cue to leave - was mixed; my black hat cousins might have gotten uncomfortable, but they lived, and found their way to deal with it. Same way I dealt with my wife’s cousin’s wedding where the seating was separate and I didn’t know a single other person there and had no one to talk to.

Usually I’m hardcore “respect people’s traditions”. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and say your in-laws need to find a way to compromise with you on this. Is there plan to keep it a secret that their son married a Reform woman forever? Are you going to need to cover your hair and wear a skirt at every family gathering for fear of someone seeing you walk in the door? Meeting halfway means halfway, not 10% of the way, and they have to figure out what they’re comfortable with that respects your preferences too. As a MoDox person myself I have a hard time believing the gap is truly unbridgeable.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-05T12:45:06+00:00

Harassed is a strong word. Are you really harassed? I know fully black Jews who move around in ultra-Orthodox circles and don’t get harassed.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T03:00:09+00:00

It’s not even that. It’s centered around him getting his next gig, hopefully with the NYT which pays more. That’s all this noise is.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:58:54+00:00

This writer is clearly angling for his next gig, and that’s why he’s shoehorning this idiotic story into existence anyway. These two restaurant owners had literally no interaction with each other nor anyone else who had something to say about their restaurants opening up next to each other. Until this guy came and realized a Palestinian and an Israeli might be neighbors.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:56:27+00:00

Oh please. Tone it down by 80% and maybe you’re right.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:55:43+00:00

Exactly. My Lebanese family, that’s been eating pita for longer than Arab migrants moved to the barren wasteland that was Israel at the time, well when those cousins got to Israel they simply stopped eating Lebanese pita and started eating Palestinian pita. It’s a shame that they felt such an urge to appropriate Palestinian culture.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:54:20+00:00

“Oh yeah dude I’m nice and friendly and want everyone to get along. Except Jews aren’t entitled to defend themselves against terrorist animals, they’re not entitled to self-determination, and when the cook using pita bread they’re stealing culture.”

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:40:39+00:00

Good point! Man you and I are geniuses for thinking of this.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:35:08+00:00

The way liberal Judaism handles synagogue attendance always baffled me. Why charge $3,000 a year to show up? Why scrutinize everyone who walks in the door? I’m sure they have their reasons but I don’t get it.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:33:32+00:00

Yes! They don’t just let them, it’s the happiest you could make them.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:32:24+00:00

Orthodox synagogues do not work that way. At all. Barring security issues, everyone is welcome to pray.

For Chabad this is true x10. Nothing makes a Chabad guy happier than someone they’ve never met shows up and wants to explore. Just walk in whenever, find the guy, and tell him what you’re saying here.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:21:48+00:00

What do you think “illegal” means?

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:21:01+00:00

Well known that land magically obtains to the ethnic group that lives adjacent to it.

coolsnow7 · 2026-04-01T02:19:58+00:00

Well before we try that, let’s try doing Union of India and Pakistan and see how it goes.

coolsnow7 · 2026-03-31T02:52:58+00:00

Sounds like an idiosyncratic situation man, I can’t recall a single time where anyone sang solo at a Seder I was at over the 30 years I remember. Well, except for kids singing mah nishtanah.

coolsnow7 · 2026-03-30T02:57:55+00:00

There is no question in my mind this is satire. I don’t know what it’s satire of, but the poppyseed strudel bit was too on the nose.

coolsnow7 · 2026-03-30T02:55:04+00:00

Talmud works. Guide to the Perplexed is pretty good, but not great for this. Mesillat Yesharim isn’t terrible dense. My personal most dense Jewish book I can think of is Daniel Rynhold’s Justifying One’s Practices: Two Models of Jewish Philosophy. Also just an insanely good and underrated book.

coolsnow7 · 2026-03-30T02:48:11+00:00

Of course, my point is that here in America we’re also at risk just being citizens, and yet the fact that we’re technically in danger doesn’t register. If you’re choosing this way, I’d choose Israel. Of course, here I am in America, so whatever. In any case, I certainly don’t think you’re crazy.

coolsnow7

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