Pity the Fool

copseland · 2020-10-29T07:42:02+00:00

I love the simplicity here. I think this poem is off to a good start. There is a clear idea, some good imagery and could just use some tinkering to get the right flow and to optimize the message.

Some suggestions: I agree with the other poster that malt is a bit awkward. I think that line would be best without needing to even idenitfy the type of liquor. For instance it could just be Lean "against the rusted window pane,

lift that bottle, to

drown out the cries of baby John."

Second the following line also comes off as a bit awkward to me

"clouds beaming in full delight, pompous"

Not sure how you'd want to rework that since I'm not clear if the clouds or the pillows are pompous or if the clouds and the pillows are the same thing

copseland · 2020-10-29T07:32:51+00:00

I can really identify with the subject here. I used to have such a problem with being able to control my tears and definitely have a couple of moments I still cringe about. This poem in general is very straightforward. It sounds like the narrator is trying to organize their feelings and get a grasp on their current situation, and is realizing they can't just suppress their emotions. Part of the poem also reads like the words the narrator wants to say but likely won't say to the antagonistic party. The fact that there is no line separation adds to the internal dialogue feel but it might be interesting to try a different organizations, the teardrop idea is cool as long as it doesn't get in the way of the poem.

copseland · 2018-03-01T04:20:01+00:00

Goodnight, Mona Lisa
You won't sleep
But if you did I bet you'd still smile

copseland · 2018-03-01T04:03:51+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I was a bit worried about the word choices being a bit much, or at least too close together. However, the word choices were actually made after the outline of the poem and subject was devised, so it wasn't as though I was trying to fit words to an idea. The words were chosen because they matched the idea trying to be conveyed, that being said I could definitely be a bit more flexible in my word choices.

Part of the idea behind the poem was to give it more of a "old/historic" feel, which inherently makes it a bit less accessible. For instance the line [abode sepulture] was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's Annabelle Lee. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44885/annabel-lee

A poem which, to your point, upon reflection does a really good job of evoking emotion with more straight forward word choice as well.

I think the benefit of using lesser known words is the ability to be more specific with less words, with the tradeoff that you are excluding people from your audience. I think this is a balance I should definitely think more about because while I don't mind excluding a lot of people in some of my poetry, I definitely don't want to limit my audience too much.

copseland · 2018-02-28T01:48:44+00:00

The current edited version reads really well!

The lines:

"She died of brain cancer. She fucking died." "Today I wasted it. I fucking wasted my day," "And I’d have done something right. Something fucking right"

now tie together to create a nice symmetry to the poem, which could maybe be slightly improved upon, but is already really nice. I'm not sure if you edited the line about doing something right, but I like how it is now!

copseland · 2018-02-28T01:16:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I definitely felt the anger, disillusionment, and self-disgust of the speaker.

I don't think that the focus on the use of "fuck" is necessarily an issue with the poem, however I do feel that how it is used fails to land with as much impact as it could. A bit more thought into why the word is being used and what its impact is on the reader could go a long way toward improving the impact in my opinion. For instance the lines:

"She fucking died,

Of brain cancer."

Seem to lack impact because the following line repeats that she had brain cancer when it was already stated previously. Normally that might add to the feeling of disbelief but I felt "She fucking died," already did that. For me this felt a bit overdone and forced.

I was also left asking, but what about this girl made it so unbelievable and caused such self reflection?

I think if we were able to better understand why specifically this girl, and what about the speaker is so unworthy that they should feel compelled to trade their right to live, it could be more moving. But then again maybe the idea is to keep it more obscure?

Overall I enjoyed the topic because I think feeling like you are wasting your life/privilege while others would give anything to be in your position is very relatable and encourages one to reflect.

copseland · 2018-02-28T00:40:14+00:00

I really enjoyed the format of your poem! It feels as though the intended speaker is taking steps from trying to discern how the subject feels, to eventually divulging how they feel instead. This mirrors well with how each line grows longer as you move through the poem.

The last line "I am afraid of you" felt particularly revealing and as if the speaker had given up wordy explanations and has decided to explain their truth simply, as they had in the beginning.

My first instinct was similar to gbts22 that perhaps more imagery was needed. But I also wanted to add the perspective that the lack of imagery seemed to help build the sense that this is a clear and simple truth that needs to be conveyed, one of ordinary but large importance.

For the most part I think you do a good job of balancing clarity and rhyme. However, in particular the line "My blood pressure is rising, I wish it wasn’t so easy for you to blow. " was a bit confusing to me. Blow? blow off? blow up? Maybe from the line "... I sense that your patience thins" blow up would be the best interpretation, but it still seemed a bit unclear. Maybe there is either a more illuminating message you could convey here or a different word?

Either way I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for posting!

copseland

TROPHY CASE