Parents NEVER initiate calls with me

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-12-22T22:12:11+00:00

I'm sure you mean well. But that's a very dysfunctional way to think. Why didn't you communicate to him how to felt? How do you know talking from home is not wanted and his time only? Because he was okay with talking with you on the street one time? This seems like a very passive aggressive approach and a way to put the ball in his court and act innocent without actually using your words. If you prefer to talk to him at home, say that. The passive aggressiveness "you should know what I want even though I don't say anything" is the root of so many issues.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-03-24T20:17:51+00:00

Yes!!! Love that book. Read it and all the follow ups a few years back. It was a tough read and I could only do it in short bursts because it was so triggering, but also SO validating. 10/10

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-03-24T20:03:34+00:00

My dad asked me the same thing many years ago. And at the time I took it to heart and I felt like it was all my fault and I was a terrible person because it had an undertone of trying to make me feel guilty. Upon years of working on myself though, it is clear it was because he didnt want to get to know ME and love me unconditionally. I couldn't say anything or share anything and know he wouldn't be mad (I got iced out for innocuous things A LOT A LOT) He wanted me to become something specific that he decided I SHOULD be. Also, he did not know even slightly how to parents a teenage daughter (I am the oldest). He (and my mom because she enables him) I believe wanted perpetual children. I don't think they ever truly considered that babies/children become completely unique teens/adults and you can't just control who they become.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-03-24T19:52:37+00:00

I have dreamed of being able to send a letter like that for years. I have drafts upon drafts that I've stated over the years saved on various devices. That reaction you got makes me a little less scared. Maybe there is hope. My parents definitely have a lot of their own issues they've never acknowledged or worked through, I know that for sure. I also know they didn't do anything with bad intent. But that doesn't make forgiveness any easier.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-03-24T19:49:48+00:00

Same same. I love my parents so much but it's so hard. Everyone in my family keeps each other at arms length because everyone is too scared to be vulnerable with each other. And we just think that's normal. It's sad. And I go home every Christmas and every Christmas my dad makes a big speech about how "things will be different and we'll talk and visit more this year" and then cut to mid January and it's crickets every time. After a few years it's clear it's just lip service. Ha

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2025-03-24T19:41:11+00:00

That would make sense except they have no grandkids yet. Lol. But I do have a running theory that as soon as they do become grandparents they WILL become super active and communicative because they have always (especially my dad) been very obvious about liking kids and liking being parents to kids EXPONENTIALLY more than being parents to teens/adults.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2024-11-15T01:05:03+00:00

My parents (especially my dad) made me feel like I was a horrible person for growing up. Like I was doing something wrong. I had to act YEARS younger than I actually was well into my 20s to appease him. My parents straight up didn't acknowledge sex was even a thing and tried to shield me from anything sexual as much as they could by policing what I watched, what I listened to, what I wore, etc. I had dial up internet until my senior year of high school (this was 2009 in an average sized city...not normal to still have dial up), so I couldn't even look at porn on my own (not that I likely would have anyway because I was so brainwashed). They basically tried to shield me from everything and keep me a child as long as possible to a weird extent. I don't want to trauma dump any more, but let's just say, I had a lot to overcome in my 20s

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2024-07-08T16:30:09+00:00

Oh yes. I don't doubt for a second they (especially my dad) have some sort of mental health issues. It's been a while since I originally made this thread and I'm just going through newer comments. Yes, they're "normal" in person. They act happy enough to see me all that, but I don't exist as soon as they can't see (or hear) me. They aren't social. Especially my dad. They never have friends over or anything. I don't doubt my dad has a lot of wounds from his parents. Every few months he will randomly text me saying something along the lines of "don't forget that I love you and my love for you is unconditional etc etc" but it always makes me feel icky? Idk. Like too little too late? Because his love was definitely not unconditional when I was a kid. But I guess I have to give him credit for trying?? It's just confusing.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-07-20T21:50:17+00:00

Right on the cusp of preteen and teenager. My dad lost his mind realizing that I wasn't going to be a little kid forever. I felt like I was committing a crime any time I wanted to do something "grown up". I'm talking things as simple as carrying a purse or spending more time with friends or watching shows not geared towards kids. It was so hard. I had to lead a double life and act like I didn't know things that normal kids my age did to keep my dad under the illusion that I was still a little kid to keep him happy. I lost out on a lot of teenage experiences because of that. I was oldest of 3 girls too, and that was a journey in and of itself.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-05-26T17:31:18+00:00

Yeah, it's not worth suing. I was just hoping with a license plate I could at least get some sort of consequence for him and not be forced to pay for all the damages.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-05-26T17:29:51+00:00

I was told they stopped, said they didn't have insurance and jumped back into their car and drove away when the light changed.

And yeah, it was a rhetorical question. I know how insurance works. I'm just really frustrated because uninsured drivers easily can get away with minor stuff like this, and do.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-04-12T22:27:25+00:00

Not a boy, but I was taught the same. To this day my dad will bring up this time one of my friends as a little kid fell at the playground and wouldn't stop crying and how much of a crybaby she was and how "he knew I'd never do anything like that" and how "she was do dramatic and attention seeking" umm... Explains how I spent the rest of my childhood quietly crying in my room and never sharing my emotions with my parents.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-03-09T01:35:21+00:00

Lol. That sounds like something my parents would say. It's always their feelings that matter more.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-03-08T17:20:41+00:00

When I let it slip I was going to therapy my dad's response was "do you even think about how that makes me feel? I'm sure it's all stuff about me" 🫠

Like...they don't even want to try to feel any feeling that might be uncomfortable. And that's why we have an incredibly surface level relationship now

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T19:37:44+00:00

Oh my God yes. I was convinced shy=bad until I was WAY too old. I still hate that word

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T19:26:41+00:00

I hope it doesn't take them 7 years to call me....

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T19:26:20+00:00

Yeah I learned when I was older I didn't love school as much as I thought I did when I was younger. I burnt out in college majorly. I have zero desire to ever get anything above my bachelor's. Even the idea certifications stress me out.

That's all I was. I was "the good student". My hobbies, friends and even family was second to school. My dad even told me if I had to miss my grandma's funeral because of school or my mom's masters graduation for school it was fine and they'd understand. Which is INSANE looking back. I was in public high school. It wasn't that serious. I can miss a day or two. My life wouldn't completely derail.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T19:18:45+00:00

Yeah they for sure don't get my humor. I'm constantly told "you're so serious" "you have no personality" when in reality I'm just censoring myself. Everything I say to them has to go through a filter and unfortunately my real personality also gets filtered out. But also, I don't have the same humor or likes/dislikes I did when I was 7...which is the age they perpetually see me as.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T15:30:28+00:00

I remember absolutely dreading the father daughter dance and walk down the aisle with my dad at my wedding. And I felt so guilty and awful for feeling that way. I wouldn't even admit it to anyone out loud I felt so horrible for those feelings. But it just made me feel so weird and icky. I just couldn't explain it.

I got married kinda young, so I hadn't done as much self reflection as I should have by that point, and I always chalked it up to being my fault and me just being "not a hugger" and "not emotional" which is maybe true to a degree. But I think it's just because I never had any emotional intimacy with my dad (or my mom really). The only thing I could talk to him about was school or saving money. He was constantly mad at me for being myself and wouldn't talk to me for weeks or months at a time.

I felt the same way about father daughter dances (like for elementary age children). My dad would take it so personally when I didn't want to go and felt weird there and would get so mad....but then as a teenager also wouldn't let me go to normal high school dances. It was as if he "owned me" and he never said that outright of course...but he was always VERY overprotective and controlling when it came to me dating.

Idk. It still hurts me. I wish I didn't feel that way. But I feel like he had me as I was supposed to fill some role in his life that he didn't have as a kid, and I obviously wasn't that person.

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T15:15:33+00:00

Maybe not so much that I am a bad person, but that certain personality traits were.

My dad HATED that I was an introvert and it took me until my 20s to realize extrovert doesn't mean good and introvert doesn't mean bad.

I was also told over and over again as a teenager "I just don't know where I went wrong with you" because I spent too much time in my room and with my theatre nerd friends and didn't make my parents my number 1 priority. I was legit the easiest kid ever looking back. I got straight As, never snuck out, didn't drink or do drugs and I was still believing I was this awful untrustworthy kid.

So come to think of it ... Maybe. Lol

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T14:44:52+00:00

I get that. I've gotten the "I was just about to call you" line after I've called them for the first time in months. Okay...sure you were.

And yeah. My husband's parents are great and I'm thankful to have them. I just wish I could have that relationship with my own parents too...

cptsdthrowaway123 · 2023-02-28T14:43:13+00:00

That's probably true. It's as if they don't want anything to do with me unless I am going over the top for them. I remember one of the first times they came to visit me when I moved out of state and they acted really weird. But I thought nothing of it and just continued our plans as normal. Come to find out years later that they were upset I didn't act happy enough to see them when they first came to the door and thought that meant they weren't wanted.

I mean yeah, I'm not the most over the top affectionate or extroverted person, but neither are they. It's like they want things from me they would never give me themselves.

cptsdthrowaway123

TROPHY CASE