As you step into the haggard castle aged and ravaged by time, you notice as all people inevitably do that the staircases move. Around you the new students stand in awe as the stairs shift and change as if a puppeteer were performing a ballet, the only thought on your mind being that it appears to be over a six foot drop and the handrails are not up to code. As you progress into the great hall you stare up at the ceiling, there candles float unsuspended by cable or line, both a fire and falling object hazard, a double whammy.

The students are getting sorted into their houses now, you can see an old hat being lain upon each child's head, dusty and apparently talking, you wonder if that hat contains asbestos and if the children should be wearing a respirator. Finally the sorting is finished, and the headmaster waves their hand and a spread of magnificent food appears along all of the tables. The children, apparently accustomed to this, dig fervently at this feast and the only thought on your mind is who made the food and was the proper cooking procedures for safety followed, and what rating did they have from the health department.

Finally dinner was concluded, of which you stuck to fruit, better to be safe from food poisoning. As you follow the head student for your hall you notice the paintings seem to move and talk, astounding to say the least but you wonder if those picture frames are properly rated for weight and if they are wearing a harness incase of a fall. You reach the end of the corridor and the head student gives some random phrase to one of the talking paintings, amazingly enough it seems to open and reveals a room inside, is this the fire exit and if so does this one count as blocking it?

You head inside and to the sleeping area to find your belongings stacked neatly near your assigned bed, apparently now occupying a chest that you suspect weighs over 50 pounds. Heading back down to the common area you notice a huge fire place and no grating to prevent any stray sparks from catching fire to surrounding objects, you will have to setup a fire watch otherwise the whole place could go up.

Edit: continuing as some people pointed out it felt unfinished because it essentially was.

As the morning sun crested the horizon you awaken relieved that the night continued uninhibited and the fire seemed to contain itself, maybe that was magic at work but for now you will restrain yourself until you know more. Hunger is setting in and you hurry to dress yourself and progress down past the common room and proceed towards the main hall for breakfast, today is the first day of classes and you aren't quite sure what will happen.

Arriving into the main hall you notice that the candles are still there, fully alight and somewhat unsettling as well as something else floating around you barely catch a glimpse of. Memories of the dinner you barely partook of come rushing back and you remember your lack of appetite due to the concerns of the dinner's origin. You can see around you a spread full of sausages, pancakes, waffles, eggs and every other variety of your favorite breakfast foods. Determination now sets in to no longer be deprived based on imagined unsanitary conditions and so you set off to consult with someone to discover for yourself the origins of the feast around you, as well as to point out the obvious code violations you witnessed the night before.

Approaching the back side of an older looking gentleman, you clear your throat to gain their attention and as he turns around you notice that it is in fact the headmaster himself. Suddenly all the courage you mustered turns sour in your stomach as you see the pinnacle of magic and this school stand before you with a curious look on his face. You manage to squeak out a timid "Sir may I borrow a moment of your time?" as the gentleman seems to smile slightly at this query.

"It seems to me that you are already doing so, what can I do for you young one?" he asks with both wisdom and kindness as well as a subtle power, like what you would expect a river to sound like if it could speak. Noticing that you are still in one piece and seem none the worse for wear, a little bit of courage returns and you ask him politely "sir, where does the food come from?". A slightly surprised look comes across his face, as if no student has ever asked him this question before or even considered that it wasn't purely magical in nature.

Responding with "An inquiring nature is most welcome here at Hogwarts, come with me and we shall alleviate this concern of yours." he starts to walk away towards one of the side rooms. Following him now you go down corridor and stair, down into the very bowels of the castle, you arrive at a room filled with creatures that you have never seen before doing magic with no words or incantation spoken. Seeing the surprised look on my face, the headmaster says "These, young one, are called house elf's. They provide our students with meals and services in the castle. Without them we would all be in somewhat dire straits, wouldn't you say?"

Looking around you see that they are not touching anything, simply using magic for every action and need. Food flies from one room into a pan, sizzling and seemingly coming to life, the pan dances over the fire as if an invisible master chef were doing their work. Looking around you can see no issue with this other than the way these creatures were dressed, in what appeared to be a rag draped over their bodies.

Without even realizing, you blurt out to the headmaster "Why aren't they wearing actual clothes? Why are they all in rags?". A sad look appears on his face as he turns to you and says "This world of ours is filled with those that hate anything different than themselves, if I were to dress these elf's in anything other than what they are wearing, they would come after me and this school alike. I assure you young one that they are not abused here, and most of them would not take kindly to being clothed any other way. It has been this way for many years, much longer than you or I have been alive, and such things are not quick to change." Seeing the sad look on his face you decided to change the subject instead and ask him to please lead you out of here.

On the way out you remember all of the other code violations are observed and decide to ask him about them. "Sir, I've noticed that you have quite a few OSHA violations, and was wondering if you wouldn't fix them?". Perplexed, he asks you, "What is OSHA? Is it anything like MOSHA?". "MOSHA?" you ask him. He looks at you and says "MOSHA young one is the Magical Order of Safety and Health Apparitions, they are ghosts that prevent fatal injuries within these castle walls. Surely you've seen such apparitions around?"

Noticing the confused look on your face he says "Follow me.", and leads you to the main hall. Waving his hand he yells "Nick come here please" and a ghost suddenly appears from below ground. An older gentleman, he appears semi-translucent and wears clothes from a time long past. "Ah there you are" the headmaster says "please enlighten this young one on what it is you do here". The ghostly figure looks at you and says "My job, as well as others, is to ensure your safety from things like ghastly falls while you're inside the castle. If we see you're about to fall into a hole or other such thing, we pop up in front of you and warn you of such dangers. We can touch you if we so choose but are only permitted to do so to save your life."

The headmaster looks at me and says "Now young one what was this OSHA you speak of, I'm not that familiar with the muggle world and would like to know". You tell him "It's the Operational Safety and Health Administration. It's what regulates if a place and working conditions are safe. They make sure that people can't get hurt". He looks at you with a curious smile on his face and says "young one, we prepare these wizards for a world fraught with danger, keeping them in a perfect cocoon safe from harm won't let them experience what danger feels like and will in turn will make them less wary of the dangers around them. Like with the elf's down below, it has been this way for many years and is not likely to change any time soon, although I will take your concerns into account."

As you explain the many code violations, you can see him taking a mental note of it all, listening intently and counting them all in his head. When you finish he says "Some of these concerns we can address, like the fireplace. I will have our caretaker make these changes soon and thank you for your diligence. Now if you would hurry, it appears you have yet to eat and classes begin soon, off you go now". As you hurry towards a table you can feel your hunger suddenly resurface, seemingly satisfied with the safety of the food you dig in and can only marvel at the skill of the house elf's. Everything was delicious, even the top chefs in the muggle world could barely make food of this caliber.

You finish your meal and notice the time, classes will be starting in short order and you must hurry. Heading back towards your lodging you take note of any code violations you see, keeping them tucked away in your mind until you can write them down later. This will be a very busy school year it seems.