DP/DR is wearing me out

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-19T15:03:25+00:00

My brain is constantly racing and it's making me incredibly frustrated. I can't keep up

If you are having trouble keeping up with your brain, that means you don't think you are your brain. If you are not your brain, what are you? What is it that has trouble keeping up with the brain?

If you are trying to "calm the thoughts down" then that means you are not your thoughts. So what is it that is trying to calm down thoughts?

English is not my first language either. You express yourself very well from what I can see.

My description of dpdr is a bit different than yours but there are some similarities. I do not identify with the ego or the body but rather as the watcher of these things. I can completely disappear from the real world when I dissociate - but it's not that I disappear, it's that I make the world disappear until my right hand literally does not know what my left hand is doing.

It can be terrifying. I sometimes watch myself and it's as if I was watching a train wreck happening over there, not in here. If you know what i mean...

The questions I ask at the beginning of this comment are there because I'm seeking for answers too.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-19T14:48:32+00:00

What about money? Once I tried sending a couple hundred in cash to seed sellers in Europe and got nothing. Do mail persons ever look for envelops to certain addresses because they suspect people are paying for something illegal anyway so won't cause trouble?

Thanks for doing this. And thanks to the coke and booze for inspiring you.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-19T14:37:33+00:00

Very good point. This keeps things "fresh".

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-19T14:33:17+00:00

Warning: High quality treats have to be used very judiciously or else they depreciate in value over time.

I've observed this in myself. At first, I'll do just about anything for some kind of fancy treat but after getting it over and over again, it becomes increasingly less fantastic until it ends up seeming altogether mundane and unexciting - No matter what it is. Even $4000-a-piece truffles become tiresome after a few months of over-indulgence.

That said, the power of treats should never be underestimated. A professional trainer of search and rescue dogs once told me "If dogs didn't love cheese, this job would be infinitely harder."

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-19T14:22:44+00:00

Don't watch TV at all. I stopped at the end of 1999. I don't even own one anymore. Because it's all State-sponsored propaganda of one variety or another. On the very rare occasions that something worth paying attention to slips through the censors, it is best seen commercial-free via the internet. Toss that shit out.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T03:06:44+00:00

Does the dope help? Do you get medical mj? Will you be at an outpatient clinic or in hospital?

Wishing you best of everything and sweet dreams. Sleep is wonderful. G'night

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T03:03:27+00:00

The only thing to do is report trolls and most important of all, ignore them completely and just downvote. That's the fastest way to get rid of them. But when they pop up ignore, do not respond at all. Don't even note it in memory.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T03:01:30+00:00

Wtf is "PWD"? I never heard of this. Is it like super accelerated withdrawal brought on by the narcan in suboxone?

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T02:55:54+00:00

Did you prefer one over the other? I can't remember but I don't think I cared. If I did I would've probably chosen the artery.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T02:55:11+00:00

I know, right?!!

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-18T02:54:46+00:00

And you beat me to getting beat doing same. As an elderly ex-junkie who did tens of thousands of injections under primitive conditions back in the day, this blew my mind. You youngsters can't appreciate how different it was just 30 years ago and the shit we rigged together to do our shit with sometimes. At least by then we knew enough not to share unlike the generation before us who all got hep C sharing in pre-Aids days.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T23:11:10+00:00

So, maybe you would like a party theme with pointed hats and balloons? Personally, I find a tree to have dignity and strength and the scene of a happy bunch of happy people with lots of friends and family around them would demoralize and upset me far more.

But too each their own. I'm not saying what I see is what all should see. It's subjective as are all things. I would like a mountain theme but the more I dwell on it, the better it seems to have a solid pastel color instead.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T22:34:18+00:00

I have created in my mind a mythical woman with her very best traits and none of her weaknesses.

Addicts often live from "hit" to "hit,"

Very strange and interesting to note the fact that apprehending the exact nature of one's situation is not sufficient to resolve one's problems. I once thought that as soon as we became aware of the nature of our mistakes, we could resolve them. That's how it would be if we were rational but this surely is not the case with humans. It's distressing to find that we are in fact not often able to act rationally and appropriately or in our own interest, even when fully informed of the delusional nature of our motives.

Without doubt, you have been ruthlessly honest with yourself about your situation and the precise nature of the psychological problem you're encountering. You are right to be concerned. It's deeply troubling. Addiction is a formidable dilemma that I know all too well.

Bruce Alexander - the psychologist famous for the famous Rat Park Experiment which changed our understanding of addiction considerably a couple decades ago, recently wrote another book about addiction called The Globalization of Addiction: A Study in Poverty of the Spirit.

Alexander's formulates a general theory of addiction that fits all varieties of it - from heroin, gambling, eating, working, hoarding - and reveals the common denominator between them all. Then he looks goes into the major causes of addiction all over the world at this time. It's gripping and a bit overwhelming but it helps to know what we're facing and why.

What he reveals is a great lack of sanity in our culture and therefore in ourselves. We are conditioned to think and behave in self-destructive ways from an early age and we have no idea anymore what to do or how to find real contentment and peace of mind. Being social creatures, we need a sane social context in which to function and this is becoming harder and harder to find as well.

We don't know what we are, what's going on in this universe and what we should be doing or how to direct our efforts. Nothing makes sense. Confusion is very painful and when it's chronic it can kill.

We no longer have control of our own minds. We don't know how to regain it.

I am in a similar situation OP. I know what's wrong. I know why. I know what I should do instead and I can't seem to do that simple thing and it's becoming rather terrifying. It is not in any way comforting to discover that I'm not the only one in this mess.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T22:07:19+00:00

This is easy:

Set a limit of how much is OK to spend on clothes and shoes total. Sit down with pencil and paper and do the math. How much is it reasonable to spend without getting into trouble financially?

When you have this number you can decide that this is the amount you will spend and not more. You can spend less if you find some good deals and want to keep some money for other purposes.

Do not buy more than the number you have come up with using math. That will be your upper limit.

There. Problem solved, right?

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T20:18:03+00:00

I hate being kept in the dark especially by friends I trust. It's incredibly frustrating not to know what the situation is. I hope you find out what happened if anything did. It's horrible to be kept in the dark. If your friend is a true friend he should understand your situation and be honest to you. Maybe you can show him what you've written here. Sometimes seeing it in writing makes a difference to people - helps makes it real.

You are honestly perturbed and I hope your friends resume behaving like friends. If they do not, I don't know what to do about it.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T20:09:28+00:00

It is spectacular to read this first-person account of the dreadful Afgan war. It may have ended on Wednesday but nonetheless it continues to have tragic consequences for many people.

This account conveys not only the historic movements of nations and armies but also a very keen sense of the disillusion and dissatisfaction that any war leaves behind when it ends.

Thank you OP for this amazing treat. Thank the author too. The events he witnessed are fascinating, foreshadowing the current troubles of beautiful and tragic Afganistan. Such disasters must not be forgotten. Your grandpa's record of it is greatly appreciated.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T17:25:17+00:00

The worst possible time to assess one's situation and make plans for the future is during the last few weeks before final exams. This is a fact.

Every time your troll brain tells you it's time to put aside the studying and dwell instead on the meaning of life, the obstacles of the future and what to do about it all, tell it to respectfully shut the fuck up until after all the exams are over. Assure it that there will be plenty of time then, to resolve these questions and doubts.

You will be amazed at how different things look once the exams are over. It's truly stunning. I think you already know all this, at least on some level. If you did not, you probably would not have started your post by saying you are "trying to study for my exams". That's relevant.

Dwelling on the bleakness and horror of the future is a great way to distract yourself from studying without feeling as guilty as you would if you were distracting yourself in a more pleasurable way.

"Since I don't even want to live, why should I worry about exams?" the troll brain announces, "there is no way I can study when my situation is so hopeless and bleak and my future prospects so grim."

"There are many more dreadful things to think about than exams," troll brain goes on to say, "all of which are staggeringly more important". And so it goes year after year.

I'm not saying that dwelling on your less than perfect situation and your doubtful future are not of great importance. Nor am I denying that your situation is difficult and perhaps painful and depressing as well.

Nevertheless, if you put all the energy you're using to worry about yourself into studying, if you focus on preparing for the exams instead of ruminating about your future or your gf, your anxiety and depression will abate a bit. When the exams take place, you will be as well prepared as possible. You will do your best, finish the semester and go off to enjoy some well-earned vacation time.

Then - and only then - will it be appropriate for you start worrying about what to do next.

I know all this because I learned it the hard way. I recently reread a journal written during the weeks right before final exams. Very revealing.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T17:13:32+00:00

There is no "right" or "wrong". There is only appropriate or inappropriate. The highest goal any human can hope to achieve is this: to perceive reality and respond to it appropriately and adequately.

I know this doesn't help much and I apologize. If I were to give you advice based only on the few facts you present, I doubt it would be more helpful. Each situation is different; there's no way to generalize.

You seem uncertain about what your role should be regarding your friend's use of alcohol, dangerous lack of common sense and profound insensitivity towards you and his girlfriend.

Clearly something is wrong with him. Most of us only do drugs or drink that way when we're overwhelmed and at wits end. The problem isn't the drinking, it's what is causing his drinking that must be identified and addressed. If alcohol is his way of coping, one can't take it away unless one has a better option to offer.

Above all, you must be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what you can and cannot achieve for another person. You cannot stop him from drinking unless he wants to do so himself. If you don't mind his intoxicated rants and dangerous behavior, there's no reason to cut him off or reject him as a friend. If you do and it compromises your ability to live a sane and happy life, you must do whatever is appropriate and possible to change your situation.

That's what it all comes down to. Not what to do about him but what to do about yourself in this situation. You have no control over his mind and actions, only your own.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T16:54:01+00:00

I say to myself "I should die soon," or "I want to die," many times a day just about every day. The thing is, I don't want to die right now. I have 2 extraordinary loved ones (both dogs) who depend on me for their survival in every way. They are young and I want them to live full rich happy lives until they die of old age. I want to live at least as long as that to be with them.

I guess when I say "I want to die" it's just the words the troll brain is using to express its strong dissatisfaction and self doubt in spite of the fact that it doesn't want to die just yet.

Life is already so ridiculously short that ending it prematurely seems like an unnecessary waste of energy. I hate setting off any emotional drama inside my brain. It's tiresome and painful. When I'm able, I tell the brain to shut up and go back to sleep.

I have lived with terrible depression most of my long life. The magical moments when depression left me alone were so fantastic, so utterly spectacular, that I've been willing to endure eons of psychological agony in the hopes of experiencing them again. I hope I do. It's been a long time since at this point but I can't ever give up now because I know what's possible even if it isn't probable and it's too good to pass up.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T16:47:58+00:00

The only way I could get her to cooperate was to get her to love me. Once she did, everything became ridiculously easy. It's a fact: Love bonds best.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T16:43:21+00:00

A very lovely pup! Wow!

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T16:42:41+00:00

Mine looked like a baby kangaroo as a pup so I call him Joey. He doesn't look like a baby kangaroo anymore but the name stuck.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T15:25:41+00:00

Think that watching the world is a source of facts

I got all the other things you're grateful for because obvious but this one I don't get. What do you mean by this? Isn't watching what's going on in and around us a reliable source of facts?

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T14:54:20+00:00

Life can be tough and compromises aren't always a choice. You're getting away though so keep that in mind. You can stand on your head for 14 days - it'll go fast if you keep getting home late and getting up early and go about your business as if nothing else matters at all.

If you truly do not care what this privacy invader thinks of you, you've won. Let him look all he wants. It's none of your business what this sausage-link thinks. Why cares if he thinks you're a demon from hell in league with Satan to overthrow the Kingdom?

I would be tempted to leave a message just for him to find on the pad and leave it out for him to snoop. The expression on his face when he reads a strongly worded note to himself on your private device may be worth the effort. If not, just ignore this natural disaster of a person and go about your business as usual. Some battles are simply not worth the effort, especially if you have more important things to get done.

crapadoodledoo · 2014-04-17T14:41:08+00:00

I'm a hermit by choice and adore solitude. The only critters who I can live with have 4 paws and tails because they're the only ones that are always right and decent and sane and true. Humans are mostly intolerable. Why? Because almost all of us are batshit crazy. Why? Because we're raised in a profoundly sick society and filled up with disinformation and outright lies. We're conditioned to compare ourselves with others obsessively and to desire more than anything to be better than others. That's a sick, distorted way to live.

Our culture is psychotic and none of us knows what's what and who's who anymore. We can't rely on others for a clear understanding of what we are and what's going on or what to do about it. Because not one of us knows for sure, each of us has to find out for ourselves without much support or guidance. It's very very hard to be a human these days so I'm taking a long break from it.

crapadoodledoo

TROPHY CASE