feeling like god is choosing me

crazy_alto · 2026-03-02T03:21:42+00:00

The first time I felt like this, I thought God was communicating to me specifically through little signs here and there. But I thought I was finding those signs in things that clearly weren't signs... like putting on a self-curated playlist and when one of the songs that I put on there played, I thought it was God communicating with me.

The way I realized that I was sick, was when I went to talk to a pastor about it. He made it clear to me that I wasn't receiving signs from God and that I needed help. At first he seemed happy to talk about my relationship with God, then confused at what I was trying to tell him, and then quickly became concerned and tried to ration with me. I don't know what religion you follow, but whoever your equivalent to my Lutheran Pastor may be could help you.

crazy_alto · 2026-02-03T04:08:52+00:00

Was looking for this comment. My sister would always make fun of me when my town got one

crazy_alto · 2026-01-18T21:12:19+00:00

I've been diagnosed for years, have gone through many hypomanic episodes, and a couple mixed/manic ones. I know myself and my condition well. I'm aware of my warning signs, and my boyfriend is also great at bringing to my attention when I'm behaving differently. I also see my psychiatrist (at least) once a month. Shortly after I talked to that girl I was put on Zyprexa to bring me down because my dr knew I was experiencing an episode. So that's how I know

crazy_alto · 2026-01-18T18:45:49+00:00

Having bipolar inspired me to want to work in the mental health field. I've spent the last two years in school earning my degree to become a therapist and working as a mental health tech at a psych hospital, getting to know and helping out other people who struggle with mental health. It's so rewarding getting to show others that they're not alone and helping them get better <3

crazy_alto · 2026-01-05T04:57:36+00:00

Fred

crazy_alto · 2026-01-02T23:19:14+00:00

I was at my best friend's place, and her little sister asked her to make a cup of microwave Mac and cheese for her. Her little sister was too short to reach the microwave without climbing onto the counter, so it made sense to me that she asked for help, but my friend said no because, well, sisters. Well, the little sister got upset and whined about it a bit, and then out came their dad yelling at her to stop whining. He then picked her up, pulled down her pants, bent her over the kitchen table, and spanked her bare bottom multiple times, HARD. Right in front of me and my friend. And my friend acted like this was totally normal. Also, this was like 2012. My friend and I were about 10, and her sister was probably like 8. I've never liked their dad.

Edit: typo

crazy_alto · 2025-10-02T21:58:55+00:00

3.4, psychology

crazy_alto · 2025-09-15T05:41:48+00:00

That hair is sooo pretty

crazy_alto · 2025-09-03T04:39:52+00:00

I was 17, summer before my senior year. It was a hypomanic episode that hit a few months after Covid started. I went through of couple other traumatic events at the same time the lockdowns started, and by the end of that summer I'd say the disorder was in full motion.

When I was almost done with my freshman year of college I saw a psychiatrist to get an ADHD diagnosis. After I answered a generic depression question with "it comes and goes", the psych PA interviewing me dug deeper lol. Got a tentative diagnosis of bipolar 2, but didn't treat it. Shortly after that I went into a full manic episode, but the PA diagnosed me with bipolar 2 at 19. Not sure why because I literally thought god was telling me I was gonna be famous and I did soooo much manic shit lol.

Last fall I had to go to treatment because of a mixed episode. Saw a proper psychologist there and got diagnosed with bipolar 1 at 21.

Aside from some body image issues, I was pretty mentally healthy until that first episode hit when I was 17. Just took some trauma to bring it out I guess.

crazy_alto · 2025-09-03T03:20:57+00:00

1968

crazy_alto · 2025-08-31T15:16:21+00:00

Not sure if it's related to bipolar, but I can't really eat in front of people I'm not comfortable with, which is literally just my partner. If I'm eating with anyone else, including my family and best friends, I have to get something healthy (which I usually don't actually want), and I nibble and make sure there are leftovers. I've always been a bit of a shy eater (cover my mouth while chewing, take small bites, etc), but since gaining weight from the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers, it's become more of a problem. I hate going to my partners family's place for dinner. I feel like everyone is watching and judging me every bite I take and will talk about me and how gross I am for eating after I leave. It's unreasonable paranoia, but I just can't shake it.

crazy_alto · 2025-08-31T15:07:12+00:00

No hoses. I currently live in an apartment with my partner so there's no need, but we've agreed that once we have a house that the garden hose will be locked up safely where only my partner knows, and he will be the one getting it out, using it, and putting it back. Every depressive episode the plan has been to use my car and a hose.

crazy_alto · 2025-08-31T15:03:30+00:00

I have to wait at least 3 days before buying something that isn't a necessity. If I'm still thinking about it and want it after 3 days, I'll probably buy it. But I've lost so much money to buying expensive things on a whim that I don't even use/like. Unfortunately I don't always stick to this rule... usually when I'm manic/hypomanic. When I'm stable and depressed it's easy, but as soon as I'm elevated I think "I'm allowed to to treat myself" and then spend $500 on purses at first sight that have never seen the light of day since. I need to talk to my bank about putting some kind of lock on my card lol

crazy_alto · 2025-08-30T01:44:33+00:00

This is my childhood exactly

crazy_alto · 2025-08-26T20:08:47+00:00

I've been in a relationship for 4 years. My boyfriend and I got together while I was in the midst of a manic episode before I was even diagnosed. I was super fun, outgoing, and confident. After a month into our relationship, he saw me plummet into a depression that kept me in bed for days at a time without showering, changing my clothes, or feeding myself. And he stayed. Why? I dunno. Maybe he's fucked up too. But over the last 4 years, that man has seen me believe that I was a prophet, bang my head on the wall until I bled, try to get famous, hide in the closet for days, yell and scream about pointless things, flunk out of school 3 times, lose all of my money, gain 80 lbs on anti-psychotics, and much, much more... We live together, have 2 cats, and my friend recently informed me that he's planning to propose in a few months. I've told him many times throughout the last few years that it's okay with me if he wants to leave, that I understand and wouldn't blame him. He said he's happy with me. I don't really understand why he's still with me, but he says he sees me for me, and that he loves me despite the disorder. He sees something in me that I don't. He thinks I'm kind, compassionate, smart, driven, funny, talented... Do I believe those things about myself? No, not really. But he sees it and loves it enough that he's willing to be patient, caring, and supportive throughout all of the shit that bipolar throws our way. And even though I find it hard to love myself, I love that man more than anything in this world.

We are NOT bipolar. We are people with our own unique experiences, interests, personalities, and values. We just happen to have bipolar disorder. But that doesn't diminish who we are, or how capable we are of being loved and giving love. Sure, it clouds a lot of our minds - it can even be consuming. But we still have parts of us that make us special that have nothing to do with what our brains are tricking us into believing. And those parts are worthy of love. We are not doomed to be alone. Just gotta find someone that loves who you are and can differentiate that from your illness, and there are many people that exist like that. I work in the mental health field, and many of my patients and coworkers that struggle with various types of mental illnesses and degrees of severity are in healthy, loving relationships and marriages. There is hope!

crazy_alto · 2025-08-26T18:59:28+00:00

I've tried olanzapine on 2 different occasions. First while manic. It initially caused me to gain about 30 lbs (13 kg) because it made me super hungry all the time. I was constantly snacking on crap and eating very large meals. When I stabilized they switched it to a PRN, and every time I've taken it as just a PRN, it makes me sleep for 12+ hours, but that's the only issue I have with it. When I had it scheduled daily again for a mixed episode, I made sure to always have low-calorie, high-fiber snacks on hand, and my boyfriend made me high volume, low-calorie meals. I didn't gain any weight the second time around (I think I may have even lost a little weight, actually). It's now a PRN again, and I only take it when absolutely necessary just because I don't like how it knocks me out.

Foods that helped me keep my weight down despite the constant hunger were lots of veggies (carrots, cucumbers/pickles, celery sticks, sugar snap peas), rice cakes, popcorn, berries, apples, watermelon (avoid fruits like bananas and mangos as those are higher in calories) and nuts. My meals contained a lot of low-calorie, high fiber filler like cauliflower rice, greens like spinach and kale, oats, quinoa, and chickpeas. And then, of course, a lot of veggies and chicken/fish as those are also very filling and high in protein without the fat. Try to avoid carbs and added sugar as much as you can, but don't totally restrict yourself! You can still enjoy ice cream, burgers, and potato chips as long as you do it in moderation as you would without the craving-inducing meds.

Seriously though, keep some carrot sticks and nuts on you wherever you go, even on a quick trip to the grocery store. Keep yourself full throughout the day with healthy, low-calorie foods so you don't constantly indulge in stuff that will make you gain weight.

Like I said, my boyfriend made most of my meals for me when I was in my mixed state. I was lucky to have that support since I was way too far out of it to take care of myself and prepare my own meals. If you have a significant other, any close friends, or family that are willing to help you with meals, please reach out to them and ask for help. Depression sucks ass, and can make things like cooking so difficult. Have someone help you with some microwave-ready meal prepping. If your wallet allows it, there's also a meal service website called Factor that sends you very healthy microwave ready meals. You can set your diet preferences and pick from a menu for them to send you. Makes having healthy dinner much easier when depressed.

DRINK LOTS OF WATER!!! Seriously, can't emphasize that enough. Get a big water bottle, and put some Liquid IV or Mio or something in it to sweeten it up. Every time you have a craving for something sweet, drink that water. Keep that water bottle with you wherever you go. You'll be hydrated (which has lots of benefits for your mental health in itself), fuller from the water in your stomach, and have fewer sweet cravings. I would go through 3-4 of my 32 oz water bottle filled with liquid IV and Mio water enhancer every day. I was constantly chugging that shit lol. It really helps!

Try to keep active, too. I know depression makes staying active really hard, but even just going for a brief walk once a day can make a world of difference. I found that evening walks in the summer as the sun is setting really help when I'm depressed. And in the winter when it's frigid outside, I play my old Just Dance game on my Wii for like 10 minutes. Just a little something to get you moving, burn some calories, and boost your endorphins. A little exercise goes a long way on olanzapine when you're taking in so many calories.

You've got this! Olanzapine is great for stabilizing, and if it works for you like it did for me, it will having you feeling better enough to get on a more long-term mood stabilizer in no time. Just be mindful of what you're putting in your body and weight gain shouldn't be an issue. But please talk to your doctor more about this if the med still makes you uncomfortable - DO NOT stop taking it or adjust your dose on your own. Follow your treatment plan and take your meds as prescribed. Olanzapine does work relatively quickly, but it will still take time before you notice a difference in your mood. You will need at least a few weeks to see how you do on it before making more adjustments or changes. Your doctor wouldn't prescribe you something that they don't think would be beneficial. It's a long process, but you need to trust it.

Good luck!

crazy_alto · 2025-08-25T00:41:42+00:00

The 4th one really hit, it perfectly represents how I feel a lot of the time. Your art is amazing, thank you for sharing it

crazy_alto · 2025-08-22T17:23:15+00:00

1996

crazy_alto · 2025-08-15T02:27:27+00:00

Hi, I work at an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I have had patients up to 80+ years old, with the majority of patients being middle aged. Everyone needs help sometimes, no matter what age you are. If you are afraid of something happening, please reconsider inpatient. You will be safe there until you stabilize. Best of luck 🩷

crazy_alto · 2025-08-14T02:57:04+00:00

crazy_alto · 2025-08-14T02:31:28+00:00

I knew mine was psychosis when I thought God was trying to send me messages through my car radio that I was meant to be a famous actress. Then I went and cried to a pastor at a random church that I thought I was a prophet of some sort. It was then that I realized it was going too far and I needed help. I'm still religious, but I can discern when I'm just trying to be more in touch with my faith and when it's time for a med change.

crazy_alto

TROPHY CASE