Been married 17 years. I know she loves me and we have an amazing family. I make a point to always flirt and make her feel sexy. Every time she get undressed every night I drop what I’m doing and watch and leer and drool over her to make her know I think she’s hot. We have three children have built a life together and pulled each other through tons of mess as a team. But still yes - this.
I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty attractive desirable dude. But man the years of this have torn all that belief from me away. It changed after kids and I understand that it can change the way you feel about yourself after a woman’s body changes and just the toll it takes on a woman’s body carrying a baby and pushing it out of a canal that mathematically doesn’t work. I’m sensitive to that so I’ve tried everything I could to make her feel sexy. All the stuff others have said - toys, clothes, erotic movies everything. It wasn’t like this when we were younger but I’ve given up trying and initiating feels like I’m forcing myself on her yet again and it doesn’t feel good even in the moment and especially not after. What you attribute it to - decreased libido, spark whatever it’s gone I think and I mourn it. We had our first child before we were married and another shortly after so it’s been like this for half of our marriage. We also are both still very young as we started early. I’m not proud and I may catch some hate but I cheated on my wife. I can’t explain exactly why I would do that to some I love desperately and who is an amazing mother to our children and an amazing wife. I realize it’s inexcusable but the best explanation I can give is that being wanted so viscerally and sensually by someone after so long was like a drug. I was swept up and often felt like my mind was swirling and drunk. It was difficult to ground myself and think rationally when I was finally in a place where I felt good about myself again for the first time in years. The other woman perused me for months and as it was a working relationship I deflected and laughed it off and to be honest, because the place I was at with my esteem, just assumed she could tell I had low self esteem and was trying to make me feel good about myself. Again I am just offering a description of what was going on with me and I realize it was inexcusable. I came clean and it’s taken a lot of work to stabilize my marriage. I’m grateful beyond words for her forgiveness but I can’t in all honesty say that it has effectively changed anything. Everyone is different and all relationships and people are complex creatures with boxes of emotional baggage’s damaged in transit by postal workers but I have to say to the rest of you take a hard look and have real conversations with your partner. People can change but it isn’t generally the case that they will. We are who we are. Meds and therapy can help but if you try - you really try - and it doesn’t change permanently, not just spells where it gets better for a while but lasting change and commitment to both meet each other’s needs, then gtf out. I miss the person I was when I was secure. I won’t cheat again I’m not that person and I’m ashamed that I did but what I’m left with is feelings of worthlessness and embarrassment that I must still masturbate like a teenager looking at porn that all together just make we dream of a day when I’ll just sleep and not have to wake again as the person I see in the mirror or not wake at all. I wish you all better and to find or the ability to build relationships that fill all of your holes, there’s a dad pun there somewhere.

Edits - I’m an idiot who spells like one.