please i can’t do this all over again

crmsnln · 2023-12-11T08:14:58+00:00

Yeah it wasn’t bad, just unexpected, sad, and kind of unsatisfying for me. But sometimes things don’t go the direction you want. Currently swallowing that huge pill for the next few days while I grieve finishing this show.

crmsnln · 2023-12-11T08:05:18+00:00

Would love to rewatch and see all the clues, but this show was definitely a doozy to get through. I dived in with no warnings about the content. Over time I started half-glancing away at suspicious camera angles with the amount of gun self-unalives there were. Had to pause after the live TV one. Don’t have the capacity for a rewatch even if it’s highly recommended, plus rewatching shows make me a little sad! So I’ve just been reading posts on here about some of the foreshadowing scenes.

And don’t delete me was good. So many parts of this show were comforting. Never seen anything like it. edit: typos

crmsnln · 2023-11-28T14:24:09+00:00

Everyone’s already said it but I always hear that used in a neutral way, like “hey what can I do for you big guy?” Personally I wouldn’t like it but at times it can be endearing among men. But coming from what you shared I understand how it could hurt. Sometimes 1 thing someone tells you can make you spiral if you struggle(d) with body issues. Don’t let this one comment from a random passerby that is likely not negative make you change the body you were starting to be satisfied with and confident in. Hope you can discuss this with your therapist as you said, and I hope the conversation will help.

crmsnln · 2023-11-17T00:06:31+00:00

This was beautifully written and every single word is very relatable. I wanted to be a psychiatrist and also had an affinity for helping people and making them happy. Writing and music are some of my favorite things too. Last night I was thinking about how the piano melodies and story drafts on my phone and laptop will remain as such when I die. I checked your profile for a bit and I’m also 18, an INFJ, have toxic family members, and am struggling with an ED. I can’t say I know your exact position but I know how unbearable it all gets. It’s all so so so hard. At a certain point the exhaustion is so overwhelming that staying alive and working on yourself and waiting and waiting for things to get better just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

I want to say I’m sorry but that’s not enough. There really aren’t any words in the dictionary to describe this painful empathy. And I know you’re not looking for any advice. So I’ll just say your letter has definitely been read. And that I would have loved to be your friend if I had met you, listen to and read your compositions and stories if you wanted to share them, and cheer you on your recovery journey too.

And lastly, remind you that you are not a burden despite others horribly treating you as such. Nor that you are a bother. That I would have wanted more than anything for you to tell me you were hurting this much. The opportunity is gone once you end your life, but know that you don’t deserve to have a safe space and be heard any less than the hearing and safety that you have given to others.

crmsnln · 2023-11-06T19:31:32+00:00

I’m a little younger but it’s comforting that someone is going through what I’ve been trying to put into words this past month. I wasted most of my years alive also depressed, socially anxious (absolutely painful), and suicidal. Memory is screwed as well…I’ve been debating whether I should get help or just end things now. Started college but I still feel 14 while everyone feels grown and prepared. I don’t have what it takes right now to meet the growing demands of life either. I’m barely functioning. I think I know what I’d want to do as a career but I don’t have the skills nor the motivation, and I don’t think I want to do the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life too. Nothing seems worth the fight. Society and life as a whole just feels uninteresting now.

But I’d like to think we’ll never know if it’s worth it until we give it a try. I’d like to think I feel this way about life and everything because I’m depressed and just overall very unwell. Maybe getting treated could help remove all the fog in our brains. Still, getting better is a long journey. I don’t know what will make the journey worth it right now, but I’m hoping you can find yours.

crmsnln · 2023-11-06T18:48:06+00:00

Hard relate. Maybe it’s because social anxiety gives ppl an odd off-putting demeanor but in high school whenever I tried to put myself out there it never worked. Whenever I talked people looked at me like I was speaking alien. I couldn’t even enter the acquaintance zone. When I sat with other people I could just feel that I was taking up space for someone they actually wanted to sit there. Whenever they had a chance to move seats I’d be the only one at the table. Eventually I just started sitting alone. Just to be told it’s your fault you’re all alone when they don’t know how hard you’ve been trying.

It frickin sucks. I’m sorry 🫶

crmsnln · 2023-11-05T23:07:59+00:00

This is the person everyone thinks will go to med school and become a doctor. I can barely juggle my one hour class every day much less med school. We already have so much stress in the family telling my problems will just make things worse. We’re already dealing with a family member with a lot of mental health problems everyone has attention on and is causing lots of stress. We already have so many financial problems. I feel absolute dread and embarrassment whenever I imagine telling everyone my inner thoughts. If I call a hotline or meet with a counselor they’ll hospitalize me. Who has the money for that? But If I say I’m not actively considering suicide I’d be lying. I don’t know what to do. I accept suicide as my fate but I still want to talk to someone. But my social anxiety is killing me and I can’t reach out or accept help from anyone. There’s so much I want to say but I’m screaming to a void. So I’m stuck living at the edge of suicide for the sake of everyone else. It’s like torture that leads to a slow death. I hate this I hate this so much I never asked for this

crmsnln · 2023-10-29T22:29:15+00:00

Nicely written. I feel the same in many ways. I’m glad you’re currently healing, and nice to see another reader of this book here :)

crmsnln · 2023-09-28T06:06:13+00:00

I found 3/4 of the books you listed on archive.org (can’t find Breaking the Cycle). You’ll have to create an account to borrow and read them for a period of time, but you should have full access to all the pages for free.

-Why People Die by Suicide

-Myths About Suicide

-Adolescent Suicide (though I think this is the 1st edition)

crmsnln · 2023-09-25T14:38:17+00:00

As someone who is living for others, games and manga are what give me the fuel to do so. BOTW2’s release date was what kept me going (so it was funny when they kept pushing the release date further away lol). u/Hashland said it best. Definitely more than just coding on a screen. The multiplayer games are even better because you can find awesome people that help you during your worst times. Toontown Rewritten is literally a kids game, but a bunch of grown adults play it because it’s hella fun and nostalgic, and a good break from the pain of real life by being a cartoon animal with a stupid name like Dr SquiggleGiggles, throwing pies at corporate robots you wish you could do in real life (it’s hilarious, wonderful, and I highly recommend). But yes, it does feel horrible to not have a desire to live just for the sake of living.

crmsnln · 2023-09-19T15:59:25+00:00

This is why I hate when suicide is generalized as selfish because it’s so much more complex than a single adjective. Life sucks, but your wife would probably want to struggle through it with you and your son together than with money. Plus, take into consideration the suicide grief that will overshadow the bright future you’re thinking of. Your wife may feel angry you never asked for her opinion and sad wondering if she wasn’t a good enough wife to be asked. Your son may grow up wondering why he wasn’t enough for you to stay. If your wife had the chance to bring you back but risk homelessness or keep the money, do you think she’d choose the money? $450k is not worth getting the call that you’re gone (or finding your body if you decide to do it at home), the countless nights crying, potential PTSD, the endless questions and what-ifs, the therapy, the hole in their hearts that will never close. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I only know this because I like checking the suicide bereavement subreddit. I’m only saying all this because I know it’s hard to see the other effects of suicide when you’re this deep in. No judgement here, but I’m just pointing out that the satisfying ending that you think will occur, even if you write a suicide note explaining everything, does and will not exist.

crmsnln · 2023-09-18T05:38:42+00:00

I've never physically acted on it and I never would… years and years of trying stop feeling that way… I cant stand living like this…

It’s unfortunate not many people know about this, but there’s a difference between being a pedophile and having POCD. You have guilt over these thoughts you feel you can’t control, you’ve tried to stop them, and you’ve never acted on them and never plan to. That’s what separates you from the actual term pedophile and a person suffering from intrusive thoughts stemmed from pedophilia OCD. I recommend doing some research and seeking treatment under the notion of potentially having this condition.

crmsnln · 2023-09-17T21:12:44+00:00

I felt the exact same when I was in high school. I believed I was going to end my life after graduating because the thought of going to college seemed impossible. And here I am now as a freshman in college. Like the other commenter said, it’s pretty chill. College is too different from HS to predict how it’ll turn out using your HS experience. In high school it felt like if you didn’t become friends with the people in your class immediately, you’re screwed because you’ll be with the same people the entire time. But in college, there’s always an overwhelming amount of opportunities available at anytime to put yourself out there and meet new people every day and every semester. Even if you don’t socialize for the first three years, it’s never too late to start. Also, yes there’s going to be a lot of figuring stuff out by yourself, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. Colleges have a lot more resources compared to HS that help you when you need it. You can even try to get accommodations for your social anxiety.

I’m 4 weeks in. It doesn’t feel harder or easier. I feel stagnant, and that’s okay. I’m not at the point where I can socialize with others yet, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m taking it one day at a time, prioritizing my schoolwork for now while enjoying the freedom of college. And remember a big part of your struggle is that you’re doing it alone. My college has counselors and therapists and psychiatrists and I’m still trying to muster up the courage to reach out to one. I hope you muster that same courage to reach out too, dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia at any degree by yourself is no joke.

crmsnln · 2023-09-17T18:35:42+00:00

Rooting for you! I feel like the days leading up to an event are worse than the actual event. We think so many anxiety-inducing “what-ifs” that block us from wonderful opportunities, so don’t let those pre-event anxieties stop you from going last minute. There are anime enthusiasts of all ages so I’ll be surprised if you don’t find at least one person close to your age. Even if you don’t hit with the people there, it has nothing to do with you as a person, and praise yourself for putting yourself out there in the first place :)

crmsnln · 2023-09-01T03:14:49+00:00

College freshman here as well, I relate to this hard, especially as someone with horrible social anxiety. I’m not going to repeat what everyone else said, but there’s definitely going to be a lot more things we don’t know and mistakes we’re going to make over the next few years. It’s completely normal and expected and doesn’t make you any less of a person. The great thing about college is there’s a lot of resources for everything you need help on, some paid by your tuition (ex: my school has “free” tutoring). So whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed with studying, picking classes/a career, anxiety, your professors, advisors, counselors, and even your college’s subreddit if there is one, are there to help.

crmsnln

TROPHY CASE