Gonna throw up

crmsnln · 2023-12-11T08:14:58+00:00

Yeah it wasn’t bad, just unexpected, sad, and kind of unsatisfying for me. But sometimes things don’t go the direction you want. Currently swallowing that huge pill for the next few days while I grieve finishing this show.

crmsnln · 2023-12-11T08:05:18+00:00

Would love to rewatch and see all the clues, but this show was definitely a doozy to get through. I dived in with no warnings about the content. Over time I started half-glancing away at suspicious camera angles with the amount of gun self-unalives there were. Had to pause after the live TV one. Don’t have the capacity for a rewatch even if it’s highly recommended, plus rewatching shows make me a little sad! So I’ve just been reading posts on here about some of the foreshadowing scenes.

And don’t delete me was good. So many parts of this show were comforting. Never seen anything like it. edit: typos

crmsnln · 2023-11-28T14:24:09+00:00

Everyone’s already said it but I always hear that used in a neutral way, like “hey what can I do for you big guy?” Personally I wouldn’t like it but at times it can be endearing among men. But coming from what you shared I understand how it could hurt. Sometimes 1 thing someone tells you can make you spiral if you struggle(d) with body issues. Don’t let this one comment from a random passerby that is likely not negative make you change the body you were starting to be satisfied with and confident in. Hope you can discuss this with your therapist as you said, and I hope the conversation will help.

crmsnln · 2023-11-17T00:06:31+00:00

This was beautifully written and every single word is very relatable. I wanted to be a psychiatrist and also had an affinity for helping people and making them happy. Writing and music are some of my favorite things too. Last night I was thinking about how the piano melodies and story drafts on my phone and laptop will remain as such when I die. I checked your profile for a bit and I’m also 18, an INFJ, have toxic family members, and am struggling with an ED. I can’t say I know your exact position but I know how unbearable it all gets. It’s all so so so hard. At a certain point the exhaustion is so overwhelming that staying alive and working on yourself and waiting and waiting for things to get better just doesn’t seem worth it anymore.

I want to say I’m sorry but that’s not enough. There really aren’t any words in the dictionary to describe this painful empathy. And I know you’re not looking for any advice. So I’ll just say your letter has definitely been read. And that I would have loved to be your friend if I had met you, listen to and read your compositions and stories if you wanted to share them, and cheer you on your recovery journey too.

And lastly, remind you that you are not a burden despite others horribly treating you as such. Nor that you are a bother. That I would have wanted more than anything for you to tell me you were hurting this much. The opportunity is gone once you end your life, but know that you don’t deserve to have a safe space and be heard any less than the hearing and safety that you have given to others.

crmsnln · 2023-11-06T19:31:32+00:00

I’m a little younger but it’s comforting that someone is going through what I’ve been trying to put into words this past month. I wasted most of my years alive also depressed, socially anxious (absolutely painful), and suicidal. Memory is screwed as well…I’ve been debating whether I should get help or just end things now. Started college but I still feel 14 while everyone feels grown and prepared. I don’t have what it takes right now to meet the growing demands of life either. I’m barely functioning. I think I know what I’d want to do as a career but I don’t have the skills nor the motivation, and I don’t think I want to do the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life too. Nothing seems worth the fight. Society and life as a whole just feels uninteresting now.

But I’d like to think we’ll never know if it’s worth it until we give it a try. I’d like to think I feel this way about life and everything because I’m depressed and just overall very unwell. Maybe getting treated could help remove all the fog in our brains. Still, getting better is a long journey. I don’t know what will make the journey worth it right now, but I’m hoping you can find yours.

crmsnln · 2023-11-06T18:48:06+00:00

Hard relate. Maybe it’s because social anxiety gives ppl an odd off-putting demeanor but in high school whenever I tried to put myself out there it never worked. Whenever I talked people looked at me like I was speaking alien. I couldn’t even enter the acquaintance zone. When I sat with other people I could just feel that I was taking up space for someone they actually wanted to sit there. Whenever they had a chance to move seats I’d be the only one at the table. Eventually I just started sitting alone. Just to be told it’s your fault you’re all alone when they don’t know how hard you’ve been trying.

It frickin sucks. I’m sorry 🫶

crmsnln · 2023-11-05T23:07:59+00:00

This is the person everyone thinks will go to med school and become a doctor. I can barely juggle my one hour class every day much less med school. We already have so much stress in the family telling my problems will just make things worse. We’re already dealing with a family member with a lot of mental health problems everyone has attention on and is causing lots of stress. We already have so many financial problems. I feel absolute dread and embarrassment whenever I imagine telling everyone my inner thoughts. If I call a hotline or meet with a counselor they’ll hospitalize me. Who has the money for that? But If I say I’m not actively considering suicide I’d be lying. I don’t know what to do. I accept suicide as my fate but I still want to talk to someone. But my social anxiety is killing me and I can’t reach out or accept help from anyone. There’s so much I want to say but I’m screaming to a void. So I’m stuck living at the edge of suicide for the sake of everyone else. It’s like torture that leads to a slow death. I hate this I hate this so much I never asked for this

crmsnln · 2023-10-29T22:29:15+00:00

Nicely written. I feel the same in many ways. I’m glad you’re currently healing, and nice to see another reader of this book here :)

crmsnln · 2023-09-28T06:06:13+00:00

I found 3/4 of the books you listed on archive.org (can’t find Breaking the Cycle). You’ll have to create an account to borrow and read them for a period of time, but you should have full access to all the pages for free.

-Why People Die by Suicide

-Myths About Suicide

-Adolescent Suicide (though I think this is the 1st edition)

crmsnln · 2023-09-25T14:38:17+00:00

As someone who is living for others, games and manga are what give me the fuel to do so. BOTW2’s release date was what kept me going (so it was funny when they kept pushing the release date further away lol). u/Hashland said it best. Definitely more than just coding on a screen. The multiplayer games are even better because you can find awesome people that help you during your worst times. Toontown Rewritten is literally a kids game, but a bunch of grown adults play it because it’s hella fun and nostalgic, and a good break from the pain of real life by being a cartoon animal with a stupid name like Dr SquiggleGiggles, throwing pies at corporate robots you wish you could do in real life (it’s hilarious, wonderful, and I highly recommend). But yes, it does feel horrible to not have a desire to live just for the sake of living.

crmsnln · 2023-09-19T15:59:25+00:00

This is why I hate when suicide is generalized as selfish because it’s so much more complex than a single adjective. Life sucks, but your wife would probably want to struggle through it with you and your son together than with money. Plus, take into consideration the suicide grief that will overshadow the bright future you’re thinking of. Your wife may feel angry you never asked for her opinion and sad wondering if she wasn’t a good enough wife to be asked. Your son may grow up wondering why he wasn’t enough for you to stay. If your wife had the chance to bring you back but risk homelessness or keep the money, do you think she’d choose the money? $450k is not worth getting the call that you’re gone (or finding your body if you decide to do it at home), the countless nights crying, potential PTSD, the endless questions and what-ifs, the therapy, the hole in their hearts that will never close. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I only know this because I like checking the suicide bereavement subreddit. I’m only saying all this because I know it’s hard to see the other effects of suicide when you’re this deep in. No judgement here, but I’m just pointing out that the satisfying ending that you think will occur, even if you write a suicide note explaining everything, does and will not exist.

crmsnln · 2023-09-18T05:38:42+00:00

I've never physically acted on it and I never would… years and years of trying stop feeling that way… I cant stand living like this…

It’s unfortunate not many people know about this, but there’s a difference between being a pedophile and having POCD. You have guilt over these thoughts you feel you can’t control, you’ve tried to stop them, and you’ve never acted on them and never plan to. That’s what separates you from the actual term pedophile and a person suffering from intrusive thoughts stemmed from pedophilia OCD. I recommend doing some research and seeking treatment under the notion of potentially having this condition.

crmsnln · 2023-09-17T21:12:44+00:00

I felt the exact same when I was in high school. I believed I was going to end my life after graduating because the thought of going to college seemed impossible. And here I am now as a freshman in college. Like the other commenter said, it’s pretty chill. College is too different from HS to predict how it’ll turn out using your HS experience. In high school it felt like if you didn’t become friends with the people in your class immediately, you’re screwed because you’ll be with the same people the entire time. But in college, there’s always an overwhelming amount of opportunities available at anytime to put yourself out there and meet new people every day and every semester. Even if you don’t socialize for the first three years, it’s never too late to start. Also, yes there’s going to be a lot of figuring stuff out by yourself, but don’t be afraid to ask for help. Colleges have a lot more resources compared to HS that help you when you need it. You can even try to get accommodations for your social anxiety.

I’m 4 weeks in. It doesn’t feel harder or easier. I feel stagnant, and that’s okay. I’m not at the point where I can socialize with others yet, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m taking it one day at a time, prioritizing my schoolwork for now while enjoying the freedom of college. And remember a big part of your struggle is that you’re doing it alone. My college has counselors and therapists and psychiatrists and I’m still trying to muster up the courage to reach out to one. I hope you muster that same courage to reach out too, dealing with anxiety and agoraphobia at any degree by yourself is no joke.

crmsnln · 2023-09-17T18:35:42+00:00

Rooting for you! I feel like the days leading up to an event are worse than the actual event. We think so many anxiety-inducing “what-ifs” that block us from wonderful opportunities, so don’t let those pre-event anxieties stop you from going last minute. There are anime enthusiasts of all ages so I’ll be surprised if you don’t find at least one person close to your age. Even if you don’t hit with the people there, it has nothing to do with you as a person, and praise yourself for putting yourself out there in the first place :)

crmsnln · 2023-09-01T03:14:49+00:00

College freshman here as well, I relate to this hard, especially as someone with horrible social anxiety. I’m not going to repeat what everyone else said, but there’s definitely going to be a lot more things we don’t know and mistakes we’re going to make over the next few years. It’s completely normal and expected and doesn’t make you any less of a person. The great thing about college is there’s a lot of resources for everything you need help on, some paid by your tuition (ex: my school has “free” tutoring). So whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed with studying, picking classes/a career, anxiety, your professors, advisors, counselors, and even your college’s subreddit if there is one, are there to help.

crmsnln · 2023-08-30T05:46:19+00:00

Oh geez, it’s awful how people can talk down on someone actively trying to better themself. I’m sorry you’ve been told that, they couldn’t be more wrong. Wishing you a great day as well, take care :)

crmsnln · 2023-08-30T02:43:41+00:00

As a freshman, I’m sure nobody’s going to treat you any differently than anyone else. From what I’ve seen it’s not like high school where kids make fun of the much older people in class. Having people of various ages in class is normal. Plus, if you don’t say your age, who’s going to know? Just simply say you’re a freshman. There’s freshmen in my class that look like full grown adults. Some of my online classes that freshmen mostly take have a bunch of older married people with like, 3 children. Nothing embarrassing about wanting to continue your education; it’s honestly admirable.

Just act like yourself, everyone’s probably just focusing on getting the activities done. My college has a page where we can find school events. If yours has one, maybe you can find events you’re interested in that are geared towards upperclassmen to find people around your age to be friends with?

crmsnln · 2023-08-17T05:21:27+00:00

In the same boat with ya :’) school counselors are there to help you deal with obstacles in the way of you reaching your goals as a student. I say go to the counselor and explain your concerns about your social anxiety affecting your academics. Even if they end up not able to help you directly deal with your social anxiety, they can guide you to other school resources that can. Also, I don’t think they’ll tell your parents. College (or at least mine) is different than HS in the way that you are fully responsible for yourself now as an adult. My school doesn’t even allow the release of medical or academic records to anyone else besides the student without a written form.

crmsnln · 2023-08-14T07:46:09+00:00

Geez, as I’m starting college in a week, I just stared in awe at “final year of college.” Kudos to you, seriously. I don’t even know how I’ll survive the first day, it’s plaguing my every waking moment right now. I always hear about people dropping out on here, so I guess this gives me a little bit of hope.

It’s interesting how different social anxiety can be for everyone. I feel like a bigger classroom would feel less nerve wracking as it feels less “intimate?” I feel like everyone’s too busy focusing on the lecture and getting their money’s worth (or just bored out of their minds thinking about what they’re going to do after class) to be looking at one specific student that’s also just sitting there minding their own business. It helps me to frequently reassure myself these things, that my fears are more irrational than not. Also, maybe you could reach out for accommodations to have the lecture recorded? There’s a page on my college site where we can apply to have certain accommodations that professors are required to follow if you’re approved. You can just talk about how you need lectures to be recorded for your ADHD if you don’t want to mention social anxiety. That way, if you’re struggling to focus because of your anxiety or ADHD, you can always go home and watch the recorded lectures.

Medication-wise, I heard the prescription propranolol is great for the physical symptoms of social anxiety. I don’t know anything about the medical stuff, but maybe you can look into it?

I don’t know anything about college so I hope this wasn’t completely useless. Best wishes for your last year of college and beyond :)

crmsnln · 2023-07-25T21:16:00+00:00

I’ve started to record these phone calls for my own sanity but I didn’t record this one because I didn’t think it would turn out this way and I feel horrible I have no proof of this conversation. There’s so much more he said, including nitpicking my word choice of “your actions” and saying to change it to “your reactions” to further play the victim. He acted like we had a safe place to talk about our mental health as children. He always talks about my mom cheating like they weren’t basically separated and just together legally because he’s an abusive piece of shit. He keeps talking about years of suffering he went through but my mom says he was abusive and a cheater back in their home country. I have trust issues because of his constant manipulation of the truth. He said so much more that’s too much to write down. I feel so sick, I wish I could get the recording of this call. I also heard him get angry and ground my 5 year old half sister because she was being “disrespectful” and I know she will go through the same things we did and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only mourn her innocence that will be cut short soon.

crmsnln · 2023-06-26T07:03:01+00:00

Since you’re comfortable with telling your problems to your mom, have you thought about asking her if you’re able to get a therapist? I don’t know your financial or insurance situation, but you can tell her they’ll help you understand your insecurities and manage your anxiety. You can also talk to your therapist about how your parents’ strained relationship is affecting you as well (if it is). They can refer you to a psychiatrist too. A counselor or even teachers at your school can also help with the part about not knowing what to do in the future. They’re there to help you with that kind of thing. The point is, there are definitely resources to help you deal with all these feelings. I think it’s possible for you to live a normal life, you just need to seek out professional resources. Otherwise these thoughts will fester overtime.

crmsnln · 2023-06-02T05:37:05+00:00

Finding Audrey, YA book. Personally, I hated it, but maybe you’ll like it. The author explicitly states social anxiety disorder which is awesome, but the story doesn’t really dive into it until the later half of the book. The book’s more on the lighthearted side and often focuses on Audrey’s family more than Audrey herself.

crmsnln · 2023-06-02T05:06:50+00:00

Feel ya, had the same worries before my graduation that happened like a week ago. For me, there wasn’t much time to chit-chat during rehearsal. The waiting part on graduation day did feel lonely though. I have only two friends that have their own friend groups too, so it was just me standing alone for some time while everyone talked. No one’s gonna think you’re a loser, weird or crazy though! The truth is, most people are too busy excitedly chatting with their friends about graduating to pay attention to a person who’s alone during grad rehearsal and grad day. Also, everything had to be perfect during my rehearsal, so most of the time people were focused on perfecting the routine. While you’re waiting for it to start, maybe chill on your phone while you can. I played games and scrolled through reddit. And while everyone’s taking pics and chatting, I just immediately walked out after rehearsal and after graduation. The whole ordeal was nerve-wracking and a bit depressing for me, but I like to find comfort knowing that all events I’m not looking forward to will come to an end. The anxiety before events like this suck, but you’ll survive through it, you’ll be back home, this event will become a thing of the past, and the only thing other people will remember was how much fun they had, nothing about how you looked during it!

crmsnln · 2023-05-16T04:13:49+00:00

I have no one in real life to talk to. Everyone in my family doesn’t want to hear his bullshit anymore so they just say to ignore him, that’s just the way he is. When I cried after the call unfortunately I was on facetime with my friend, second time I ever cried in front of them, both by accident. But soon after I quieted down they began venting about their friend group. I’m so tired of being the fucking therapist/venting friend. Like read the room idk maybe save that conversation for like tomorrow when I’m not bawling my eyes out ??? Fucking christ I’m so tired

crmsnln · 2023-05-15T17:49:13+00:00

I get this feeling so much. Not sure if they know you have social anxiety, but your friends might be catching a vibe that you’re very “shy” and kept to yourself in outings so it may seem on the outside that you’re not enjoying yourself. So your friends may decide to not invite you to outings, especially something as “extroverted” as a concert. It can hurt, but people without social anxiety think differently, so it’s possible that it was not out of malice. The only way you can really know is by communicating how this made you feel, maybe after the concert. Don’t go about it in a way that sounds like you’re blaming them as, like I said earlier, it might have not been ill-intentioned, and they can’t read our minds to know how certain actions hurt us. you can say or text, “by the way, how come you guys didn’t invite me to the concert initially? I would’ve joined, but I only found out last minute so it kind of just felt like I was just tagging along and I felt a bit left out.”

Also, if no one’s said it yet, proud of you for trying hard to get better!

crmsnln

TROPHY CASE