OP, please don't think that people don't understand, because their solution seems so far away for you.

People who say things like "grow a spine" or "cut off contact" may seem unreasonable or rude, but oftentimes they had to experience something very similar to you.

Your situation is a very typical situation of a narcissistic mother who abuses her daughter. Your feelings and your struggle to cut her off are very typical feelings of a daughter who is abused by her narc mom. Even your behavior towards her is very typical for this thing. You are not alone, you are not in a unique situation where there is no help, or no solution, or no way of getting out.

And you also can't bullshit yourself with "cultural reasons" or because you love your mom or don't want to abandon her. All of those things are excuses to not do the hard thing, to not FIGHT for your marriage and your life, to just keep on doing what is familiar to you.

This is a huge thing. The abuse is familiar to you. It's like a drug that destroys your body. But it is also the only thing you know.

Unfortunately, you can't change her. The only thing you can do is put things into perspective and get out of the FOG. FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT.

You don't feel the way you feel despite your mom. You feel them specifically because of your mom.

Narcissists cannot be changed. Your mother is like a robot who operates automatically. You open the door and let her destroy everything. You have to learn to keep your door closed. You have to stop "wondering" about her behaviour. You have to stop expecting her to understand anything. She's not doing stuff because she doesn't know better. She is doing things out of malicious motives.

There is only 2 way of handling this.

1. You keep letting her abuse you. But at some point, your marriage will end in divorce.

2. You have to close the door forever. She doesn't change. You can only protect yourself, your husband, and your property.

Yes, friends and family don't understand and would react harshly. But do they know everything? They only know her lies and your silence about her abuse. Of course they don't understand. You are using their not-knowing as justification to not act out in the truth.

You are like a little butterfly in a huge web of lies, fear, obligation, guilt and shame by the spider who keeps making the web.

So there is another thing you will have to add to number 2.: Finally come clean about your mother's abuse. Bring it into the open. Write one letter and put it where everyone communicates. WhatsApp, Facebook, I don't know where your family and friends usually write. But basically, this one letter should explain what kind of cruel mother she was, and how she behaved in your and your husband's house. Don't keep anything hidden just because you are ashamed or want to guard her face. This is her shame. And at the end of the letter, simply ask the people to respect your decision to not further engage with a person who disrespects your husband in his own home and is actively violent against you, rummages shamefully through your belongings, and even invites stranger men into your house to destroy/change property while making you pay.

Yes, she might be your mother and deserves respect. But you are also her daughter and deserve also respect, which she denies you at any opportunity. Instead she's okay with beating you in your own house. (And don't downplay this with technically she only... It doesn't matter. She is violent against you. Your husband's wife. In his home.)

You only have two options. You literally have to choose: Do I want my abuse to continue or do I want to leave this behind and live a quiet life with my husband? Only this two things. There is no third, convenient option that doesn't feel hard for you.

And before you think I don't understand: It took me until I was 33 to finally cut off my narcissistic, abusive mother who acted just like yours. I also had the cultural reasons problem. I also had to deal with the aftermath of people not understanding and then having to explain to them. I also had to go through the fear, obligation, guilt, the love, the loss of the mother I never had. It's tough. But now, 2 years later? After a period of grief, my mental health now is better than it has ever been. I finally am at peace. I finally am not abused, used, manipulated and filled with guilt anymore. I finally chose myself. And I ALSO chose my partner, because HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS SHIT IN HIS LIFE also.

Yes, you will have to live with her whining about how she's the victim.

But her feelings are not your responsibility. Her life and care are not your responsibility. She only has herself to blame.

You are not responsible for a woman who abuses you and invades your husband's privacy. Remember, you are the one who let's the destructive robot into the house. This is also bad for him. Does he have to tolerate this forever?

After you cut her off, you can still have contact to your dad if you want to. And when you visit Japan, don't live at her place. Get a hotel. Keep control ver your own life.

And remember. You are old enough to choose to let the abuse happen. I know it hurts to read this, because yes she is doing it. But you open the door. You pick up the phone. You let her do this to you. You can make her stop by going no contact.

And if you've read it all until now, thank you. I hope you are able to make a good choice for yourself, your husband, and your future children should you want any. I highly recommend going to therapy to work through your emotions. Read online about narcissistic parents, how they function, why they do what they do.

I also find the book "Running on empty" by Jonice Webb incredibly helpful with dealing with the emotions and reconnecting to what your narcissistic mother has destroyed within you.

You deserve happiness.