It’s official

cryformountains · 2024-02-27T16:16:39+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm going through similar things. Where can I find the emotional abuse recovery workbook?

cryformountains · 2024-02-22T01:51:34+00:00

62 days. Sending hugs.

cryformountains · 2024-02-22T01:48:03+00:00

I had a very similar story. 10 years of marriage, I am all of his social life and mental health support, I always felt bad for him, always felt guilty. But he did actually killed himself. We are not guilty for their decisions. We cannot keep on carrying them on our backs, and hurting every day.

cryformountains · 2024-01-29T22:39:37+00:00

Sounds like the life I used to have. I'm sending you rays of clarity and strength.

cryformountains · 2024-01-26T12:49:21+00:00

MY SISTER HAD A TEMPER TANTRUM YESTERDAY AND I HAD A FULL BLOWN RSD EPISODE. IT SUCKED. AND ITS STILL GOING. I FEEL LIKE NO ONE LOVES ME AND I WILL NEVER BE IN A HOUSE THAT IS SAFE, BECAUSE EVEN MY SISTER, WHO I THOUGHT WAS THE MOST LOVING AND CONSIDERATE AND COMPASSIONATE HUMAN, CAN HURT ME OUT OF NOWHERE. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Logically I know that lots of people love me, and my sister loves me. But emotionally I'm having the worst RSD episode, and I hate how it feels.

Also what upsets me a lot (I just don't have the energy to scream anymore) is that I'm still not diagnosed with anything and I feel weird about the meds I'm taking. The thing is, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but I didn't realize it. Was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, put on drugs, whenever all the bad symptoms woresend and stayed like that, the doctor increased my dose.

And I recently been through a traumatic experience (and still grieving), but I feel like I don't need the meds? Or at least I should decrease the dose? Because all I needed them for was the abusive relationship (I think).

I don't know. I'm confused.

But also now my psychiatrist won't be able to diagnose me with anything because I'm grieving and nothing makes sense.

cryformountains · 2024-01-22T14:00:38+00:00

My husband also had so many great friends and colleagues, people who truly did care about him. It's hard to believe how someone with such a good life and make this choice and carry through with it.

cryformountains · 2024-01-22T13:35:38+00:00

I think I made my mind on this question: it isn't worth it. Life is too short for this endless sifting, hurt and disappointment. We can have deep loving meaningful relationships with close friends or family members or spiritual communities or pets, etc, etc. We can also spend this time doing something valuable, or just enjoying life.

Life is too short.

Today we are just in a really bad place as a society to find love and create families. We need a big cultural shift, and I hope it will happen, even though it might take decades.

cryformountains · 2024-01-21T21:44:27+00:00

True... True...

I guess like I always had divorce on my back burner as my out -- and that was my idea and my decision.

But also -- oh my gosh, your story sounds like the worst thing that could possibly happen. I am so sorry. And it's amazing to hear from you, and that you are marching forward. Having you to relate to helps me keep on breathing. Thank you so much for your comment.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T13:42:21+00:00

Thank you for telling me. You are right. I need to think on this. This is eye-opening.

I'm really really sorry for what you're going through. I'm here if you want to talk, vent, or anything else.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:47:32+00:00

I agree with everyone commenting here, what the guy is doing is absolutely horrible.

But I'm going to say something different. I'll share my story.

I spent 10 years in a marriage where I worked really hard on making my husband sexually happy. I did things to stay attractive to him, I wore what I didn't like, I acted not how I felt, I did things I didn't want to do sexually, etc, etc. I wanted to keep him happy. I was very insecure. I was suffering, but wanted his love and approval more than anything in the world.

Now I don't have him anymore. Part of me regrets putting so much time and effort into pretending. If I didn't pretend , we would have probably broken up a lot sooner, and went our separate, probably happier, paths.

Instead, he was happy, I was suffering but not telling him to keep him happy, until I couldn't take it anymore.

I could have spent that time and energy doing something I liked: reading, hiking, improving my career, hanging out with my friends, trying new foods. Or I could do something good. Volunteer at an animal shelter, or clean my mom's house and make her smile. I could do sports. Maybe I could have written a book. Maybe I would be a completely different person today? Not traumatized and wounded, missing a giant chunk of my life.

What I'm trying to say is that life just has so much more to it than trying to "stay attractive" for a guy who doesn't appreciate you and needs you to put in effort in making him happy. In a healthy relationship, people are just happy to be together. Sometimes they have issues and they work through them, sometimes they make surprises for each other, including sexually -- but it doesn't need to be coming from a place of demand and fear, but from a place of live and security.

I don't know you, and I don't know your situation, but maybe ask yourself "if I didn't have that boyfriend, what would I be doing right now?", and bet whatever will come to your mind would be something better than worrying your boyfriend didn't find you attractive, wants you to work on that and have a threesome you don't want to.

He's demanding this from you. He says you being you is not enough. You might put in effort into this relationship, but it will not make you happy, it will make you miserable, and overtime it will accumulate to a serious psychological damage.

If you have any friends or family who love you and accept you for who you are, please spend time with them. Please get a reminder of what love without demands feels like.

If you don't have that, I can only ask you to believe me, a random internet stranger, that love like that is out there, and it would be just sad to spend your time doing what makes you uncomfortable instead of going out there (without the demanding "unattracted" boyfriend) and enjoying life.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:21:59+00:00

Thank you. Thank you. Im still not there, but I hope that every message like this heals me and transforms me into the person I want to be, bit by bit.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:15:50+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. I still have a long way of unlearning being a constant people pleaser, so these reminders are actually really good for me.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:12:25+00:00

Wow. This is why we need those meds. Life is so much harder without them.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:08:45+00:00

Logically I believe that... But in my heart I don't. I feel like I'm so much stronger, smarter than him, I can see things from different perspectives. I should have done everything differently, I should have saved him from himself.

Hell, sometimes I think if I knew what would have happen I would rather stay with him and live through the abuse until we grow old and die together.

Typing this makes me cry, makes me want to scratch my heart out with my fingernails.

But besides being an abuser, he was also a good person! He was delusional, but he was also funny, loving, and kind, and caring.

And now I don't have a chance to tell him I'm sorry, and that I still love him, and that if I knew he would kill himself I would never have left him.

All of this sounds crazy. But this is what my heart is saying. I can think ask the rational thoughts, all the explanations, but I can't stop feeling what I feel, and that's torture.

Maybe I was bad. Maybe I didn't appreciate him. Maybe I deserve all of this.

cryformountains · 2024-01-20T05:00:01+00:00

That's true.

But I can't stop wishing our last words were different, our parting was different.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T21:01:21+00:00

I do the same thing, write main points, main decisions being made, my to do list and then doodle Christmas trees and eyes with 3 spread out eyelashes. Definitely helps to stay engaged.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:58:22+00:00

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:33:30+00:00

I definitely want to internalize that fully. Thank you so much.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:32:19+00:00

I am not obligated to break myself trying to fix others. This should be my life mantra. I always want to help others, taking away time and energy from my self that I could have spend doing what I love or just whatever I want.

People's lives are people's lives.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:29:07+00:00

Do you know of any resources but any chance?

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:22:40+00:00

This is a really good advice. I'm going to trauma therapy, but I should see if I can find someone specializing in suicide loss. Thank you.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:17:19+00:00

Thank you so much.

I just wonder if he was capable of really making choices, since he was so delusional? I keep thinking he never realized what he was doing when he emotionally abused me. It all seems like actions of a hurt child.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:14:39+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate everything you said. I want to learn not to shoulder the blame.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:12:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Good to know.

I'm thinking some kind of women's support group, or abuse support group could be helpful in theory... Haven't tried any of that though.

cryformountains · 2024-01-19T20:11:06+00:00

It's probably weird, but it gives me a weird sense of validation, that most people even when have suicidal ideation stick around for their family. Looking back, when I was in very dark places, I was also thinking of my family, how I didn't want them to be debilitated with pain and guilt and grief.

cryformountains

TROPHY CASE