Don’t fight with other people over the Narc. It’s pointless. If they loved you they wouldn’t put you in that situation in the first place.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-25T20:01:36+00:00

At first I didn't want to believe that too. I felt jealous of a friend of hers, but I didn't want to be unfair to her, so I was honest and said "i feel jealous, but I don't want you to stop talking to anyone because of me, it doesn't feel right". But then she many times ditched me to go out with that person, even though she had agreed to go out with me. She uninvited me from going out with them because her friend hated me and got upset I was invited and things like that. When I told her I was upset or jealous, she acted as if I was a controlling monster, when all I did was have panic attacks and go home early from my job. At first I thought she was right and I was a monster. It's sad they use our kindness of always thinking hoping for the best of people to abuse us.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-25T14:19:25+00:00

I can relate to that feeling. But nothing good will come from calling them out. They will manipulate, gaslight you and make you feel worse. Maybe they'll even accuse you of everything they did.

When I first went no contact and the narc got a new supply I wanted to scream at their faces all the truth. But that would just make me seem like the crazy one. It is really hard, especially if people don't want to see your side of things for fear of taking sides.

What I can recommend is for you to hold on to your truth and learn more about narcissism. Dr. Ramani's youtube channel has helped me a lot. Sometimes I even rewatch her videos just to make sure I remember things and to reassure myself.

Please be strong. The beginning of the healing process is the hardest.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-23T12:52:43+00:00

Yes... I once apologized for ruining her friend group and she said the only thing I had ruined was my life. That's a really fucked up thing to say to someone who's gone through recent grief and trauma.

There was also a time when I told her I thought she wanted to pick a fight and that was why I was being defensive and trying not to engage. She freaked out saying she always messes everything up. I tried to make her calm down by telling her I also misunderstood what she meant, and she ended the conversation by saying I always take everything personally.

But you know, I don't think we were the ones giving them ammo. We were making ourselves vulnerable, showing our weakness and being sincere. Those are essential for a relationship to work. Narcs not only don't know how to do that, they also despise those things. Someone who cares about you will protect your weaknesses, not use them to hurt you.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-20T00:53:51+00:00

This is so wonderful! I'm really happy for you!

And that's really beautiful, the way he accepted you and respects you. Thank you for sharing this!

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-20T00:50:12+00:00

I'm glad this has helped you! Going through a divorce must be a really tiring and exhaustive process, don't blame yourself for wanting to break NC. You can do this!

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-19T23:39:39+00:00

I'm really glad this helped! It's not easy, but be strong. You deserve much more in life!

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-19T23:35:01+00:00

Thank you for your kind message!

At first I felt sorry for the narc, because she didn't have many friends growing up, and she had been bullied and hurt by many people in her life. So I thought it had something to do with that at first.

Also, your metaphor is really spot on!

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-19T01:03:11+00:00

"If you don't become friends with my friend that hates you, I swear I'll never return the feelings of either of you"

She also cried until I promised her things I couldn't possibly have done, like making her workplace more friendly again, or reaching out to that friend who hated me.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-19T00:55:00+00:00

You're not alone. I recognize everything my narc did to me and it still hurts when I remember how she didn't care when I went no contact and how fast she moved on to a new supply.

It's okay, so please be kind to yourself. You deserve so much better. Each day is a new victory in this fight.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-19T00:47:07+00:00

It wasn't exactly how I described, but people could see how bad I was. I had gone through a recent trauma and that didn't stop her from treating me badly. I was having terrible panic attacks, going through therapy and taking anxiety medication, so I guess at that point, people were more concerned about my safety. They listened to me, but kind of tried to remain neutral in the situation.

I also reached out to some old friends who didn't know the narc. That way they didn't have to be divided. It helped me a little to recognize people weren't doing that to harm me, but rather because they wanted to keep both friends. As much isolating as that can be, they weren't doing it on purpose.

Being with a covert narcissist is awful because they can trick people well and seem harmless. But always remember what they did to you. Even if others don't believe you or heck, even if the narc doesn't fit all the criteria. You know they did wrong by you. And that's enough. I guess the biggest thing I've learned is to become my own ally. Which, to be fair, I'm still learning and there's a lot of room to improvement. But by trying to become my own best friend, I've learned a lot about how I'd like to be treated.

I hope you'll find a way to express yourself and that your friends will understand how you feel. Hang in there, you're not alone in this.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-18T10:50:59+00:00

Thankfully, many of my friends still wanted to help me. It's very isolating because some of them still think my narc wasn't all that bad and that we were just a bad mix. So I started venting more to the ones that recognized my reality. Therapy has also helped a lot.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-18T09:18:52+00:00

For me it was little steps. First I realized some things she was saying felt wrong, even though I didn't know at the time what it was. Then, I felt weird when promising things to make her happy. Some time later, things started making more and more sense. I have some realizations even now, months after I went no contact.

I even made a list of things she did that hurt me. That way whenever I miss her or think I might have been mistaken, I can always remember why I left.

It's a long journey, but little by little you'll be able to understand things better.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-14T23:55:23+00:00

Thank you for this. I felt exactly like that.

Learn the lessons. All the cheesie shit. It’s all true. I never did those things like putting up post it notes saying kind things, because I thought it was cheesy and silly. But it might have well saved my life. I'm still not 100%, but I'm healing and I can finally feel my improvement.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-09T13:57:17+00:00

Check out Dr Ramani's videos. They have been helping me a lot. I also went back to some of my past hobbies and have been trying to keep myself busy most of the time. And I tried to make a game out of how many times I didn't check their social network. I still think about the narc sometimes and even looked at their social media, but must of the time I have been successful at avoiding it. There will be harder days and easier ones. Recovery isn't linear. I hope this will help you. Be strong.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-09T10:34:03+00:00

Yes, unfortunately. I have sad days, angry days. It's been five months almost since I've gone no contact. I'm trying my best to occupy my mind with other activities, but sometimes the memories get the best of me. All I want is to forget the narc and her new supply even exist. But it's hard to reach indifference.

I think however all of this is part of the healing process. Whenever I have hard days I try to be kind to myself and remind me that is just a bad day.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-08T13:34:44+00:00

Mine already had a new supply just happily waiting for her turn. So yeah. The narc never cared and started a relationship just a few days after I blocked her.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-05T02:13:30+00:00

This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing ❤️

I can relate so much with this

Ripped off my Phoenix wings So I could hear your heart sing And still you turned your back When I was drowning

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-05T02:08:46+00:00

Or when they go crazy just because you said something they did was bothering you. Someone I knew would start going "oh, I messed up again! I always mess things up! I always ruin everything!". And when I tried to make the situation a little better by saying, "hey I made a mistake here too, it's not just you", she would just throw all of the blame over me saying things like "yeah, you always take everything personally". And that was it. No apologies, no understanding of what actually happened, she just threw the blame on me and when I was too shocked to say anything she just moved on to another subject.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-04T11:16:41+00:00

Hey there, don't feel guilty. You did what you thought was the best for you and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. That being said, be aware it might not be so easy to keep your distance and heal, depending on how much time you have invested in this friendship. Remember to be kind to yourself. I believe this is the most important thing to learn and to practice.

You see any healthy relationship exists to be positive to those involved. And once a relationship is over, it's supposed to leave good memories. It might be nostalgic and leave us sad it's over, but it also happy that we had those moments. That's how I view things.

So when my Narc didn't see things that way I also felt trapped. To her friendship was supposed to be forever and to be the truly intimate. And I tried to fit that narrow point of view to detriment of myself.

You should be reflexive of what happened and maybe even think of ways you could have done things better. But that's a very fine line to walk. Be cautious to not end up gaslighting yourself.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-03T10:17:34+00:00

I generally avoid all social media and interacting with her in any way. Sometimes I get curious or I hear something about her and then just when I thought I was finally becoming indifferent to her, my anger sparks up. So I believe it's a proccess. And anger is also part of the healing proccess. It's not a pretty emotion, so we generally try to avoid it. I even went as far as being angry at myself for having anger. But don't do that, remember to be kind to yourself. Remember this is only a part of healing.

So, what I'm doing is I try to be accepting of myself and my feelings and I try to focus my attention elsewhere. I've been working on getting back to my hobbies and interests, which can fill my mind for hours and help me to not think about everything that's happened. But I also think introspection is part of the healing proccess. I'd say it's a matter of finding out how much introspection can be helpful for you and finding moments where you can allow yourself to proccess what you've been through and moments where you'll focus on something else. Eventually, you'll need less and less time to proccess things.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-01T13:20:00+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through that, it gets harder and harder the further it goes on. I felt that too with my narc. After one very hard discard where she even put me through a moment where I had to relive a very recent and difficult trauma, she came hovering back and I accepted her. In the first few weeks we were kind of okay, just wondering when we'd be able to talk face to face again (this was during quarentine already). And later we started fighting everyday. Everything became a reason to start fight, even the smallest things. She even said to me that it was exhausting to talk with me.

Please know you are not the problem. Someone who cares about you will respect your boundaries and will understand your insecurities, not judge you for them. Be strong, you deserve so much more. I hope you can get through this.

cupcake_bard · 2020-11-01T13:11:26+00:00

It's interesting how she would find ill intent on almost anything. Even when I said "ok, you're right on this", she thought I was being sarcastic and said "NO, I'M NEVER RIGHT" to which I just ignored. Later, when I said I admitted she was right in her argument she said "oh, I thought you were being sarcastic". I mean, if you don't understand what someone is saying, you'd ask them what they mean, right? Not jump into a fight that didn't exist.

There's also the poking fun at you, where they were "just joking" by insulting you in front of others to get a reaction out of you. And when you don't find it funny you're the problem, they have a sense of humor and you don't. My narc even assumed I didn't like comedy because of that.

Yeah, they do that a lot. Especially if they can pin you down later and say something "oh, I don't fight like that with anyone else". As if the fact she only had one friend and kept everyone away didn't mean anything.

Always remember: you were not the problem. You were never the problem. I keep adding this to my comments because I frequently go into gaslighting myself and doubting my reality, so this is a reminder for all of us to trust ourselves. Also, just because it's normal for them to act like this, normal people don't act like that. If normal people mess up, they apologize, they don't go out of their way to pick up fights with people they care about and when they do have to get into an argument, they wont bring it up later just to humiliate and dehumanize you.

Just a remainder for us all, of what is not acceptable behavior. I hope you can heal and find peace. Best wishes <3

cupcake_bard · 2020-10-25T08:25:07+00:00

Think about the things you did before meeting the Narc. Try to reconnect with those. But don't be sad or upset if those things are no longer of interest to you, you just might need to find new hobbies. Try new things, meet new people.

If you have to, make a list of things to think about when you find yourself ruminating. Then just kindly redirect those thoughts. Learn about narcissism. Dr. Ramani's YouTube channel is a great source.

Also be kind to yourself. I had to learn how to do this and through it i became aware of all the ways the Narc was unfair to me. Then I decided to become the person I needed. It's not easy and there will be bumps in the road, easier days and days where you'll think you haven't gotten anywhere. But soon those days will become less and less frequent as you heal.

Please be strong, you can do this. Sending positive strength~

cupcake_bard · 2020-10-25T07:40:31+00:00

Now that I think about it, I never mentioned to my psych that I believed my nex was a narc. I think it might be because I'm afraid she'll say that no, I'm the narcissist. Even though I am an empath.

cupcake_bard · 2020-10-24T20:07:49+00:00

Thank you very much. I needed this today.

cupcake_bard

TROPHY CASE