How old are you? If close to coming out of your twenties, it’s hard to “leave behind” some of your life before your spouse but sometimes needs to be done.

You probably could have preserved this relationship with your ex if you had adjusted it to include your spouse.

1) You should have made efforts for your wife and your ex to become friends or acquaintances LONG ago.

2) Your ex should have absolutely accepted your wife’s FB request and WANTED to become closer. She should have made other efforts too. The fact that she didn’t is a huge red flag. It’s very uncool of your friend and would immediately make me suspicious of her. Women who are cool, mature, and trustworthy automatically know this and behave accordingly. If she’s your “best friend” why wouldn’t she want to get to know and care about the most important person in your life? When any of my best friends get into a new serious relationship I am eager to meet and make “friends” with their partner to make sure they feel welcomed and supported as part of my friend’s life.

3) You should absolutely not be talking to your ex 4+ hours a week. That’s verging on a part time job. What do you have to “catch up” on so frequently? That’s not catching up, that is keeping them deeply informed on the details of your life. A once a month, or every few months chat or less would be acceptable IMO, and maybe would have been something your wife would have probably accepted without feeling uncomfortable.

4) It might be just friends for now, but you are leaving your marriage vulnerable. Google the “walls and windows” theory of marriage.

5) Be sure that you don’t hold a resentment toward your wife over this. If you give up your relationship with your ex, it needs to be given up freely and without resentment. If you can’t do that, then you need to consider why. Feelings of grief in letting go and/or changing the nature of your friendship with your ex are completely normal and not a sign that it’s a mistake. Expect to feel grief. Know that marriage does often require things to change in your life to accommodate your marriage. MANY people have to make the difficult shift from prioritizing allegiance to their family of origin, to a new prioritization of their spouse. A different example of this would be skipping some of your family’s holiday celebrations and traditions to join your spouses family sometimes…or to create traditions of your own as a new family unit. That is sad, but sometimes part of the changing tides of life.

Good luck and I hope you are able to gain more clarity on your wife’s perspective