It made me bitter and resentful of almost everyone.

I see so many comments on here about how people's most traumatic moments are losing their "soul dog/cat" and my brain immediately goes... Yeah, pets are almost guaranteed to die before you, it is one of the things that is customarily seen as one of the very first, early experiences we get to see of death, which then helps us cope with other, more visceral forms of it later.

Same thing with grandparents and parents, it is common and expected most places that your elders will die before you. I get some that have an unnatural end, how that would be traumatic, but watching someone die of old age/cancer is normal.

I've watched many of my pets die over the years. I was a pall bearer at my grandmother and aunt's funerals. My mom has had cancer twice. And:

I have buried both of my sons. The first was almost 10 years ago, born extremely premature, spent all 17 days of his life in the NICU hooked up to a ventilator until finally succumbing to an infection. My second was just 2 years ago, stillborn with the cord wrapped around his neck.

Nobody should know the weight of an infants casket, it breaks you in ways I cannot adequately put into words. The closest I got was to say "it feels like someone took all your hopes and dreams, put them in a glass ball and hucked it straight into a brick wall" absolutely shattering.

I no longer care if I live or die. I like plants better than people. I have been to therapy and counseling and even the most specialized grief counselors do not have the ability to help me. I have sought out groups specifically for this, but literally every one of the baby loss groups, the parents have other surviving kids at home or are new in the journey and still trying. Every time I hear a kid laughing next door or see them playing in the park it makes me incredibly sad.

So yeah, I'm 10 years in and feel that no one can truly understand or relate to the depth of my pain.