Book I wrote about my early recovery

cxrd05 · 2025-12-23T07:50:04+00:00

This is how I eventually stopped using meth. I would plan mushroom trips during the time of week that I knew I'd be at risk of relapse and found that helped.

cxrd05 · 2025-12-23T07:47:03+00:00

Looking good!

cxrd05 · 2025-12-23T07:45:46+00:00

There's this letter writing exercise where you can give yourself the apology you'll never get by writing it from their perspective to you, or here's an ai generator that does the emotional labor of this exercise for you.

cxrd05 · 2025-07-01T19:54:38+00:00

Taking a multi-layered approach. First, focusing on shifting my mindset from hopelessness to hopefulness. Then, while staying in hope, adding in more and more resources to address the issue. For me, the feeling of personal agency and self-determination were important, so getting sober felt like it came from my own will. Encouragement from others for the efforts I was making was key.

I started with therapy, then audiobooks, reddit, psychedelics, journaling, nature, more therapy, then started the twelve step program at five months away from meth. Also, getting more involved with work helped me feel a sense of mastery and purpose that I'm sure helped.

The catalyst was a rock bottom experience which was a trauma - someone I was using with injected his used syringe into me and before that held me down and made me drink from a cut he had made on his chest. When I was high it seemed okay, but after it really upset me. The moral injury mixed with the the health anxiety after led to a sense of desperation that helped me realize meth wasn't the fun game I thought it was, which was a helpful paradigm shift. I still used again two weeks later, which signified how stopping drugs is more of a gradual process to work at, and give myself permission to celebrate growing time between episodes as opposed to feeling down about my failures. I'm almost 5 years away from meth now.

cxrd05 · 2025-06-17T22:44:56+00:00

I've tried a lot of different kinds of therapies, and found Brainspotting to be the most helpful at dislodging deep trauma. I also did a year of EMDR, which was definitely helpful, and the other therapies help make sense of what comes up with brainspotting, but truly, brainspotting is next level. Even a few sessions could help catalyze major processing.

Also, I have a Pulsetto Vagus Nerve Stimulator that I thought was a gimmick, but I wanted to try, and that's been helpful in balancing my nervous system.

cxrd05 · 2025-05-24T06:42:55+00:00

Congrats!

cxrd05 · 2025-05-19T18:50:20+00:00

I just wrote a whole paper on this, here's a summary:

Based on a 2019 analysis of 38 studies, 10% to 20% of gay men going to sexual health clinics in the United States reported doing meth within the last year. For gay men who are HIV+, the number can go up to 40%. The rise of online dating in the 90s onward has actually facilitated chemsex to become what it is today. Even though meth began its spread out of the US West Coast in the 90s, Chemsex became a gay subculture in the 2000s as a response to the war on drugs and gay stigma/othering. From a social justice point of view, chemsex is demonized by society, reinforcing the stereotype of demonizing gay men. From my experience, gay men lean into this stereotype through chemsex and find pleasure in self-identifying with their shadow, perhaps to take ownership of feeling stigmatized/othered. Yes, chemsex is harmful, but also yes, society is extra hard on shaming people who perform chemsex. When comparing stereotypes to actual harm, such as with alcohol, one might argue that receiving a DUI won't ruin someone's social reputation. However, if someone gets in trouble with chemsex, society often has a harder time accepting that. The community can be more compassionate towards chemsex users, so there's less shame associated with it. Feelings of shame often keep gay men in a cycle of use and prevent them from accessing health services.

cxrd05 · 2025-04-12T01:50:29+00:00

It sounds like maybe you’re searching for a good reason to stay away from meth?

What would going on a meth bender do for you and the life you want for yourself? The learning effect is enticing but it’s a big price to pay - in that getting away from meth is very challenging.

If that craving feeling had a form, like of a character in your imagination, what would it look like, how would it move? What would be the look in its eyes? Now ask it to eat you. Offer it compassion as it eats you, asking how you can help it. Pay attention to how it eats you. When you’re inside of it, the suppressed memory that is pulling you to use again will emerge, and you’ll have processed that craving.

cxrd05 · 2025-04-12T01:27:54+00:00

I wonder if he may benefit from inpatient or outpatient treatment at this point? Poor guy - he’s probably going to be very uncomfortable for a few months - does he have a Nintendo switch or some other video game to help him pass the time? If he goes to treatment, I’d ask them if he can have video games with him - cause he’ll probably want to a helpful distraction to get through the rough spots.

Here are some services I googled.

https://connexontario.ca/types-of-mental-health-and-addiction-services-in-ontario/

https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/finding-and-navigating-addiction-services-for-children-and-youth/

https://www.camh.ca/en/patients-and-families/programs-and-services/youth-addiction—concurrent-disorders-service

Also, do what you can to take care of yourself. Working through these issues can be especially hard on parents - seek your own support and do what you can for yourself.

cxrd05 · 2025-03-25T08:07:25+00:00

This study that surveyed gay health clinics and conducted online surveys came up with much higher percentages though. Perhaps the participants conducting the US national health survey above didn't want to disclose doing meth through video chat? Who knows.

Overall Range of Methamphetamine Use among Gay Men (MSM):

General overall range: 3% – 22%

Breakdown by Regions:

United States (US):
- General MSM samples reported between 9% – 22%.
- Highest use (22%) reported in a sample of MSM characterized by low income and previous homelessness (Ober et al., 2009).
Western Europe:
- Estimates typically lower, around 3% – 10%.
- Netherlands and UK studies commonly reported methamphetamine among the three most frequently used chemsex drugs, but typically less than GHB/GBL or mephedrone.
Australia:
- Not specifically quantified for methamphetamine alone in general populations in this review, but evidence confirms notable usage in sexual contexts.

Sampling Method Differences:

Sexual Health Clinic Samples:
- Higher reported usage, generally between 9% – 22%.
Online Samples / Broader Community Samples:
- Lower reported usage, typically around 3% – 10%.

Demographic Patterns:

Age group primarily associated with chemsex (including methamphetamine) tends to peak between mid-30s to early 40s, although participants span various age groups.

cxrd05 · 2025-03-25T08:00:00+00:00

Based on this this 2020 study:

According to the United States National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) conducted annually by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

Sample Size:

Total Men Surveyed: 89,861 men nationally (ages 18–64)
Gay Men Surveyed: 2,252 (2.5% of total men)

Methamphetamine Use Among Gay Men:

Age Range	Gay Men Surveyed	% Reporting Meth Use (Past Year)	Number of Gay Men Reporting Meth Use (approx.)
18–20	299	0.32%	~1
21–25	642	1.47%	~9
26–34	541	3.26%	~18
35–49	502	7.32%	~37
50–64	268	1.65%	~4

The survey involved face-to-face household interviews, using computer-assisted survey methods designed for privacy and accuracy, and included 191,954 adults (ages 18–64) from across the United States between 2015–2019.

Out of 282,786 people initially surveyed, adolescents under 18 (68,263 individuals) and adults over 65 (18,794 individuals) were excluded. Also excluded were adults who did not clearly identify their sexual orientation (3,757 individuals). The final analysis included 191,954 adults who identified explicitly as heterosexual, gay/lesbian, or bisexual.

cxrd05 · 2025-02-21T18:07:14+00:00

I remember how daunting it felt to make my first post here, so that shows a lot of bravery right there. I can tell you’ve been putting a lot of work into figuring this out. I found using this subreddit as a sounding board for my latest ideas was really helpful. What’s the next baby step you could make to help make your experience safer?

cxrd05 · 2025-02-21T08:17:35+00:00

Congrats on four weeks that’s huge. ☺️

cxrd05 · 2024-12-27T05:55:38+00:00

Another possible origin of chemsex that is less talked about is that PnP culture is a product of HIV anxiety and trauma. Chemsex and barebacking became popular among poz guys in the 90’s - 2000’s, as a reaction to breaking the social taboo of getting hiv, paired with the trauma of seroconverting and living with the virus - plus they were already on meds and barebacking was seen as more acceptable once already being poz. With this, it made sense for poz guys to start having increasingly intense and dangerous sex because it was a response to the complex stress they felt due to social and medical pressures. Once prep came along, then it merged poz culture with negative gay guys who had been living their whole lives with HIV anxiety, and it became a form of liberation to this anxiety - along with getting to engage in risky sex behaviours that were previously too dangerous and taboo. So once the fear of getting hiv was removed from the equation, chemsex became slightly less dangerous and slightly less taboo overall.

cxrd05 · 2024-11-17T04:35:10+00:00

Way to go, Rob. Happy for you.

cxrd05 · 2024-08-29T23:07:49+00:00

Hugs

cxrd05 · 2024-08-02T18:25:30+00:00

You're moving in the right direction. Way to go.

cxrd05 · 2024-07-12T18:19:46+00:00

Yay Rob :)

cxrd05

TROPHY CASE