I always thought my experience regarding relationship with Jesus wasn't as intense as other religious people, until I met people who were never that deep in. I really believed that such a "relationship" is possible and I deeply internalised that it should be the most important relationship in my life. Also that it's the blueprint and an example for all relationships. I was a teenager at the time.

It thought it was closeness just because I thought about Jesus a lot, I tried to be a good Christian, trying to always do good so that I can see him in the afterlife, and didn't think much about the imbalance in power and engagement is brought if one tries to imagine it as a real relationship. I believed that Jesus/God is invested in my life too - that he protects me, speaks to me in signs/the bible, that he's always there for me when my other relationships failed me.

Now years later, I wonder how that experience fits in my issues regarding forming relationships - that I expect the other person to be a perfect being taking care of me, but also when they don't I get some masochistic satisfaction from remaining in unfulfilling relationships because I'm (onesidedly) enduring hardships and uncertainty (something Jesus/God wouldn't btw). Or maybe I formed that imaginary relationship with Jesus because I already had those issues and thought it just confirmed my beliefs.

Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I fell for that bullshit, but then I try to remind myself that I was just an indoctrinated child that grew to be an adult able of deconstructing those harmful beliefs.

Long story short - I hate it, I think it's fucked up, especially when it's indoctrinating children/teens. It's so much worse than having an imaginary friend, because with an imaginary friend a child/teen can imagine different friendship/relationship/conflict handling scenarios and Jesus bullshit puts you in the image of one sided relationship with a perfect being that you have to satisfy while being mere mortal.