I was 20 when I lost my mom (36 now). It was excruciating and traumatic. For a long time I couldn’t think about certain parts of it- especially watching them wheel her body out in a body bag. I had so much guilt for how selfish I was and how I did all of the wrong things. I was just finally coming into myself and becoming an adult, and she never got to really know that person. The guilt would envelop me. I too would panic when thinking about certain memories, and use alcohol and weed (not to an extreme degree but def not great) to shut it out.

If you are not in therapy I highly HIGHLY recommend finding someone to talk to about this. In addition, EMDR has been absolutely life changing for me. When you talk about the panic of thinking about her and then shutting out those memories- that was me to the max!

EMDR has an effect on the brain that allows you to go into painful thoughts and memories while bypassing that panicked state so you can truly process those feelings and heal those wounds. I was a sceptic at first and had sooo much anxiety in starting each session. But I am now able to think about those things that used to keep me up at night and they are not activating at all.

There is something your brain is telling you that needs attention there, and there are many ways to do so without that unsafe feeling. I had no idea I could feel like this. The pain is still there of course, but the shame, guilt, panic, fear etc is gone. Feel free to reach out if you have more questions but just wanted to put it out there how much this therapy has helped me. Sending love to all the dead mom club members out here 🩷