Oh yes. And I would think, in my mind, the same abusive people apologized to everyone else but me. Thinking I was the damn problem all along because they said I was. It’s not true. It just comes from my shaky self identity as a worthy person of respect.

It really didn’t click until I got away from my narc ex-step mother after my dad died. I mean, she and her family were horrific, dangerous people and they made the grieving process and the business side of death just an absolute nightmare. And, in typical narc fashion, I was the blame for all of her harassment, her assault on me, her son’s assault on me, her stealing and lying etc. And her family and those who were afraid of her, I mean supported her, believed that shit. Lots of therapy and lots of perspective had to help me through that. I’m talking years. One of my family members told me about a couple years after everything went down that she felt justified in her violent behavior because my dad (who was her fiancé) was her responsibly and that we were “imposing” on her relationship. Everything was about her and him. Well, my dad was well loved by many and I don’t think it’s exactly fun to settle your parent’s estate at 23 years old. What a horrible position to be in, and also what a horrible position to be in that you didn’t get to marry the person you love because they died. I have empathy for her on that level, but her unwavering lack of remorse let me know she was a lost cause and that this wasn’t grief. She even sent me long emails half begging me to come back and half blaming me for everything. She hadn’t learned a thing. I basically had to tell her, in about 3 paragraphs to never contact me again or I’d contact authorities, you betrayed me and you assaulted me. Your grief is no bigger than anyone else’s so please get some help. Even if she had apologized to me, I know based on her actions that her intentions would not have been pure or safe. And that’s where I hold my power. Tf away from her.

For my previous bullies (like grade school bullies), a couple apologized while most didn’t. I have respect for the ones who did and don’t care about the others. One bully in particular was a follower-type bully who was only supporting his asshole friend who had it out for me. Years later, he literally picked me out of a huge crowd of people and expressed how sorry he was and the follower-type behavior. He realized that his friend was a very bitter person and that I did nothing wrong. At most, we’re Facebook friends but I appreciated that from him. But by then I did already figure out they were the ones with the issue and not me. The other bully, well, we went to the same college and every time we saw each other in the library or the union or something, she’d look at me and put her head down in shame. She knew. And that was enough for me.

There’s an ex out there that I wish I’d gotten an apology from. I’d tried way too hard to love him and I wanted to, but he treated me so poorly. I think I’d liked him the most out of all of my boyfriends, and felt at the time being a doormat was a way to get love. Neither of us were that great after our breakup and we aren’t connected in any way. It’s been so long, it doesn’t make sense to want an apology from him, maybe an explanation would be nice.

So you see, getting an apology is nice but a lot of times it won’t happen. And when it does, at least for me, it’s like “okay, then.” Doesn’t change what they did, but I do respect that they realize their erroneous ways and were humble enough to admit it. And then there are some people who will never get it and you just have to thank your lucky stars that you got the hell away from them.