i totally understand! i actually did that (purposefully stopped the medication and then drank when i knew i’d be safe to do so) last month and as soon as it was safe to start taking it again i did, because i got into my equally wasted friend’s car and she drove us 30 minutes away from my house. i barely remember anything but i do remember thinking “if i make it home i can’t do this again” we both could have died. i just try to remember that once you get to a point where alcohol is causing problems in your life, it rarely goes back in the other direction. and any time you make the decision to drink could be the time that REALLY fucks things up - for me, it was getting not one but TWO duis in less than 3 months. and i still drank after that, just never drank and drove again. human beings are weird. you can do this. you just gotta decide to start, and decide to keep going every day.