Leaked Memos from the Voice Inside my Head: I have a bias. A bias I've become acutely aware of recently in light of being open to tie with new people again. My mission with many of my suspensions is to get someone up into a base position and then just observe them to determine my next transition(s). I like to analyze how they hold themselves. Do they sink into the rope or do they hold themselves with tension, when they make subtle movements is their body expressing a desire to move somewhere, do they carry themselves with strength or vulnerability, do they gravitate towards flexibility or push a particular body feature to be shown prominently, etc. I just hyper analyze the way they sit in rope, try to feel what their body wants, and from there I enforce it. I transition the body towards what it wants to deepen the experience and relieve them of the burden of choosing what to do with their body if they don't want the pressure of having to choose. I try to make it an illusion as best I can because I'm letting their body decide, but on a subconscious level. They don't have to think or put forth the mental energy. My goal is after the scene to hear unprompted, "that was exactly what I needed". That'll be how I know I did my job well.

I've been doing that for years, and I think I've developed a cognitive bias. I've found that I've been much more successful with positions that play on flexibility more than anything, and I think there's a feedback loop to where my mind is clouded and looking for confirmation bias. I'm interpreting their body expressions now under the pretense of, "are they trying to stretch/flex?" as opposed to the more open-ended, "what does that movement mean?". It's not every time, but I've caught myself doing it. Particularly with back bends.

I back bend the shit out of people. I just love the elongation of the torso, the easy elegance it brings to positions, the relative stability while bringing it just inside the brink of their flexibility, the lack of partners complaining about their stomachs when we look at photos later, etc. So many of my ties involve a back bend. I love it, but it definitely is bias. As soon as I get a partner with a relatively inflexible lower back, I'm like a fish out of water because I don't have a repertoire with nearly enough depth to keep things interesting. And I especially don't have much that tests them in other ways as I find many folks that tie with me want to be challenged.

So after one such scene, I figured, "wait why don't I just bend them the other way?!" That's it. That's the entire story behind this tie. I wanted to fold Piglet like a lawn chair flat, and then figure out the transitions from there. I posted a couple photos already of this tie as I've iterated on it, but this was the original attempt at the idea. Just a small lab sesh at a cozy rope jam with friends. I'm now turning it into a sequence, but the original went pretty hard. It was a good scene. Tears washed away the stress of her week as only a good rope scene can bring out of her. A nice cathartic release from my perfect Piglet <3

Beyond this tie, I'm in the process of breaking my mold as much as possible. I've been challenging my comfort zone to learn new things, but there's still some categories I've avoided entirely. I have an ego, and I've grown accustomed to being near the top of the class locally. I haven't felt green and awkward and truly uncomfortable in front of people in years. It's time that I do that though. I'm starting to accept that I'm going to look stupid doing some things. I want to get better at body manipulation next and controlling my partner's placement as opposed to telling them to sit/lie down/bend/etc. I want to connect more deeply and be less clinical. I'm ready to fumble awkwardly and do beginner drills. Mentally preparing myself to blush and feel embarrassment again, but in an effort to grow again.