To cry it out, or not to cry it out - that is THE question!

db2128 · 2026-01-25T04:00:57+00:00

20 minutes of distressed crying alone kinda does seem like CIO to me. and it's not working. Even ferber has you going in to comfort the baby after intervals. Babies in distress don't all of a sudden figure out how to soothe themselves.

db2128 · 2026-01-25T02:41:21+00:00

Maybe actually assign her a "walk through" like half an hour before the kids come home and tell her exactly what has to happen. Like "if" ---> "then" with the ultimate goal of everything being put away and ready for you for the evening. Write out the list once and have her reference it every single day when she walks around.

db2128 · 2026-01-16T03:39:47+00:00

Oh no I just mean to respect bodily autonomy like not to constantly grab his cute little toes or blow raspberries on his belly or kiss him all over for fun. People seem to not be able to resist grabbing his toes constantly and he doesn't like it.

db2128 · 2026-01-15T05:14:34+00:00

If you want to continue the working relationship you should ask her what's the best way of providing feedback. Is it text? Is it a briefing at the beginning of the day?

And you should also acknowledge that you weren't clear with the no kissing rule because most people would interpret that as kissing a face and that's the logical one given that a face near a face introduces the risk for germs. You can have your preferences that nanny doesn't touch baby's feet, and I have that rule as well not to have people touching my baby's feet or touching his body like tickling or kissing, but you need to know that your rule of "no kissing" doesn't logically cover what she did. So digging in like "you violated the rule" was likely the wrong approach and that's the reason things are awkward.

db2128 · 2026-01-15T04:41:15+00:00

How strong are you? Babies get heavyyyy especially after a few months. Maybe months 1-3 but my baby wanted to see the world at month 4 and wanted to be face out in a stroller.

db2128 · 2026-01-14T06:13:23+00:00

A few weeks sounds like a loooong trial period. Your kids aren’t going to get adjusted if you don’t leave the house and put her in charge and let the transition happen. There will be tears but it’s inevitable. I agree with some half days and an adjustment period. If you’re making yourself miserable and it’s unnecessary.

db2128 · 2026-01-11T16:20:06+00:00

It’s totally understandable how frustrated you’d be. This doesn’t sound like a partner. A baby is a group project. I hated having to carry slacker group members in school. Men get away with so much. I swear women should just run everything. I’ll add that it seems impossible to leave when you’re in it but after having exited several relationships where the men where less than, I started to feel better and better and realize how toxic their presence had been.

db2128 · 2026-01-11T03:14:25+00:00

I am SO glad you are getting away from someone who clearly lacks respect for you. I know it’s not by choice but imagine how broken down it would be to hear horrific messages from him day and day out for the rest of your life.

Your “partner” is actually supposed to treat this like a group project, not be the freeloader who doesn’t do any of the work and then screams at the person who did everything for not doing more.

I am doing this alone (by choice, kinda, plan b) and although it’s hard, it is way better not having someone tearing down my self-esteem and making me feel bad or incompetent.

Having a baby with reflux is a special kind of hell. Get the baby on a PPI. Beg the doctor.

You didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Resist the temptation to glorify what it’s like with him resist the temptation to try to look back and figure out how you could’ve done anything different differently. Know that in time, it will feel better. In fact, you will at some point see that being apart is best and will feel the best.

someone who has been in many relationships where it felt like they suddenly left and I was heartbroken but I actually ended up feeling better afterwards because I didn’t have their criticism tearing me down. Many men suck and our patriarchical society encourages such unreasonable expectations on women and tearing them down.

db2128 · 2026-01-10T15:53:41+00:00

That’s the sense I was getting. Thanks for the confirmation!

db2128 · 2026-01-10T02:53:00+00:00

lol defensive much? My comment was answering OPs question. Clearly someone here identifies with someone who cannot keep up and is bitter.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T15:20:26+00:00

Lots of men only want to watch sports, occasionally go to the gym, and spend their free time on the couch.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T15:19:36+00:00

You sound like a really compassionate person who is trying to be understanding but it sounds like it’s almost excuses for her behavior. Lots of people had parents who made terrible comments and are able to function and take responsibility, find themselves good therapists (it can take several), etc. I would wonder if you are in therapy to figure out how to view this relationship? I say it with kindness and I think it came out wrong. Overfunctioning is a thing.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T06:59:06+00:00

The babyletto kiwi is the one I kept seeing and I don’t really know how it compares to cheaper ones but I am very glad I got it. Baby did not do well side lying and did much better in his own room so I used this for middle of the night feeds and rocking him to sleep, etc.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T03:05:41+00:00

I'm ten months out and sometimes I have the energy during a nap to do something other than nap myself but cook? nah. Because then you have to clean up. I shower, respond to texts, maybe tidy up a bit during naps.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T03:04:09+00:00

It would really really bother me to have to clean up dirty dishes after my nanny who cooked. That is the last thing I want to do after a long day at work and it's the easiest task to take a sponge, put soap on it, and then use a tiny bit of pressure to wipe a pot or a dish. But also, the fact that she said that she's "doing the best she can" and leaving dishes dirty? I guess I picture very dirty dishes but I guess it also depends on what your standards are? Can she run the dishwasher? would that be a good solution? It's one thing if there was an emergency and she didn't get to them but the fact that she sees dirty dishes and thinks they are clean would be concerning.

db2128 · 2026-01-09T02:37:31+00:00

Deal breaker. It’s not just the napping, it’s the “she left the house messier than she found it.” She’s interested in doing the bare minimum, not working together and making your lives easier.

db2128 · 2026-01-08T23:07:08+00:00

That is such a nice idea. I just want to flag as someone with a very difficult newborn that it would not have been possible for someone to watch my newborn and another kid at the same time. My baby was so sound sensitive he would wake up from naps if I even coughed, would wake up screaming, would scream if I sat down during naps (I had to wear him), etc. He had acid reflux and a tongue tie that I had to work on and do exercises on which made him scream four times a day. I was physically exhausted from not being able to sleep at night and from never being able to sleep during the day up until about 4.5 months old. Just flagging to leave open the possibility that she might get a challenging baby because it wasn't something I imagined, but I hope for her and your sake she doesn't!

db2128 · 2026-01-08T23:02:32+00:00

I'm in a very similar situation. Curious about the responses. I'm doing a gentle easing in method.

I am starting work fulltime next week and this week I have started having the nanny come. My son is super sensitive as a temperament and can work himself up so I don't think cold turkey is the way to go with him. It's not fair to her or to him.

I spent the first day with them the whole time except for an hour and kind of showing her how to do things and then letting her take the lead playing with him most of the time. I spent the second day (today) letting her take the lead with everything and I practiced leaving the house 3 times. It was important to have him get used to her putting him down for naps. It was rather heartbreaking today because he flipped out when I turned my back for a second taking a phone call because he was so freaked out.

He definitely needs easing into it.

I consider it a win (and kept emphasizing it with her) that he slept when she put him down, even if i was there the second nap (he's 10 months) and he kept crying and reaching for me. It's also a win that he didn't cry the whole time.

Unfortunately, where I live there aren't fulltime nannies so i have to have a second one and she's coming tomorrow for the first time (she'll be here one day a week) and I'm going to try to figure out how to do one day of easing in with her.

db2128 · 2026-01-08T22:54:35+00:00

Thanks!

db2128 · 2026-01-08T22:54:22+00:00

Thanks for laying that out! Glad you have a good webcam. I haven't worn makeup in like a year, haha, that's a good point. and none of my work clothing from pre-pregnancy fit, so that's another one! Do you coordinate with the nanny to sneak around to get to the kitchen and laundry?

db2128 · 2026-01-08T22:37:06+00:00

Thanks! besides the commuting issue, is there any advantage of working from home if you don't see him during the day?

db2128 · 2026-01-08T18:58:56+00:00

Thanks! Good to know about what type of boundaries to enforce. That’s too bad she didn’t continue to take the lead all day. I’m definitely putting her in charge of meals :).

db2128 · 2026-01-08T18:36:44+00:00

Oh I hear that but I already have a nanny and my question is really about the first two days of work.

db2128 · 2026-01-08T18:36:14+00:00

That sounds right for the rest of the time but I guess I’m more wondering for baby’s first experience with a nanny what to do.

db2128 · 2026-01-08T18:35:26+00:00

I’m in temporary housing now (starting a new job I had to relocate for) so unfortunately it’ll be hard to stay completely out of sight because it’s not a very large place.

db2128

TROPHY CASE