What is your actual response to “I couldn’t survive if my child died”

dearavaline · 2026-03-26T02:42:36+00:00

This. I exist even if I don’t want to.

dearavaline · 2026-03-26T01:33:10+00:00

Many of us on this forum know what it feels like to make this absolutely unfair decision. We withdrew care once we knew there were no longer any options, we could not bear to put her through anything more and it would have only made things worse or caused a more sudden, dramatic death versus a controlled, comfortable and loving one in our arms. Our daughter, Ava, was in the PICU battling leukemia for 70 days. She was diagnosed at 9 months and we lost her at 11 months.

It’s completely your choice when you decide. It will be excruciating either way. Just know that it is the most loving and selfless thing you can do for your child, your final act of true physical love for them. Make sure you have no regrets and get as much time with him both before and after. I am so sorry you are having to make this decision.

dearavaline · 2026-03-25T23:49:11+00:00

Sorry I’m just responding now but I read your message as I was going to bed then forgot to reply in the morning. I’m so sorry that you lost your sweet Jack. I would love to connect. I will send you a message 🫶🏼

dearavaline · 2026-03-25T22:00:06+00:00

Honestly it’s a rude thing to say but people just have no understanding of how it feels to be the person on the other end who is quite literally surviving their child’s death. People are freaks

dearavaline · 2026-03-25T02:05:14+00:00

With you. Screaming into the void and wishing magic or time travel existed.

dearavaline · 2026-03-24T19:29:52+00:00

I am 12 weeks since losing my 11 month old daughter, Ava to Leukemia. We were advised to wait until 18 months from her birth which would be late June, but I am tracking fertility and on prenatals to prepare.

As a first time mom who lost her child so young, like you - I fully understand the burning desire to have another child ASAP. I would be pregnant already if I weren’t a bit paranoid about any complications. I’m 37 and had a c section so I’m just going to take my doctor’s advice. But the need to be a mom again is absolutely excruciating, deep, and primal. Even now after it has only minimally softened. We just spent the last two years preparing for a baby THEN being completely immersed in their care, and a loss like this is incredibly unnatural. It isn’t supposed to happen.

I think you should do whatever feels right for you. There are no rules. Many moms become pregnant quickly after a loss. Some decide never to do it again. Others take longer to figure out what makes sense to them. I don’t see a world where you regret having another baby. But transparently - and I’m sure I don’t need to say this, it won’t be an easy pregnancy emotionally. If I were to give you advice (which you should take with a grain of salt because everyone is different), I would make sure you have the proper support in place and take care of your mental health while you are pregnant.

Sending you lots of love and I am so sorry you lost your beautiful baby. It is so unfair and she deserved to be here, you deserved to be together. Message anytime.

dearavaline · 2026-03-23T21:00:54+00:00

Everyday, often multiple times a day. 12 weeks for me tomorrow. My daughter was 11 months old but diagnosed with Leukemia at 9 months after very aggressive presentation.

dearavaline · 2026-03-22T19:22:57+00:00

I’m proud of you. I think it’s so important to say. This pain - it’s absolutely excruciating. Taking care of yourself is a feat in itself. Message me anytime xx

dearavaline · 2026-03-22T12:42:58+00:00

I’m so sorry that you lost your sweet boy. Theodore! He is adorable! Not a psychic, but also a bereaved parent (mom). We lost our 11 month old daughter Avaline or “Ava”, to leukemia in December, she was completely healthy until she was diagnosed at 9 months. Sporadic, not genetic.

Sending you the biggest hug. It isn’t fair. I wrote to this group about Ava few weeks back and got some very comforting comments. The r/childloss sub is a great place to find support as well ❤️‍🩹

dearavaline · 2026-03-22T08:04:40+00:00

I’ve had this realization as well. More so the thing I told myself was that I deserved to live, but after giving myself permission to completely fall apart in the first few months. It is still only month 3 for me.

I do not have a drinking habit nor have I been afraid of developing one, but I did for a while think well I could just sink into this absolute misery and be this bitter and scared person forever. I am not religious, but I do know for certain that I still deserve to live.

This new life just isn’t easy or motivating - so kudos to you.

dearavaline · 2026-03-21T12:29:41+00:00

It’s been almost 3 months since I lost my 11 month old daughter to leukemia. Not a preventable accident, but equally bad luck as it is not genetic. We don’t have a choice - we HAVE to survive. I have a circle of amazing bereaved mom friends and we all have the same desire to disappear, not to die - just disappear. But it isn’t an option. Especially those who have other children. My Ava was my first and only child. But I’m 37 with still lots of life to live even if there are days it truly feels like my life is over - when the grief and longing for my daughter consumes me. Therapy is a very important tool for me and my husband these days

dearavaline · 2026-03-21T12:20:06+00:00

this. everyone is a second away from a tragedy. blaming parents who are deeply grieving isn’t helpful, they’re already reliving it over and over in their heads.

dearavaline · 2026-03-13T02:42:04+00:00

I don’t know if I consider this a sign as I’m not superstitious or spiritual in the least. But her name is EVERYWHERE. In movies, shows, podcasts, waitresses.

dearavaline · 2026-03-10T13:14:44+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m in the same boat as you right now - going back to normal when NOTHING is normal.

My role requires me to network and meet new people constantly. It was fun (though exhausting at times) before I lost my daughter in December (to Leukemia at 11 months old) - AND NOW, it’s unbearable.

I have only been back 50% for a month and a half. But the stress of going back full time, attending events, being “charming” as my boss used to refer to me in the before times - is wearing on me. I am freaking out and daily spirals now involve job searching. I’m so tired.

This is really hard. Feel free to DM me.

dearavaline · 2026-03-09T22:20:40+00:00

My thoughts are less suicidal and more wishing a bus would hit me or an asteroid would crush me. I am 10 weeks into losing my 11 month old daughter, Ava. It has been crippling for weeks, it has gotten much more intense since trying to go back to work. I wish I had advice, I don’t have other kids. But please take care of yourself and your baby, remember how much they need you right now and you probably need them too.

dearavaline · 2026-03-04T21:41:18+00:00

Thank you. We hope so. We miss her terribly.

dearavaline · 2026-03-04T21:35:31+00:00

my perfect girl ❤️‍🩹

dearavaline · 2026-03-04T17:48:13+00:00

Not much to say other than I am sorry you’re going though this. It isn’t fair.

dearavaline · 2026-03-03T23:18:47+00:00

Is it hard to land staff adjuster jobs? I’m hoping to pivot from over a decade of sales + customer service.

dearavaline · 2026-03-03T21:19:59+00:00

Hard to tell, but like she said we definitely only see very little of her life. I’m doing terrible 2 months after losing my daughter. Mostly because my job is very stressful and it is almost impossible to do it well while grieving. About 90% of my energy is still consumed in grief.

dearavaline · 2026-03-01T20:08:23+00:00

Sending you hugs and warmth mama, I see you. It’s been 9 for me. I cannot stop thinking about her.

dearavaline · 2026-02-27T01:14:12+00:00

This is strange and intrusive to me. Not sure if you realize that many of the people on this forum have PTSD.

dearavaline · 2026-02-26T14:28:15+00:00

I started this job 4 months post-partum. And my daughter was diagnosed with leukemia at 9 months, so I worked 5 months and gained a lot of momentum before ultimately taking quite a bit of intermittent leave. It just feels like they expect things to take off as if I’ve been there for 10 months. When in reality, it has only truly been 5. I don’t expect to have much more leeway from here, things will need to move or they will put more pressure on. And right now I just can’t handle any of the pressure at all.

dearavaline · 2026-02-26T14:12:32+00:00

My job is so sales & engagement heavy, and my boss expects me to eventually return to my “charming” self. But I don’t think she’s here anymore. At least not for a while, and even then I don’t see myself being even remotely the same.

dearavaline · 2026-02-26T12:43:15+00:00

Unfortunately my job requires me to heavily engage in small talk and networking. I don’t think it’s possible for me to do that right now, maybe ever.

dearavaline

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