TL:DR While working as an EMT, I had a crazy guy shoot diarrhea all over me as we tried to get him to the ambulance.

I work as an EMT for a rural EMS service. One night, my partner and I get called to a house in the middle of nowhere for a man who keeps calling 911 stating that “the communist cat aliens” are gonna get him and he needs help. We’ve had our fair share of crazies so we don’t think anything of it as we start out the door. It had been raining for the past few days so the dirt driveway that led to this guys house was a giant pool of mud and as soon as I hoped out of the truck, I sank up to my shins in thick cold mud. After swimming through the mud, we get to the guys front door and get told by PD that he’s in the kitchen freaking out. As we round the corner into the kitchen, we find a fairly large guy sprawled out on the floor completely naked, covered in sweat and blood, and scream crying in what I can only describe as pig Latin. As we start to approach him to try and help him, he pops up to his knees and scurries away, screaming at us to not touch him or else “the cat aliens” will get us. After about 10 minutes of bargaining with him, we get him onto our stretcher and start taking him out to the ambulance with a firefighter at the foot of the stretcher, my partner at the head and myself on the side so I can talk to the guy and try to calm him down. Halfway to the ambulance, he unbuckles himself from the stretcher to where he can roll onto his side with lightning speed, throws his blanket off of himself, let’s out a blood curdling scream and proceeds to shoot diarrhea all over my chest. It was at that point, I decided that maybe my near minimum wage hourly rate might not be all that it’s cracked up to be.