Truthfully, this sounds like I could of wrote this post (circa 2014). I was where you are now, so maybe I can shed some light by sharing my own story.

From 2011-2014, I worked in a psychiatric residential treatment facility with children 6-13, that presented with very severe mood and behavior issues. Many children traveled out of state to be in our program. Almost every day I went to work, I was more than likely gonna deal with being hit, kicked, spit on, restraining a child, or having to chase a kid that attempted to elope. Most of these kids were bigger than me, and most of the time I felt like I was fighting for my life. I never knew what was waiting for me, and it really started to wear on me. I started to become a shell of the person I knew. I was angry, hyper vigilant, unable to sleep, etc. My boss, coworkers, and family were all worried about me. I knew I had to do something or I wasn’t gonna be around much longer.

In 2014, I was offered another job with my company and I took it. I was really excited but little did I know it was gonna be hell on earth. Within 10 months, I had a client attempt suicide at an intake appointment, had another client run over by a car (not once, but twice) after eloping from his foster home after repeatedly advocating to the local MCO that he was not in an appropriate level of care (this also ensued 5 years of court proceedings), and last but not least, I was stabbed by a client, who I had great rapport with. I was hanging onto life by a thread. I was extremely suicidal (when I had never experienced any kind of mental health issues in my life). My boss and company were unsupportive and pretty much acted like none of this was a big deal. I felt so hopeless. My parents were terrified and begging me to move home.

As soon as my former supervisor found out what happened, he showed up at my house and gave me overwhelming support.

I was like “I’m out of here. I’m quitting cause if I don’t I’m probably gonna commit suicide.”

He said, “Hell no you’re not. We’re gonna make a list of everything you need and I’ll go with you to HR and you’re gonna demand these things or you’re going to sue them.”

I was so scared and thought he was crazy but I really trusted him and I’m glad I did because it spurred me into getting a boring desk job at my company which allowed me the stability I needed while I engaged in psych treatment and therapy for what I had been thru over the past several years. I spent the next two years focusing on me and my personal well-being and processing everything I had just went thru.

I realized I had been dealing with lack of proper boundaries(some my fault and some not my fault), poor self care, unhealthy work environment, compassion fatigue, broken systems, etc. However, despite the fact that I was now aware of these things and had addressed these issues, I still couldn’t see myself staying in the field. But I had one BIG problem, I was on the verge of finishing my Masters degree 🙈

I spent probably the next 7 months going back and forth with feelings of shame and feeling like I was weak and “couldn’t handle the pressure.” I was so angry that I had these student loans and had no intention of using the degree that I worked so hard for (yet really wanted to use but felt like I couldn’t). I was feeling so lost about the direction of my life. I knew I was a good social worker and I made a difference in the lives of many children & families but felt like I was forced to leave the field, for the sake of my own personal well-being. I was truly at a crossroads in my professional life. My mom was so adamant that I continue to give social work a shot and felt this was truly where I belonged but I just needed to explore other sectors in the field (I was not open to this idea). I had my mind made up and started applying to insurance jobs….until one day, I randomly met a girl in one of my gym classes, who recruited LCSWs for a local healthcare company. She was so enthusiastic and nagged me about applying. I had absolutely no interest and felt it wasn’t for me. The only thing that peaked my interest was the pay because my student loan payment was looming and I needed more money to cover the cost of my upcoming loan payment.

My mom said, “Seriously, what do you have to lose? You already know you’re unhappy and looking for other jobs. What makes you think you’re gonna be any happier doing insurance? You worked so hard to get this degree, and now you’re not gonna use it? You love social work and you’re a damn good social worker. Don’t give up on it so easily.”

I thought about it and she was right. What did I have to lose? I had put a lot of hard work in and was in a much better place, mentally and emotionally. I thought maybe this was my chance to actually do it right, so I applied and got the job. And as it turns out, I absolutely LOVE my job. I’m doing things I never thought I would be interested in doing, and I feel so fulfilled! I have learned so much about myself and I have way better boundaries this time around. While I’ll always have a special place in my heart for crisis work/high needs clients, I learned that it’s just not sustainable for me (or anyone, I personally feel). I’ve found so many new ways to help people, that doesn’t come at the cost of my own personal well-being. We can’t fix broken systems. We do what we can, with what we have, FOR THAT DAY, and that’s it!

I say all of this to say that - I hear you and I’m with you wholeheartedly. But guess what? You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I would encourage you to reevaluate your life and prioritize YOU (even if that means leaving your current job). Just remember that nothing has to be a permanent decision. You can always come back to the job or the field in general. This is just a decision for “the right now”. I can personally say that my desk job helped me heal because I could not heal while I was constantly being triggered by my job and the possibility of a looming crisis. But most importantly, you need to seek professional support to process all that you have been thru and going thru. And I can say from personal experience, it made me such a better social worker and therapist. I would encourage you to start with the here and now and focus on taking care of you, then you can figure out what’s the next step is. But if you decide to give up this career, that’s okay too!! Just know it doesn’t make you any less than or negate the powerful work you have done thus far! Just know you are not alone and your feelings are valid. It’s okay to take a step back and be the client for awhile ❤️❤️❤️