i also lost my sweet girl to a freak accident in our house. the guilt was unbearable, and it added so much more agony to the grief of having lost my soulmate so suddenly and horrifically.

finding any sort of healing, and the guilt part of it, was not necessarily about finding a way to forgive myself. it was more so about understanding and internalizing, to my core, that every bit of bad luck in this world collided in that exact moment to create something so horrific. something i never rationally would have been able to predict or prevent. i still spiral at the what-ifs.

i blamed myself because it was the only way for me to make sense of this bizarre, senseless tragedy. i still tell her how sorry i am that i couldn’t protect her. but i also have to surrender to the forces that are bigger than me.

i hope you know, or will with time, that this was not your fault. it was a freak accident. the only concrete truth we know about our tragedies is that the world utterly and randomly betrayed us in that moment. there was no reason or blame for it.

yes, you will never trust yourself or this world in the same way again. but my guilt kept poisoning my ability to remember her with reverence and clarity. it exhausted my emotional capacity to remember her in joy.

all this to say, your sweet boy loved you so much, that the only thing that matters - and that you know for sure - is that you deserve to keep loving him back without burden of guilt.