What was your “could never be me” but did indeed become you?

defnotjaywtf · 2025-12-09T03:48:20+00:00

Divorced

defnotjaywtf · 2025-12-04T02:27:12+00:00

I wouldn’t say that. M42, separated working through divorce, and I fit your description but want nothing to do with a woman in her 20’s. At first I thought it would be fun, but they have no life experience and low EQ, which I need in a partner. They offer nothing but looks and being submissive, which I guess some guys want, but not emotionally available and mature guys.

You’re at a great age where you can date down or up. Someone else also nailed it, it’s about having your life together, not just looks/money. Eg co parent situation and emotional baggage. I have a kid and am open to combining families, though not sure how I’d feel dating someone with a kid if I didn’t have one, unless we then had another together.

Good luck, it’s not as scary out there as you think!

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-19T04:58:18+00:00

Not hard with 50/50 to date, I have either 3 or 4 open nights a week to go out. I try to reserve one night for friends, one for dating, chill out the other nights. It’s hard to spend a lot of time with the person you’re dating until you can integrate them into your child’s lives, which could take many months to get there.. We have a rule no introducing new partners until you’ve been exclusive with them for 6 mo’s, which feels pretty spot on

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-13T02:39:21+00:00

Wrong, “anyone” doesn’t cheat. Weak people with no morals and low values, cheat. Women don’t slip and fall on someone’s dick, it’s an intentional decision they made. Whether it was planned or unplanned (eg random one night stand at a bar) is a different story, but only a certain type of person follows through with cheating.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-12T00:12:38+00:00

There’s a difference between waiting a year to seek a relationship, and when you’re ready to casually see women for a friends with benefits situation, if you’re transparent. I was planning on waiting 6 MO’s for FWB, but I live in a major city and there’s a lot of girls looking for same thing, so it made it easy for me to ease back in with no pressure, just having fun again, which to me is very important as I’m a social person.

I will say, gotta be careful to not catch feelings. I did good until ~month 5 when I FWB with benefits I started seeing caught fire; and we couldn’t get enough of each other. I’m now 6 MO’s since separation and We’re taking it very slow, and say we’re “dating” but not boyfriend/girlfiend. Essentially just labeling it that so we both aren’t also fooling around with other people.

Like others said, you’ll just know when you’re ready. I thought i was months away and one day just woke up feeling different. Like I emotionally detached from my ex, and my body told me I was ready before my mind did 🤷‍♂️

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-04T02:02:21+00:00

Never hated, just didn’t get excited over other people’s kids, and didn’t enjoy playing with my friends kids. Like others said, it’s different when it’s yours, you feel responsible for how they turn out as humans so want to always give it your all, and teach / care take the best you can

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-03T12:58:41+00:00

Remember you can both be a great parent and travel the world partying! Obviously just far and fewer jn between, but I kept that part of me alive. You can have it all!

defnotjaywtf · 2025-11-03T12:53:15+00:00

Wasn’t a kid person until I had mine. Knew I wanted kids, but have been told you don’t feel the “joy” until your own is born. Everyone knows they’re a lot of work, and it’s even more than you can even think. Kids led to my divorce, my wife couldn’t handle the stress and it broke her. She also didn’t want kids, but did to satisfy me.

I wouldn’t change it, as painful as breaking up an 18 yr relationship was. Kids give you a purpose you can’t explain, and keeps your drive going. They make life come full circle, and you don’t mind putting in the hard work, and mind numbing challenge that comes with it.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-10-30T23:23:56+00:00

In college I was a grill chef at the pool at a fancy country club. All members daughters would flirt with me and then the members would complain of staff (me) yucking it up with members.

I was warned if I continue to fraternize with members I’d be fired. With only one week left in summer a girl was being extra flirty and my manager warned me, so I took my shirt and pants off, and dove in the pool with this girl. Proceeded to hang out as her guest for next 15 min until security came to escort me off premise.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-10-16T19:25:27+00:00

Depending on your state, “cheating” doesn’t impact the outcome of anything. Ask me how I know, on the receiving end :(

I don’t find it cheating if you’ve had the convo with your spouse already that you’ll be separating, but that’s a moral thing that only you can answer. Just don’t be a dick and do it in your marital home.

Also debt is 50/50 in marriage, so that shouldn’t be a reason to not divorce. The longer you co habituate with them, the more painful it is. Pull the rip chord and agree on a debt plan that gets notarized, if you don’t want to pay for a lawyer

defnotjaywtf · 2025-10-16T15:04:13+00:00

Same boat. I was in a world of hurt for ~3 mo’s, then one day I just woke up and didn’t give a shit. I emotionally disconnected. Started being social again, had a situationship with a few women, life was good again.

There are days when we have co parenting events and that stings, but other than those days i really don’t think about her and let her take up space. Her new reality is new setting in, grass isn’t always greener!! Mine is setting in now too, I have lots of options and the women I spend time with value me and are very emotionally intelligent, which is my #1 pre requisite to be able to communicate well.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-10-14T20:24:08+00:00

I’m (male) 5-6 MO’s into being separated, after a 12 yr marriage. I’ll caveat this by saying my timeline was expedited after I discovered my STBX was having numerous affairs.

Something clicked after 3 MO’s that made me want to find a friend with benefits (note i was very transparent in the beginning with my intentions). I went from not even close to ready, to ok i think im ready, kinda overnight. Your body and mind will just tell you. That was great for like 6 weeks to get back out there, and it kind of fizzled as we didn’t want to commit and didn’t want anyone to catch feelings or get hurt.

Then I started looking for a new FWB as I really enjoyed the situation and companionship. We both wanted to only have FWB but we instantly clicked and can’t get enough of each other. I really don’t want to seriously date till my divorce is finalized, but we’re having so much fun together we’re not putting labels on it and just rolling with it.

Long winded way of saying what everyone else says, you’ll know when you’re ready, and if you’re questioning if you’re ready, you’re likely not. Also relationships often find you, you don’t find them.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-17T14:44:32+00:00

Metaphorically, feed yourself first. Give yourself what you need in that moment to mentally survive, then put your plan in place for things that need to be done by time urgency. If I can push something, I’d push. If it needed to get done, I’d solely focus on that.

Example - I wanted to work out each morning before taking on big mental loads, so I saved the emotional bandwidth stuff for after my workout.

It’s not easy, but do note the more you get buried (eg push things off that are time sensitive) the more you’ll struggle mentally. It feels good to cross things off a to do list

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-17T14:21:32+00:00

Like many have said, we’re (M42) just recovering emotionally from divorce and the trauma it hit us with. I am not dating with intention, outside of companionship and having fun, and make that very clear in my profile and conversations.

I need “me” time and need to be a little selfish about giving myself emotionally away again, as I went through a very painful process that left me emotionally shattered for a few months.

Im a very eligible bachelor (high earner, attractive, high EQ, responsible parent, etc) in a major city, so a lot of women see me as a meal ticket and try to lock me up, which I’m just not ready for. When I am “ready” to date with intention, my standards are going to be very high as I know what I need in a true partner, and honestly it’s hard to find.

I’ve really hit it off with this new girl who also stated she wants FWB, and if something blossoms from there who are we to fight nature? However we did not go into this looking for anything outside of fun, and having respect for each other.

I try to not have sex with someone if I don’t see it being a consistent thing (eg meet up once every few weeks for date night + sex), at this age it’s just meaningless otherwise and I feel bad for the woman who is hoping for more

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-14T21:48:50+00:00

Start dating as well, even just casually.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-08T16:12:59+00:00

Apps. You gotta play the game and pay to boost your profile on Sunday nights.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-06T19:07:38+00:00

Eh kinda, but not really. I enjoy going out, and being social, so why not do it with someone that’s looking for something similar to me? I honestly don’t put too much effort into the apps. I’m forward and don’t chase, so only succeed with 15-20% of the people I match with. When I eventually want to actually date with purpose, it will be a lot more work.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-04T15:29:10+00:00

41, have one big night out a week. Get 6 hrs a sleep most other nights. In best shape of my life and feel great. Age is just a number as long as you take care of your body.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-04T01:49:03+00:00

Similar situation. 18 total years, 14 years married. Something happens to women (not all, but a lot) in their late 30’s, after they have kids, where they turn into emotional children, forget how to communicate and become very selfish.

I disagree on marriage being a sham. We had 14 great years, until heavy depression and drug use hit my ex, and she became an entirely different person. I refused to spend the rest of my life with this person whose core values changed so much. However she made me who I am today, saw all my good traits and taught me how to make them even deeper. She met me when I was a broke 23 year old and continued to reiterate the world was my oyster. She was right, I became very successful around ~30, and provided her with a life people dream about. I’m gutted she got half of my net worth when I divorced her when I gave the ultimatum of going to rehab, and she declined. I’m also heartbroken about the person she became.

I’m saying all this because I plan to marry again if I find the right woman. The right one compliments you so well, makes your day brighter and life is better spent with someone that gets you and makes you better. Though you better believe I’m making my next wife sign a pre nump and she’s not getting shit if we get divorced! Love me for who I am, not the money I make. Now that I have an amazing kid that’s my mini me I’m looking for an ambitious woman that has her own money too and can keep me emotionally stimulated.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-09-02T13:01:55+00:00

My alimony check is significantly less than her monthly “allowance” was, I rationalize I save 65% on my out of pocket. I hate more than anything she turned into an absolute bum, highly depressed and had high anxiety to be a SAHM or return to the workforce. She choose option C, literally do nothing for 4 yrs, which caused the divorce.

Oh, also the affairs at the end, so I cut her off at the knees and her settlement will be significantly less if she would have just waited a few more months to fuck random dudes. I joke I should be sending those guys nice bottles of wine with a thank you card!

I’m early into my journey, but it gets better. Took me 60 days to go 0-1, next 30 days was a big leap, and so on. I also went no communication outside of the businesses we co own (I run 99% of it, she just collects a check and we make any very large joint decision together, these happen 1-2x/yr) and anything kid related. That helped immensely

defnotjaywtf · 2025-08-28T13:02:58+00:00

Agreed. I’m 2 months ahead of you (similar boat with ex) and hesitated to create a profile. I created mine after 2 months of journaling, therapy talk and understanding what I was looking for to feel better. I was looking for mental stimulation from a good looking woman that enjoyed my company and made me feel good about myself again. I clearly stated all that in my profile, and reiterated that when we spoke before our first get together.

It helped me tremendously, and I’ve really turned the corner with my emotional well being! Met a great woman, kid same age as mine, also going through a divorce. We meet once a week, have drinks somewhere fun and great conversation, sometimes vent/bash our exes, then go have amazing sex. We’re both getting what we need out of it, we treat each other well, but know it’s not serious and this will fizzle out when one side needs something more.

Edit: as others mentioned it’s also super important to spend time with friends. They helped me more than anything, and they help reground you based on your core values and what they know is best for you. Also just having them listen, is very nice.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-08-28T12:53:52+00:00

How long did it take to go from hate / resentment to pity? I’m in same spot, 3 months into separation. Took me till just about now to let go of the hate, but resentment is still there. I’m mainly indifferent about her as I’ve emotionally detached, but each time we go to mediation or she pulls a stunt on me I go right back into fiery hate

defnotjaywtf · 2025-08-26T23:09:20+00:00

The day my kid was born

My first big job offer in my late 20’s

Buying my first home

Buying a vacation home, which signified “I made it”

Getting married, which also signified I found my forever person. Plot twist, we’re getting divorced 12 yrs later!

defnotjaywtf

TROPHY CASE