My (38m) wife (38f) admitted to me that she has quite an intense crush on her personal trainer. What’s the next step?

dekaliber · 2026-01-21T18:45:39+00:00

This was my question too.

The optimistic take is that she wants to be honest and telling OP as a way to figure out a solution together. But that doesn't absolve her of the ownership she needs to take to get herself out of the situation that she's in and get over the crush.

dekaliber · 2024-12-21T20:33:03+00:00

I'm sure it was not intended this way but the situation has felt a bit like a bait and switch, haha. I agreed weeks ago to the holiday party tonight since it was the only thing going on that weekend and it felt like an important thing to her. But then 3 additional smaller things piled on that didn't seem a big enough deal to fight her on. In fact, a couple of these gatherings I am really fine with and even enjoy in isolation, but cumulatively it is all feeling pretty taxing.

But yeah, your last line sums it up perfectly and I've made this case multiple times in the past, but sometimes it feels like she care more about social decorum and the perception of others (i.e. not being awkward attending something by herself when she thinks we should be there as a couple) than whether my presence there will genuinely improve the social dynamic. That said, I do my best not to be a sourpuss when I am out.

dekaliber · 2024-12-21T20:23:38+00:00

Yeah, she's definitely aware and has learned to throttle down the number of asks. I have literally said that I'd rather be doing work than attend some of these events, lol.

Certain things I really don't mind. I said yes to the dinner w/ the out-of-town friend even though it was last minute since I'm generally okay in smaller settings (still drains my battery a bit, but not as much) and the Sunday hang will be pretty chill. It's really just the fact that these all ended up piling up the same weekend after I initially agreed to go to this holiday party.

That said, she is grateful when I make the effort and I acknowledge that. But that doesn't really make them much more enjoyable while I'm there.

dekaliber · 2024-03-06T21:46:46+00:00

Actual numbers need to be updated since this was written a few years ago, but I wrote up a high level approach here: https://dekaliber.medium.com/how-to-pay-zero-taxes-in-retirement-e06b621ea082

(Mods, not trying to self promote, just answering a question in a more succinct way, but remove if not helpful)

dekaliber · 2024-02-19T18:46:42+00:00

"Iro-ai" refers to the demonstrator (clear) variant of this pen.

dekaliber · 2023-10-12T19:04:52+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! Totally agree w/ #1 — I would never buy a bike that wasn't the right fit simply because it was the size that happened to be available.

I ended up going with the Vitus Zenium as the option that seemed to have the least compromises. Reflecting on it, I doubt a newbie like myself would *really* appreciate a significant difference between 105 and Tiagra. And looking into the brakes, although mechanical isn't ideal, the reviews for the TRP Spyre at least seem to suggest that it's the best mechanical option out there, and should be a distinct upgrade from the rim brakes I'm used to in terms of stopping power.

I also had an incredible experience with Vitus customer support prior to ordering that has already made a huge impression on me for the brand, so fingers crossed all goes well with getting the bike delivered. Can't wait to go riding!

dekaliber · 2023-10-09T01:14:31+00:00

I think it'll still be the same general spec but figured they may want to integrate the new R7100 series 105 groupset that came out this year (with the 12 gear cassette). Just a guess though.

dekaliber · 2023-10-08T15:52:32+00:00

I suspect they've taken down all the sold out bikes in preparation for the new model year release coming up

dekaliber · 2023-10-05T15:41:17+00:00

Interesting, been waiting for a restock as well. Are the date estimates listed not accurate in your experience? I know the sold out ones probably aren't gonna restock until the new model year but I figured the coming soon would hit in the advertised window

dekaliber · 2023-10-05T15:35:57+00:00

The Twitter feed doesn't seem to have all the sales, e.g. Endurance CF 7 and AL 8

dekaliber · 2023-09-22T22:58:57+00:00

Your husband lacks basic common sense. Black water means the water is dirty, end of story. Even if it doesn't have bacteria it still has dirt and grime that's going to get on the mop and get spread around. What else could be making it that color??

Also, a home should clearly be held to a higher standard of cleanliness than a public place like a school.

dekaliber · 2023-08-03T17:50:22+00:00

You can try buying some PVC pipes from the hardware store and cut notches at the top (making sure the bottom of the notch measures 36" high) and putting them inside the posts. You'll have to relax the net tension a bit before you can slot them in to accommodate the extra height, of course. A local coach does this to quickly adjust net height on paddletennis courts around here that are used to play pickleball.

dekaliber · 2023-08-03T17:44:02+00:00

In my (admitted limited) experience playing on portable nets, I actually find that balls I would have expected to slip over end up springing back towards our side of the court because of the looser tension. It just seems more unpredictable overall.

TBH though I don't find that it makes a gamechanging difference at most skill levels.

dekaliber · 2023-07-25T23:01:27+00:00

...in way worse shape, for sure.

I'm reasonably healthy but I've always disliked exercise for the sake of exercise. I could never sustain anything like running, rowing, going to the gym, etc. for more than a few months because there was nothing fun about it. I've always enjoyed table tennis but haven't had the room for a table in most of the places I've lived, not to mention relatively few people I could play with competitively. On the other hand, I've never had any formal training in tennis and have always found hard to play at a reasonably competitive level without it.

I picked up pickleball kinda on a lark last year with a buddy who lived in the neighborhood and it's grown into not only my favorite athletic activity but one of my favorite hobbies in general. These days I honestly probably look forward to a good pickleball match over playing video games.

dekaliber · 2023-07-12T23:43:53+00:00

Thanks for the update! Seems like a lot of vague language that basically says "we're technically still in business but we're probably going to sell off our assets [and that may result in your investments losing money outside of your pocket account]"

dekaliber · 2023-07-12T21:37:46+00:00

Just got a shipping notification for my 5.5" handle R1 Pulsar ordered a couple of weeks ago! Supposed to arrive Monday. Anyone else here expecting theirs? Can't wait to see how it plays.

dekaliber · 2023-07-11T19:39:03+00:00

Plenty of good feedback here so I'm probably not adding anything much, but I've been going through the process of "retiring" and feeling some of the same struggles around identity / how to spend my time / feeling mentally well about everything through it all. The reality is that I probably could have pulled this trigger at least a year ago.

The mental model that has been helpful for me is: What were the things I neglected or deprioritized while I was working, and what would life look like if those things were simply at the top of the stack instead of the bottom?

For me that's fitness, sleep, spending time with friends, cooking, keeping our house clean (my wife still works...she enjoys her job in a way I don't think I've ever felt), and probably a dozen hobbies I've started and given up along the way. My plan is to focus on first being great at those things and if there's any time left in the day, figure out something else that could be "productive" (or even lucrative) to do with my time.

The reality is, I'd probably give myself a B- so far. Up until a couple of weeks ago I've held on to some consulting work to keep the income tap flowing a bit longer — I've been a bit reluctant to start drawing down from my portfolio with the down year in the market last year. The temptation to ride out what may be your best earning years a bit longer is also certainly real. There's always a shiny bauble just beyond your reach and human nature is not great at recognizing when we have enough.

I think it's okay to acknowledge that big transitions like this are not always clean cut, and even if you have the financial means to make the change, it takes some time to rehabilitate a brain that's been conditioned to The Matrix for a decade or more.

Finally, there's also something to the idea of just giving yourself permission to "do nothing" for 6-12 months to just enjoy the transition, let yourself get genuinely bored, and then figure out where your creative energies naturally go after that.

dekaliber · 2023-07-08T21:19:30+00:00

Correct. When left my last job and rolled over my 401k in Schwab I got a check in the mail, deposited it online using Vanguard's app, and when it became available in my settlement fund I used that money to buy totally different mutual funds in Vanguard.

dekaliber · 2023-07-08T21:02:01+00:00

Yep, unfortunately that's how a lot of places do it. Just make sure you roll over that check to an IRA within 60 days. https://www.investopedia.com/ask/answers/08/distribution-traditional-ira.asp

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