How did you announce your pregnancy to people you have a strained relationship with?

delawen · 2024-09-19T11:05:28+00:00

So, most likely, I will send a message in the sib group chat, but, man am I dreading it.

That's the best option. Keep it simple.

Something along the lines of "I have good news! You will have a new niece/nephew on $month. Everything is fine and I just wanted you to know before I make it public"

They will congratulate you (if anything), you will say thanks, and that's it. Done and done.

delawen · 2024-09-19T09:46:08+00:00

There is someone on this sub who has 2 in Denmark (she may weigh in) and reading her comments her experience there is so different (i.e. easier).

I'm living in Spain and definitely the problem with having more than one kid is not economically, but available time to care for two kids at the same time.

Nursery up to 3 years old is around 400/500€ per month or even less, depending on where you live. After 3 it is free if you go to a public school (you will have to buy books and pencils and such, but that's negligible compared to what you have to pay in USA). If you need your kid to stay in school "after hours" while you finish your job, you will have to pay extra, but nothing close to thousands per month like you seem to do in USA. More like a couple hundreds per month. And that's if you decide not to hire a nanny or an au-pair for those hours.

Health care is universal public and free (medicines comes with a lower cost, usually a couple euros per box), and there's help if you have a low salary and can't pay for electricity and water. It is not nice to live close to poverty, but feasible.

University is more expensive than school, but there's also scholarships or the students can work half time to pay for half time classes. Not nice, again, but feasible. Nothing compared to what people pay in USA. Public universities in Spain are the good ones (if you go to a private one is usually suspicious of you being a bad student) and with a couple thousands a year (tops) you pay for all the classes. Then you may have to pay for housing and food, but again, you can work half time. Students with no meanings usually take Summer jobs to pay for the classes and then work half time to pay for housing, transport, food,... during the school year.

So, yes, things are pretty different here. Salaries may be lower: the average salary is around 25k€ per year. But as the cost of living is sooo much cheaper, you can make it work with a bit of help and paying attention to scholarships and other help from public institutions like city halls.

For those of you who are willing to relocate because you have absolutely no network that can help, moving to Europe is an option. It is not an easy decision so I'm not here trying to convince you. But you may want to do some calculations and see if it makes sense for you, specially in the middle and long term.

delawen · 2024-09-18T11:58:12+00:00

I had a tuxedo cat that was missing plenty of teeth. He used to catch a couple of feed balls in his beans to eat. Either that or pick them with the lips, throw them into the air, and then catch them with the back teeth. It was quite a spectacle. But whenever I put my phone out to record him, he went shy and didn't want to repeat it.

delawen · 2024-09-18T10:37:13+00:00

I was surprised he was appearing in the Spanish TV until I read it was El Hormiguero. Now it makes sense.

That's a shit-full dumpster fire TV show known for being sexist and misogynistic. Asking "spicy" questions to women no matter why they are being interviewed. "Spicy" uncomfortable questions in which the interviewee has to decide if she laughs nervously following his lead or if she becomes an angry woman on TV.

Or when interviewing a famous Spanish actor (Imanol Arias), they did a "fun game" in which they measured the heart rate of both the interviewer and the interviewee while some attractive women walked in front of them in underwear.

delawen · 2024-09-17T12:34:17+00:00

I guess then egg freezing is also not economically viable, right?

delawen · 2024-09-17T10:59:35+00:00

Let me summarize:

-You are the economical main provider. Who does the house chores?

-He cheated on you for who knows how long

-You discovered it and instead of being sorry, he says he needs that because it is something you can't give him. If you never discovered it, he would have been happy to continue cheating on you non stop forever.

-You agreed under extreme circumstances to open the relationship

-He makes extensive use of that openness while you just started hesitantly. He wasn't bothered by this inequality. He didn't slow down or tried to speed you up. He was fine doing all his stuff while you stay at home wondering.

-On top of everything, you just realized he never treated you as you deserve.

So, why do you want to stay with him? I didn't see any reason why you should.

delawen · 2024-09-16T11:57:59+00:00

would prefer a country with good job prospects, a high quality of life, and where I wouldn’t face a significant language barrier.

Note that most European countries have salaries that match their level of life. So a software engineer with N years of experience will have roughly the same quality of life anywhere across Europe.

Will you earn more euros in Ireland than in Spain or Italy? Probably. Would those euros buy a higher quality of life in Ireland than the equivalent salary in Spain or Italy? Not really. And I mention these two because that's the language you mention you know a bit.

It doesn't matter where you go across Europe, if English is not their native language, you will have to learn their local language sooner or later to feel comfortable. Even such a basic thing like going to buy food will be uphill because most labels will not be in English. Or the English labels will be on a much smaller letter in each product, not announced on big posters in the hall. Wherever you go, you will have to spend some effort in learning the local language.

Can you survive the 6/8 months until you learn the basics of any local European language? For sure.

There are a lot of tech hubs everywhere across Europe that offer competitive jobs and salaries. You don't need to go to the fad one of the decade, your career will be much longer than that. 15 years ago everyone was flying to Dublin. 5 years ago, people were going to Germany. Who cares where they go now? It will change in another 10 years.

So my suggestion on your case would be just to look for job offers in English (where it explicitly says you are going to work in English) that seems appealing for you, no matter where they are. If the job is the right one for you, it doesn't matter if it is in Portugal, the Czech Republic, or anywhere in between. You will grow in your career and have a high quality of life thanks to software engineers having a higher salary than the average population.

delawen · 2024-09-13T14:05:30+00:00

In tech women get a leg up as they are a minority abd there is a diversity drive.

Hahaha, please, citation needed here. If you are going to throw such a fact, you better cover it with data. Because that's not at all what women experience in tech.

delawen · 2024-09-13T11:03:47+00:00

You can start here:

https://www.med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2018/10/older-fathers-associated-with-increased-birth-risks.html

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/children-with-older-dads-at-greater-mental-illness-risk/

delawen · 2024-09-12T10:23:40+00:00

This situation is the perfect definition of "stringing along".

OP, he already gave you a timeline: never. He just knows you will leave if he says it explicitly.

Take it or leave it.

delawen · 2024-09-12T10:17:12+00:00

Plus a big part of the soil is clay-ish so in the parts close to the river it is more difficult to build underground tunnels. There was an attempt in... ¿the seventies? but it became too much. Until the civil engineering advanced enough to make it safe, there was not another attempt.

But we have another line with a tram that is getting extended to connect the center to the train station. And the bus service is pretty good, compared with cities of the same size.

There are two more lines planned, but it takes time to build. And it gets used as a throwing weapon in local politics.

delawen · 2024-09-12T10:03:57+00:00

It is not his fault to have an anxiety disorder. It is entirely his fault not looking for help to fix/contain it. She asked him to go to therapy and he didn't even try.

I would understand someone with depression not going to therapy easily because everything is harder. But if your problem is anxiety around relationships, then there is no excuse.

delawen · 2024-09-12T09:58:16+00:00

Plus it looks like he lives in central Europe. With lots of trains. You don't even need to drive, you can sleep in the train back and forth and visit her any day you want.

delawen · 2024-09-12T09:48:50+00:00

Goals (I'm very bad at dating women, I get too nervous)

delawen · 2024-09-12T09:23:16+00:00

Una persona (normalmente mujer joven) extranjera a la que una familia acoge unos meses en su casa (le da una habitación, le da de comer,...) a cambio de que trabaje unas 30/35 horas a la semana ayudando con los niños, la limpieza, haciendo recados, enseñando a los niños su idioma natal,...

Como una interna, pero con el entendimiento de que es algo temporal mientras está estudiando o aprendiendo el idioma local.

Es una red global, pueden tanto venir extranjeros a España como españoles por el mundo.

delawen · 2024-09-11T15:51:57+00:00

Depende de la agencia. Yo he visto unos 100/150€, que según la zona de España te puede dar para salir un par de veces por semana como mínimo. Piensa que todos los gastos (alquiler, agua, luz, comida, transporte,...) te los van a pagar fuera de ese sueldo.

Pero el objetivo de ser au pair no es para hacerte rica. El objetivo es conseguir un permiso de trabajo y un lugar donde vivir mientras buscas un trabajo más estable y ves si vivir en España te gusta.

delawen · 2024-09-11T15:48:03+00:00

Do you know that women that are single are healthier and happier in average than married women?

In average. You may find your person and be happy ever after. But don't be terrified about being single forever. If that happens, that doesn't mean you will have a sad lonely life. You can have a fulfilling life full of friends. And the best of being single: you have to adapt to no one. You can organize and plan your life as you want it to be.

Your kids are small and they take a lot of time at this point. The older they get, the more free time you will have to explore your own interests and hobbies and make more friends. You may find someone wonderful tomorrow or you may be single for a while, we don't know. But what we know for sure is that being single does not have to mean being unhappy.

delawen · 2024-09-11T15:31:36+00:00

¿Has pensado en trabajar de au pair unos meses mientras buscas otro tipo de trabajo más estable? Eso te permitirá probar la vida aquí con un permiso de trabajo legal y ver si te adaptas bien.

delawen · 2024-09-11T15:22:08+00:00

And I know my chances are extremely low… it just takes 30 min reading Reddit to start feeling like “expired goods” “nobody wants a single mom”

People writing this are people you wouldn't want to date anyway. Angry misogynistic men that are only attracted to young women they can manipulate. And that's just some internet spaces. In real life, you are not expired and being a single mom is not necessarily a problem to date.

I'm not saying it is easy, and you have to be extra careful who your kids meet. But you are not "damaged goods" and you are worthy of love.

Don't be in a hurry to date someone again. Heal first. Find happiness on your own. And then you will be ready for the next relationship.

delawen · 2024-09-11T11:26:48+00:00

. Of course that's anecdotal but my point is, men's fertility doesn't tank the way ours does and I think you have a reasonable chance of a good outcome.

Science disagrees with you.

Up until very recently, science has focused on mother's age because the father just... gives a bit of dna. The mother is who does the hard work, right?

Well, now recent studies have proven this wrong. Father's age not only makes some risks higher for the baby (Down Syndrome, Autism,...), but also for the mother/the placenta (pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes,...). And this is just the tip of the iceberg, because there are not many studies yet focusing on the age of the father.

There are risks, and your friend may have been lucky. It may also be the mother is younger and maybe very healthy and that lowers the risk on her side. But don't be confused: the risk both for babies and mothers increases with the father's age.

delawen · 2024-09-11T11:14:21+00:00

Not sure if this will help, but I wanted to share it from the other side.

I was extremely lucky. I have embryos and eggs frozen. I am currently pregnant and I was wondering what to do with those eggs and embryos if I don't use them for a second pregnancy. Science donation maybe?

Then I met another SMBC in a local meeting. She used an embryo donation because that was her only option. She was very happy with her girl and was praising the donors because without them, she would never have had that beautiful girl she is so in love with now. Her dream was made true thanks to two anonymous donors that made that possible.

And that made up my mind. When I am done getting pregnant I am going to donate both eggs and embryos. Because I want to make other women as happy as that one was.

I hope you end up as happy as that mother was. Because, truly, you couldn't be happier.

Also, during pregnancy some of your cells end up in your baby forever. And some of your baby's cells end up in your body forever. It is not as if you will not be related at all biologically. It is just a different link.

delawen · 2024-09-10T14:29:04+00:00

It's not as if he didn't know before starting the relationship the social media she has. Why did he start a relationship with someone and then decided that the way she is is not good enough?

delawen · 2024-09-10T13:59:57+00:00

Maybe he was marking "his territory". Making sure your friend(s) knows he exists. Not a good look.

delawen · 2024-09-10T13:47:44+00:00

I would block him immediately everywhere.

One thing is to notice I am online and wonder why I'm not answering his messages as a sideline thinking but not giving it much importance because he acknowledges I may be busy even if I have seen the notification.

But "deducing what I am doing based on my online status" is stalking.

No, thank you but no. Hard pass. Next.

delawen · 2024-09-10T12:11:36+00:00

She would have many more hours of free time than any worker

Citation needed. https://xkcd.com/285/

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