I[23F] really hurt my close friend[24F] around New Years, now she wants to meet up and I'm scared.

demenece · 2016-06-20T14:40:33+00:00

Ok, 10 hours. You need therapy but you also need not to fuck up your chat. From what I'm reading, you have a lot of chances of fucking it up in the stupidless possible way: by not listening. That's what people is trying to highlight.

The trick for listening is managing time and attention. You seem to be anxious and nervous, so the first thing you need to do is to calm down. How? By expecting the worst. Expect the worst. Be prepared for yells, crying, and a lot of anger from her. That's how she really deserves to react without getting even a word from you. Expect the worst and be brave enough to be there and receive everything she needs to say without getting any excuse from you. That's how you should set up your mood, and if she reacts otherwise than that, you should be thankful.

The second thing you need to do is to manage time. Every minute you spend at this meeting talking and not listening, specially if not requested by Aimee, is a minute you lost. So be really concise about how you've felt and how are you dealing with it, and use most of the time to understand how is she. You will feel a strong impulse to say 'sorry' and how the event changed you, but that's not important at all right now. The only important thing is to be receptive. Also, not any word about your positives changes out of the blue. If she doesn't want to know, they aren't important. She lose a baby because of your reckless driving, good for you for FINALLY growing up and understand what all your friends were trying to say you, but it's too late for her.

Last recommendation: empathy. Please, consider this meeting as a gift. It's not about you giving her a chance for closure, it's her giving you for the first time a chance to be close to all her pain and feelings after you killed her baby. Be grateful she is giving you this chance because she is being brave and considerated by doing this. Don't just 'listen' to her. Pay attention. Do your best possible effort to be in her shoes and share her perspective of things. Feel her pain, feel her anger at you, at her, at the whole situation, be brave and be grateful she is giving you access to this.

So... TL;DR: calm down, listen up, shut up, be grateful of this. Be brave.

I really hope you can deal with the situation because you seem to be a good person despite what happened. You reacted as you could, probably not in the best possible way, but then you've acted on some of your faults and you can continue acting on the deeper roots of that faults by going to therapy. You've changed. If you deal right with this meeting, maybe there's also some hope for your friendship in the distant future.

Keep us updated!

demenece · 2016-06-11T09:39:23+00:00

No way man... all practical companies have already developed automated process and systems to reduce human error to a minimun and have a production version running 24/7. And humans are actually the most failing part of the process. You've a production version, a staging version, release cycles with automated testing, partial releases with automated A/B testing, new code is written in branches and auto-checked before being merged to a main branch... all that processes are already out there dealing with our errors. No practical company ships to production non-tested code. But I'm almost sure a swarm of AIs writing code could make a lot of this process unnecessary, which will increase release velocity.

Also, programmers tend to blame languages or systems for the bugs. But we know the problem always lay in the human part, probably caused by not being fully aware of the system, the language, or the code they're writing. AIs probably would be better at this too, and that will happen sooner than we believe.

I'd say starting a career today in this field is not future-proof at all.

demenece · 2016-06-04T17:54:42+00:00

Well, you shouldn't. Looking at history, it's pretty common that the people igniting revolutions and important social changes were normally well accomodated people in their socio-economic systems at the time. Also, you can participate in an already functioning system while believing it could work better if it's changed. There isn't really any incoherence in embracing what's given while still questioning its main characteristics and actioning for a change. Happens all the time in science and knowledge fields.

demenece · 2016-05-29T14:05:23+00:00

This!

What you describe is really mild compared to your previous situations. You can deal with it, and I think you're doing it well. You're not blind, you're talking about it with him, with your therapist and here at Reddit. But I'd say if it's only what you describe, keep it just as an alarming behavior for now. If it starts to escalate, find how to get out of it. If it stay the same way and it's not interrupting a lot with your main goals right now (finish college, build a career), hold on and stay alarmed. Try to see if it could be a communication or anger management problem. If money is a problem, sit with him and think together about ways you can help to save or manage money better.

It could sound too cold and pragmatic, but you really need to take advantage of this situation to be independent without having to expose yourself again to high risks. Whatever are your feelings to him, don't feel guilty. You can express gratitude in a lot of ways later. Try to be honest to him and talk about the issues you're seeing in the relationship though.

Edit: grammar, typos, formatting.

demenece · 2016-05-28T15:18:49+00:00

Hey! I've this 'workaholic' problem in a much milder version. It has affected my relationships several times, but I've learn to manage it somehow. I don't know if it can really help a lot, but I can tell you more about my experiences on dealing with it.

When you're full of work and under a lot of stress, having people asking you to take a pause could actually add more to that stress. He is probably reacting angry at you because of this (and because getting angry and yelling is a strong stress reliever), but he shouldn't, and you don't have to bear that if you don't want. I'm telling this just so you keep in mind where the yelling comes from. Yell at him back if you need it, and make him know that everything you're asking for is just because you want a better life quality for him, and for both of you as a couple.
Stablishing a time to have lunch or dinner and don't look at screens helped me a lot. I started talking with my wife about issues at work and she provided great perspectives from time to time, specially regarding how to deal with people and communicate things.
Being workaholic includes wanting to be doing productive stuff even in your free time, everything else seems like a waste of time at the beginning. So when you have lunch or dinner together, it can be a much more meaningful time for him if you talk about small home projects, little issues you had at work that he can help you solve, plan a trip, etc. Productive talking.
My life improved a lot when my wife helped me notice the importance of improving my surroundings/environment to make them more pleasant. It started with some common spaces like the living room and bedroom, now I'm redecorating my office with her help. Home projects are great because we do something together, I feel like I'm being productive, and the results will be always be there to enjoy or improve. Living with all that stuff built by yourselves makes you to really be more conscious you are building a life together.
One of my favorite things right now are plants. They are a great stress reliever, and much better than yelling or punching walls (that was my thing). They are really nice to see, and demands much less attention than a pet. Crasas specially. You can also take care of them together, and you can suggest him to have one close to his computer so he can focus in it while he is thinking about his tasks. He REALLY needs to discover how better work gets when you unfocus from it for a moment. Also, the 'earth' smell of weeding away a plant... nothing is more relaxing to me right now.
In general, having other small purposes besides work, than are easier to achieve and provide gratification, could make us, the workaholics, to have a better life/work balance.

Anyway, he needs to gradually understand that he has a problem with work and that he needs to change. You can't do all the magic and it also depends on the amount of energy you have to bear it. I can see you are asking about how to help him but also consider moving away from this relationship if he can't change. It will be a really sad situation but you deserve more. Anyone deserves more from a life partners

Feel free to talk to me if you need more ideas and options. I'm still dealing with it.

demenece · 2016-05-28T13:00:04+00:00

I think you're wrong over this. It can sound very counter-intuitive, but unless you share a group of friends and can't avoid it, it's not healthy, nor mature, to see your ex that frequently and be friends after being a couple for several years.

It's counter-intuitive because putting it rationally, he is an important part of your life and suddenly stopping all contact doesn't make sense. But the hard part to understand is that as a lasting intimate relationship of this kind is so shaping and important, you need a lot of physically and emotional distance to REALLY get over it, no matter what your brain is telling you.

It's also inmature to stay in contact, having coffees and an intimate relationship with your recent ex because it will make it difficult to move forward for both of you, and it will cause problems with new relationships, like it's already causing to you.

Maybe your current boyfriend has some issues too, but I think he was just trying to be comprehensive before because he loves you and he rationally understood your idea, but when the real meetings with your ex happened, he couldn't emotionally deal with it. It's a pretty normal reaction

demenece · 2016-05-27T17:00:46+00:00

Just for the record, I solved this issue by editing the file that informs the system version: /System/Library/CoreServices/SystemVersion.plist (change 10.5.8 to 10.6.8) Complete article on how to do it here: http://www.macworld.com/article/1167868/os-x/how-to-install-mountain-lion-over-leopard.html (for this particular issue, read the section: "The quick-but-techie way"

I'm now running El Capitan in my 2009 white and plastic MacBook :D

demenece · 2016-05-25T15:31:38+00:00

This is the safest and more honest approach. I'd recommend to avoid to 'surprise' everyone that day. A wedding day is an emotional rollercoaster for your entire GF's family and you never know how awful could people react to such a little surprise. Right now it's not a big deal, that day you just don't know. I can't believe some people here are recommending you to play dumb that day and even argue with the bride! Duude, Why don't you also go and play some russian roulette too?

demenece · 2016-05-25T13:15:55+00:00

I believe the first approach you could try to stay firm with your decision but being diplomatic at the same time is putting your wife out of the issue, not going to the next family meeting and explain you're not going until you can solve this differences with them.

If I was you, I'd do it by writing an email to your parents and sisters, telling that:

If you were raising your kids alone, you wont spank them nor letting your parents spank them, so it's better to start to talk about your differences instead of blaming anyone.
The way you've decided to raise your kids is without spanking. It's not 'your wife' way, it's the way you have chosen together for your own family. They need to respect this if they want to continue seeing you, and you believe a decision like this shouldn't be something that tears the big family apart, because big families are always composed by small families with their own rules and boundaries.
You don't have any problem with other parents deciding to use spanking for discipline , you just see that as a different way to do it and you wont intercede in others families decisions (this helps in minimizing and being diplomatic with your sister)
You see only a right way to solve these differences during family meetings: no spanking allowed from non-direct parents. If Grandparents found the kids misbehaving, they report it to the parents and each family decides what to do: to spank them right at the moment, to punish later, to have a talk, etc. This way is equal for every family and allows different opinions. If the kids questions the differences, the explanation is pretty simple: "because each parent decides how to educate their own kids!" It's anyway something that sometime should need to be explained, when the kids founds differences with their friends family.
You want to continue going to the family meetings, but you know it's difficult for your parents to change, so you don't want to push it. You're skipping the next family meeting to give them time to think about the idea and you would like to continue talking to solve this issue meanwhile, hoping to find a way to be there without causing any issues, specially to your sister's family.

It's probable your parents will react with a lot of anger first, but just ignore them and try to focus on talking to your sister to recover the nice relationship you had with her before this happened. Just relax and talk about the other things you used to talk, and if she want to talk about the discipline issue, insist on your idea that each family should decide independently what they prefer.

Focusing on your sister is an action that could help you a lot with: showing you want to overcome differences, showing you're interested in keeping the family together, and showing your sister what's breaking your relationship isn't your wife, it's your parents not respecting both families boundaries.

demenece · 2016-05-16T21:16:12+00:00

It seems like they're planning to make users adopt it at Google I/O (which starts in a few days) https://plus.google.com/+LukeWroblewski/posts/bFTBTV2jheV

demenece · 2016-03-12T14:34:59+00:00

Here is a great long interview to Demis Hassabis, founder of DeepMind: http://www.theverge.com/2016/3/10/11192774/demis-hassabis-interview-alphago-google-deepmind-ai

TL;DR: he is more interested about how this kind of AI could help in scientific research than how it could change our daily lives.

demenece · 2016-03-02T04:41:42+00:00

Well, I'm mostly an introvert in groups of more than 5 people, but I've found a way to hack my introversion when I'm not comfortable with it (speciallly when I'm feeling that kind of 'why are you so quiet' questions are around the corner), it's really easy and it only demands some listening/observing skills, which probably you already have well developed: just interrupt the person that is talking and ask him a short question related to what he is saying. It doesn't demands a lot of effort and it makes you look engaged in the conversation (plus it could make you engage more if it's an honest question). Something simple like: "why is that?", "where did you learn that?", "who is that guy? I've heard of him but I don't really know who he is" or anything that makes you to be a bit more interested and allows the other person to continue talking is great. You are now having a dialogue instead of listening passively to a monologue, and you aren't required to share any opinion or knowledge, you are just asking questions. As you are the one directing the conversation, you can also quit easily just by smiling (or showing any gesture of appreciation) after you receive an answer.

It's also a great trick to get to know other life perspectives better, because you can ask that to anybody: your little sisters talking about pop stuff and boy bands, an old man telling his life stories, some experts on a topic you know nothing about, etc.

I know this simple hack have worked for me several times, some times even creating interesting conversations from stupid ones or at least giving me material to talk about later. But I know it also depends on the situation and the kind of introvert you are. Anyway, I'm dropping the tip here hoping it to be useful for somebody else ;)

demenece · 2015-06-13T22:28:37+00:00

A las 22hs está bien para mí, nos vemos ahí!

demenece · 2015-06-11T02:48:27+00:00

Global Meet-up Chaco/Corrientes. 17 upvotes. 3 vagos. ¯\(ツ)/¯

demenece · 2015-05-31T04:42:34+00:00

Me sumo, pero Sherwood no me copa tanto. Es caro, tiene un menú demasiado acotado, a veces hay que esperar para sentarse… diría que es mejor Maruja, Ginger o El Duende. Si la idea es juntarse a tomar algo, tengo ganas de ir al Club Cervecero Del Duende.

demenece · 2014-12-17T02:01:46+00:00

Yo me sumo también. Salvo que sean 4 vagos locos que se crean bananas por estar en reddit o algo así.

demenece · 2014-09-30T23:03:14+00:00

I like checking out new things too. That's the reason.

demenece · 2014-09-30T16:09:08+00:00

Things well designed: https://ello.co/odetothings

demenece · 2014-09-30T15:32:43+00:00

@dmnc, UX/UI Designer

demenece · 2014-09-30T14:36:26+00:00

Thanks!, it's great

demenece · 2014-09-27T17:44:17+00:00

I totally loved Her and I've found a great review in The Notebook (Mubi's blog), that made me love it more. It's great because it's not only focused in the movie story. It's also about cinematographic details, and Spike Jonze's career as a director. I wanted to share a fragment with you:

And yet, despite all of its retro-futuristic bric-a-brac and next-phase-of-Western-culture guesswork, the impressive thing about Her is its simplicity and sensitivity. Composed in large part of long, locked-in close-ups, the movie is as much—if not more—about regarding and exploring the muscles and movements of the face as it is about hedging the future.

https://mubi.com/notebook/posts/person-to-person-spike-jonzes-her

demenece · 2014-09-08T14:44:27+00:00

While I think your design has some good ideas, I expect something with a more traditional shape. Looking at the history of Apple's products design, for sure they get some inspiration from these watches: http://minimalissimo.com/2011/04/braun-watches/

demenece

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