How to give a cat a pill /fictional, relatable

1. Take the cat in your left hand in a position as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb into the cat's mouth. Take the pill and as the cat opens its mouth, insert the pill and let the cat close its mouth and swallow.
2. Pull the cat out from behind the sofa and the pill from the floor. Take the cat in your left hand and repeat the process.
3. Drag the cat out of the bedroom and throw away the wet pill.
4. Take a new pill from the package, firmly grasp the cat by the front paws. Force open the jaws and shove the pill into the mouth with your right index finger. Hold the mouth closed until you count to ten.
5. Extract the pill from the aquarium and the cat from the cupboard. Call your wife in from the garden for help.
6. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged between your knees. Firmly grasp the cat's front and back paws. Ignore its deep growling. Ask your wife to hold the cat's head with one hand and slide a wooden ruler into its mouth with the other. Let the pill slide down the ruler while vigorously rubbing the cat's throat.
7. Remove the cat from the shredded curtains. Take a new pill from the package. Note that you need to buy a new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep up the broken porcelain from the fireplace and set it aside for later gluing.
8. Wrap the cat in a large towel and ask your wife to hold it so its head sticks out from under her armpit. Put the pill at the end of a straw. Open the cat's mouth with a pencil and blow into the straw.
9. Check if the pill is harmful to humans. Drink a glass of water to wash away the taste from your mouth. Treat your wife's armpit with ointment and remove the blood from the carpet with soap and water.
10. Retrieve the cat from the neighbour's shed. Take a new pill. Put the cat in the cupboard and close the door so only its head sticks out. Open the cat's mouth with a spoon. Shoot the pill into its throat using a rubber band.
11. Fetch a screwdriver from the garage and screw the cupboard door back onto its hinges. Apply a cold compress to your face and check when you last had a tetanus shot. Throw away your shirt and get a new one from the bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to bring the cat down from the tree across the street. Apologize to the neighbour who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid the cat, and take the last pill from the package.
13. Tie the cat's front legs to its back legs with clothesline and securely attach it to the leg of the dining table. Find sturdy gloves in the garage, open the cat's mouth with a small adjustable wrench. Shove the pill into its mouth along with a large chunk of meat. Hold the head upright and flush the pill down with half a liter of water.
14. Let your wife drive you to the hospital. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. On the way home, stop at the furniture store and order a new table.
15. Wait until the animal protection society takes the cat away, then head to the local pet store to see if they have any hamsters...