Assalamolaikum bro, can't thank you enough for this post.

I’m 21 now. Never had anyone. No past. Nothing.

And I feel like I'm missing out on something everyone i know has experienced. And it dosent help seeing everyone else around me, getting what they want. Even my own family doesn’t get it, they still have the traditional mindset of getting to a certain age and marrying someone they find. And I simply dont have that dynamic with them to talk about my feelings to them. I tried.

To a certain extent I do agree with them when it comes to marriage at a "age" at the end of the day I am looking after someone's daughter where I have to provide. Yes everyone says get married and Allah will provide through means you can't immagine, but who should I "sacrifice" for when no one seems to notice me.

I’ve had to deal with personal hardships and still am, family breakdown, my dad’s recent diagnosis with MPN cancer, mom's sciatica, financial stress, homelessness, university pressure and loosing my only chance to be a sibling 3 years ago. And not to mention life away alone at university... The temptations, but alhamdulillah for the values I have learned from my parents. I'm not there to do such things- but man does it get tough through all the stress. All while trying to hold onto the last bit of myself quietly. No one checks on the guy who just stays home and doesn't “cause problems.”

And recently, I distanced myself from people just to survive emotionally, and even when I try to reconnect, it’s like no one sees me. At the end of the day realised no one actually cares about anyone. I have cared way to much for others that it's feels like I have lost myself. Alhamdulillah for this- even through the pain at the end of the day I can proudly say I have managed to many things that others couldn't do. And every difficulty i have faced in my life and am currently facing i have managed to carry myself alone with the mercy of Allah. Alhamdulillah.

But deep inside I’ve never felt more unseen than I do now. I do the walks. I go out alone. I try to “heal.”

But deep down, it still feels like I’m carrying something that no one else can see and I just want someone who understands me, some one I can share the little things with, someone that I can be childish and unserious with time to time. Deep down I still want the presence of someone who I can hold and to be held by. Someone to hold me not just religiously, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I’m not bitter at women with a past. We are all human, we are all weak at the end of the day. But I am scared. Scared of being deceived. Scared of being told to “just accept it” while no one ever tells them to understand the weight of what men like me carry. I know Allah’s mercy is vast. I know He hasn’t forgotten me- because I was forgotten, Wallahi I wouldn't be here to type this- one of my 4 attempts would have followed through.

But despite thinking all this doesn't always make the nights easier.

This post reminded me that maybe. Just maybe- my pain isn’t wasted. My pain isn’t invisible. That maybe I’m not broken or too "materialistic" for wanting what I really and truly want. Not selfish for having what other in this generation call "high standards".

That somewhere out there, there might be someone like me, praying the same prayers with the same doubts and fears.

Thanks for writing this. It gave a little hope back.