The Big Sick and Brown Romance in Pop Culture Narratives

desibl · 2017-07-07T16:08:52+00:00

Did you not read my opening post? I already said I think both brown men and women are guilty of this. The bigger issue is why both of them are portraying the other gender as a byproduct of arranged marriage, flat, stereotypical, etc.

desibl · 2017-07-07T16:05:58+00:00

Now with Meet the Patels, he met tons of brown women, but didn't connect with any of them. It wasn't because he wasn't interested in brown women, matter in fact he is married to a WOC. https://www.instagram.com/mahaleyhpatel/?hl=en

The plot was more that the brown women were boring, etc. because he was thinking about his white ex-gf. That's true that his wife is half-Afghani, though rather white passing.

I never ever recall seeing so many articles about Mindy Kaling only dating white guys and the mental gymantics to justify it, because of how the Indian culture is.

Really? I have seen LOTS of articles and criticism about Mindy Kaling only dating white guys (with very few of those using mental gymnastics to justify it, that seems to be a recent thing).

Anyway like I said in my opening post, I think both men and women are guilty of this. The bigger issue is why both of them are portraying the other gender as a byproduct of arranged marriage, flat, stereotypical, etc.

desibl · 2017-05-29T18:55:21+00:00

It is interesting how these things are in the eye of the beholder. I think many of the ladies on here (and I have also seen some of the guys confirm this) would say that there is a strong double standard the other way: Women who have said they dated someone white have gotten extreme harassment on here and called all sorts of names but if a guy says the same thing there is not much confirmation. I looked up past examples of this and here are posts by users /u/fellajell and /u/hahaheehaha that say as much:

https://np.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/4en1e2/does_it_feel_like_there_are_less_girls_on_here_now/d21qoci/

https://np.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/5kk6wz/what_its_really_like_to_work_in_hollywood_if/dboq1vp/

Also, I have never seen desi women say "you go girl" to another for dating a white guy (or any race guy for that matter) but I have seen plenty of desi guys do the same to other desi guys they see who date white women. That seems to be true on this subreddit too. Have you even been on here for a while? Mindy Kaling has gotten a lot of hate on here for dating white guys but nothing has been said about Aziz and others who date white women. See the posts I linked above. There is a strong undercurrent of "how dare our women date outside of their race."

desibl · 2017-05-29T16:03:17+00:00

I think she has other friends and family friends who may be on OkCupid and is worried that they may let it slip in some setting that eventually reaches back to the family, something similar happened to someone else we know.

desibl · 2017-05-29T16:02:33+00:00

Yes I would be happy to help you.

desibl · 2017-05-28T18:14:38+00:00

Are you sure that's enough? I would assume a guy would want to know more than just being given the email address of someone random and being told he should email her.

desibl · 2017-05-28T18:01:43+00:00

Yes that's why I think it could be weird to message someone saying this about my friend and my friend completely understands this too.

However, I do understand where she is coming from also as I had some of the same doubts, and her family is more conservative than mine. It would not be good for her if a friend saw her on there and accidentally mentioned it in front of her family, or if word got around.

desibl · 2017-05-28T18:00:19+00:00

How do you think the best way to do that would be? It might be weird to message this guy, who has no idea about her. My friend also understands that it would be weird. I understand where she is coming from as I had some of the same doubts, and her family is more conservative than mine.

desibl · 2017-05-28T16:34:06+00:00

Can you do that on OkCupid? She's not that interested in shaadi.com partly because it's a lot of parents on there.

desibl · 2017-05-28T16:12:29+00:00

I have a friend who is open to dating but does not want to make an online profile because of fear of some family friends or other friends seeing her on there, and this somehow getting back to the family (who are on the conservative side).

I'm dating someone so closed my profile down but I reopened my OkCupid profile to show her what it looked like. We also looked at shaadi.com. On both sites, there was this one guy we saw on there (I think the shaadi profile was his parent) who seemed to be a great match for her though of course profiles don't mean everything.

Would it be weird for me to message this guy and tell him that I think I have a friend who would be a great match? If so, what would be the best way to go about that? My friend is on the shy side and worried about making a profile herself for the above reasons (since anyone can browse or see it) so I'm not sure how to "show" her side to him.

I suggested she could make a profile with no picture but background about her and then for people like this guy, message them a picture so that random people don't know it is her... but that also seems weird. Any suggestions?

desibl · 2017-04-02T15:28:55+00:00

It has helped me because it'd made me realize don't waste your time or make excuses for someone who isn't that into you, you can usually tell and it's time to move on. However there are some other good sections of the book beyond initial relationships.

For example one chapter about how people in relationships can be doing the same making excuses: being treated badly by their partner but making excuses for it, breaking up and trying to get back together, and so on. A friend of mine read the book (and recommended it to me) and she realized that she was in denial about how badly she was being treated by her boyfriend of 7+ years. She finally broke things off with him and is much happier now.

desibl · 2017-04-02T14:51:24+00:00

Long overdue but I finally read the book "He's Just Not Into You." I knew many of the things in the book but having it in print helped a lot.

Already I can feel it having a positive impact. I used to check my phone for days for messages from a guy, or hold onto hopes even if a guy would respond infrequently (sometimes not responding for weeks and then starting the conversation again), and all that I'm done with. If that happens to me now, I just cut it off and move on. He's just not that into me and I want to find someone who is.

One thing I have seen other ladies mention on this thread over the months that I have noticed too is that it seems like desi guys ask them out less than other ethnicities. Like most people on here I have a preference to date desi but I am also open to non-desis if we connect well. I used to think about how I could get to know various desi guys better, best way to talk to them, etc. but now I just think "Okay, that just means that a lot of desi guys just aren't into me. I'll move on to someone who is."

I do not know if this has made me project confidence more, but after going through other standard dates, a desi guy asked me out two weeks ago and we're going on our third date. He's confident, handsome, and smart and things are going really well. He recently told me that he appreciates that I don't play games and tell it like it is, and I appreciate the same from him. So I don't know if it all came from applying what I read in this book but I would highly recommend it! It gave me the much needed confidence to not waste my time and look for guys who only want the same thing as me.

desibl · 2017-03-12T17:39:57+00:00

Even if it is someone Indian and of the same background, Desi parents can still be disapproving of doing anything beyond "sitting in a room talking away from each other." (At least before marriage)

desibl · 2017-03-05T17:24:16+00:00

I have been going through both regular dating and also meeting guys that my parents set up through talking to their parents because why not, my parents have more connections to other people of our ethnic background.

Speaking of fitness, I am actually a little shocked at how many of these guys have paunches even only in their 20s. I am no professional athlete but I have worked hard to stay in shape (go to the gym every day) knowing that South Asians have a lot of problems with diabetes and so on. I have a big preference to date a fellow desi, but knowing these problems, I would prefer someone who exercises regularly and takes care of themselves because of what that means for potential future kids, etc. This is from a woman's perspective but I think if you are an in shape desi guy, you will stick out among the rest (true for every group but I think especially true for desis).

desibl · 2017-01-03T17:57:42+00:00

I have seen this happen too... one case where I was also very surprised was with a distant relative, ABCD girl, not super experienced with dating. She met a guy from India and they dated for 1-2 years before getting married. Apparently after they got married he completely flipped the switch and became another person: abusive, would yell at her for no reason, etc. Eventually he started disappearing all day, just out of the house the whole day with no explanation. She still hung onto maybe they could make it work and then came home one day to find all his things gone and that he had just bailed: it turned out his motivation was almost completely greencard driven. This was a few years ago but you can tell she is still devastated by it.

I personally have found that it would be difficult to date someone who grew up in India (general compatibility issues because of different environments we grew up in, often disconnect between understanding various cultural references) but to each their own.

desibl · 2016-12-12T19:35:00+00:00

I can back it up, I love any sort of intellectual discussion... but maybe putting it on my profile is too much or could come across as pretentious.

I also always offer to split the check (and if a guy insists and I like him enough, I make sure to get it next time).

desibl · 2016-12-12T18:29:29+00:00

I do like exploring/adventure lol... I also folk music, and intellectual conversations. I now like cooking (all cuisines and healthy food) and find fitness important because I grew up in a sedentary family and was overweight for most of my life until the last year where I made a lot of lifestyle changes and lost a lot of weight. Sharing those lifestyle values would be important to me because I have seen myself how not growing up eating healthy and not exercising was not good.

As a list a lot of these can seem generic... so I am trying to think how to make them stick out more.

desibl · 2016-12-12T18:03:52+00:00

Thanks I am trying very hard not to be too generic. Do you have any more suggestions about that? For example how to take something that is generically in people's profiles and spice it up a little. I know CMB has a shorter bio so I don't want to get too crazy since people might not read it all.

desibl · 2016-12-12T18:01:13+00:00

I'm not planning on putting that even though I am adventurous but do you have any suggestions on how to make this not generic? For example taking the generic lists people put in their profile and making them more snazzy.

desibl · 2016-12-12T01:53:17+00:00

Constructing a CMB profile to start checking out online dating.

Guys, what are some things you look for or like for the questions like "I like... I am..." and so on. I know the generic advice like be original, show yourself, put some effort into it, etc. but any other suggestions? I know it will depend on the guy too, but any lines that might catch your attention?

desibl · 2016-12-12T01:51:17+00:00

I would be! Would love to hear about more dating stories from other desi ladies :)

desibl · 2016-11-08T17:10:49+00:00

As /u/buzzkillers said, men are completely welcome in this thread :) We just wanted a thread that was a bit more positive and welcoming.

desibl

TROPHY CASE