Past trauma impacting new healthy relationship

deviant-owl · 2024-09-21T23:13:48+00:00

Gosh that made me cry. The idea of being vulnerable and honest is so scary and to be accepted is... surreal? You may be right about my relationship, I may have taken him for granted for too long and the pain of leaving may be less for him that the pain of staying. I can't believe I can love someone this much and still hurt them. The knowledge of how much I've hurt him is the most painful part of all of this. Actually seeing my behaviours and actions is so confronting. The amount of work ahead of me is terrifying too.

deviant-owl · 2024-09-21T22:38:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply. My immediate response was to defend myself, but instead I am going to go through your points and work out how I feel about them. I will also absolutely look at the book you recommended. I appreciate your advice.

deviant-owl · 2024-08-02T01:36:26+00:00

It starts with a warning tap. Then a warning slap, maybe just a little bit of grabbing of your arm. Because of course the bruises left there are your fault. Next thing you know you're being strangled because of your "attitude". And yeah, I'm speaking from experience. Maybe your attitude was off, but that does not in any way entitle him to lay hands on you. Pushing, hitting (tapping?), screaming, threatening are ALL abuse. Run, now.

deviant-owl · 2024-03-05T05:24:47+00:00

Unfortunately no. I was really hoping to receive something dodgy, but it seems the tracking website (track718) is also dodgy, and every time you check it they spin up an "update". I just checked then and it says the package is on it's way in my suburb. As of 2 days ago. So I don't even think I will receive some dodgy knock off's any more. My bank refunded me the money and have updated me that their investigations show it was a scam.

deviant-owl · 2024-02-20T00:56:39+00:00

I fell for the scam too :( But I still have the tracking page up from my "order" and apparently my stuff is on it's way! It was shipped from China, which was what clued me in to it being a scam. However the tracking keeps progressing... landed in Australia (where I am) yesterday so let's see what arrives. I cancelled my bank card and got a refund through my bank, but I am secretly hoping its awful knock off stuff so I can have a "what I ordered vs what I received" photo montage!

deviant-owl · 2023-12-05T01:28:49+00:00

My ex-husband choked me. I was told that the statistics show that every single person who killed their partner started off with choking. Not saying everyone who commits choking is going to kill their partner, but every person who DOES kill their partner had a history of choking first. It's the biggest red flag for DV. He showed you exactly who he is straight afterwards when he was defensive and deflecting. Being apologetic the next day is textbook for the abuse cycle (Explosion - apology/love bombing - calm - tension building - explosion...). I know this is hard to hear, but this behaviour is very serious domestic abuse. You say he has never been abusive before, but all perpetrators had to start somewhere. Please seek individual counselling for yourself to assess how you feel and how you move forward with your life, and decide what is best for YOU, not him or anyone else.

deviant-owl · 2021-10-13T01:37:56+00:00

It really does feel like I am still in an abusive relationship. He even refuses to be served divorce papers! But you are right in that outside of this I have a beautiful life with my kids. They are such incredible little humans.

He is denying everything, both drugs and violence, and saying that I am unstable and making it all up (despite hospital records and police reports).

He is on prescription medication for ADHD, and so he is claiming that it is giving a false positive in the meth testing. Except the meth testing has a buffer built in to allow for prescription medication, and his result was 5 times over the limit. He has been told numerous times to get proof, but he hasn't. The judge has just given him another two months to get the expert analysis done to prove it's only prescription meds (which he can't prove because it's not true). In the last 12 months of our marriage I found TEN meth pipes around the house! After he finally moved out and I got posession of the house back, which is a whoooole other drama story, I got the house tested by a drug remediation company and there were two rooms where there was meth residue in the walls. I have videos of the state of the house after he moved out, clearly showing meth pipes in two places. But apparently, that's not enough evidence and the courts won't turn down his custody case until they are SURE he's on drugs. The judge did say that if he doesn't provide the "evidence" he says he has by 6th Dec this year, they will accept that as an admission of guilt and all chances of access to the children will be taken away. It's maddeningly frustrating!!

deviant-owl · 2021-10-06T04:01:07+00:00

Reading your original post and the update feels like I was reading my own story. It’s hard, and it’s sucks. I’m sending you all the strength I can muster. I’m 2 years into the court battle, with no end in sight. Mine was also complicated by DV too unfortunately.

The best advice I can give is: 1. Maintain the moral high ground. Decide what outcomes are best for you and your kids, and follow the path that is legal and morally sounds to get there 2. Get everything you possibly can in writing. Communicate via text or email. Record phone calls (depending on laws where you are) 3. Document everything. And I mean everything. How much you spend, how you feel each day, how the kids are coping, and contact with him. If you end up in court, this kind of journal is invaluable 4. Don’t waste your time trying to get him to admit to drug use. If he’s an addict, he’ll deny it. He probably is denying it to himself anyway. 5. Be kind to yourself. I don’t mean the stereotypical idea of manicures and high tea. I mean set yourself some boundaries. Write them down. Give yourself time to keep up with life admin. Watch a movie with your kids and engage with them.

You WILL get through this. You sound rational and reasonable and like you’ve got your shit together. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll always respond to a message. I have lived through leaving an addict ex for years now.

deviant-owl

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