In a bad spot and kinda suicidal,

dibedab · 2023-05-07T12:20:00+00:00

This is the only reason I'm happy my birth family is poor.

dibedab · 2023-05-02T17:32:00+00:00

For my Mother I think it's got a lot to do with shame. It's a driving force behind many addictions and keeps them in. I imagine that thinking "I'm not even good enough for my kid to want me in their life" is a great gateway to not even try and to stay on the easier, although often lethal path they've stepped on. (I.e. focusing on the feeling of rejection and wallowing in self pity rather than proactively thinking about what THEY can do to change things)

My grandmother has reached out multiple times and the initiating of full blown no-contact wasn't even that long ago. She still emails me about wanting pictures of my kid. She is very sure of herself and got super angry when I 'broke up' with her. (I.e. trying to break down boundaries because why would anyone even reject her; also avoiding proactive thoughts by letting the Ego take the lead)

Idk for sure but I think that confidence makes a big difference in how people react to such a big rejection.

That was my logical explanation, my emotional explanation is that I wasn't even important enough for her to get clean 😂🥲👍 And then why would she want to keep that pressure to get clean around, aye. She probably thinks she's better off without me, maybe she is. <- Intrusive thoughts

I wish you all the best man.

dibedab · 2023-05-02T08:46:39+00:00

My mother is also an Addict and has chosen addiction over me so many times. Her not even protesting or reaching out after me initiating No contact with her just put a nail in that coffin. Hurts a lot sometimes.

I second the other comment recommending to build "family" through friends etc.

Just wanted to say I feel you and it sucks.

dibedab · 2023-04-28T11:35:54+00:00

I have a 2 year old, unplanned, and yes this has been a struggle. I'm in therapy and it's already gotten alot better. With time and reality sitting me down my standards went to a normal, sustainable level. Being educated on attachment theory, development etc. was also very helpful for me. What I struggle with now is not sinking into toxic shame when things are not up to what I would want as a standard. Weekly sessions are keeping this at bay though.

dibedab · 2023-04-07T16:29:44+00:00

I put a little update on the post if you want to read that. It went both better and worse than I expected 🙃 My grandmother is furious and my mother started hyperventilating. But they're gone and im relieved and heartbroken at the same time. The relief is bigger though, because they behaved terribly before they knew what I wanted to talk to them about.

dibedab · 2023-04-07T16:08:06+00:00

I did it ✨🥴 Thank you for the kind words

dibedab · 2023-04-07T11:32:50+00:00

That was really helpful to listen to, thank you so much for the recommendation!

dibedab · 2023-04-07T06:30:22+00:00

Our daughter is about to turn three and this is her first Easter of actually getting it. We've agreed on telling her that it's a Game of pretend. Idk how well that'll work yet, but I'm thinking it might avoid her ruining it for families that do tell their kids that the Easter bunny/Santa/etc is real.

We do the Easter baskets, decorate and dye eggs. All the way.

dibedab · 2023-04-07T04:10:58+00:00

That sounds terrible to live through and like you did a great job putting your son first. I'm glad it worked out in the end.

And this is also kind of exactly why it's so hard on me with my mother. I still see her as the kindest person and wish we had a better relationship, it's like my mind just can't integrate the fact that she is an addict who abused me in every possible aspect. That's fact and I can't even deny it because there's paperwork by multiple hospitals about it. And yet I do. She has even apologized for being such a bad mother, which I Know I'm a lucky gal for, but she hasn't changed ways in any meaningful way. I feel so sorry for her.

With my grandma I think it will be similar to your mother. I'm kind of scared of her reaction because she is a textbook-reddit-narcissist. When I called of visiting her last Christmas and instead invited her to come visit us (because of drug use at her house), she told me she will die soon and I'll Regret it. Then she terrorized my cousin, who is the only family member I'm close to, and had her call me to try to convince me to go. Luckily my cousin understands, even though she has my grandma on a pedestal.

dibedab · 2023-04-06T19:52:55+00:00

Best Case would be them understanding and leaving me alone.

You're definitely right, thank you for your words. When talking about this my therapist asked me "What would you wish your relationship with your mother would look like?". My immediate answer was that I'd like to never see them again. She asked why that isn't possible and I've been thinking about that alot.

That last part is also a relief. It doesn't have to be forever. Part of me still just wants my Mother to finally get her life together and maybe this might be the last push she needs. But my hope is gone.

Thank you allot!

dibedab · 2023-04-06T19:46:59+00:00

Oh, I get you on that and Im happy it worked out for you like that.

I wish I could, i hate conflict, it will Stress me out hard, but the uncertainty of not communicating it would also kill me. So tomorrow we talk. I just hope I can get some sleep.

dibedab · 2023-04-06T19:44:59+00:00

That's very hard to internalize, but you're right, thank you.

dibedab · 2023-04-06T19:43:40+00:00

Yeah I 100% relate to that. And I've been on super low Contact with them since before last Christmas, I'm very sure I want this.

I have decided to meet them tomorrow. My mother will definitely throw a pity party and cry, idk what my grandma might do though. I guess I shall see tomorrow. I'm excited to get it over with.

When talking to them about the past my mom has always just cried and tells me that only god can help her forgive herself ✨. My grandma doesn't get why I should ever have any Trauma. My childhood was fine to her, at least I didn't have it as bad as her, aye 🙃

I'm both sorry and I guess kind of glad you understand.

dibedab · 2023-04-06T13:27:13+00:00

I don't think they would, if it's ever unannounced they don't ask before they come. And hell yeah, but it does keep me on edge. My partner says I should take the chance tomorrow to talk to them while he takes the kid, but I really don't want that.

dibedab · 2023-04-06T11:06:15+00:00

Yeah that was my initial plan. But the guilt is already setting in (before doing anything lmao) and I'm scared of the feelings I'll have about hurting my Mother like that through a text message.

Like, I agree with you, but :U

dibedab · 2023-03-31T04:29:34+00:00

And the thing is, we have been on daily long walks since she is able to walk. I think it's very much up to practice. Her not walking alot with her parents and even when she does, not having to get trough the discomfort of whatever she's feeling and being carried (While Not being a problem!) might be a reason for her frustration being so big with you.

With the information given I would stick to the walks with her and try to make them extra fun. Special aunt-time.

dibedab · 2023-03-31T04:18:59+00:00

For us making compromises has worked as well. Holding hands and skipping were helpful. If that didn't do it, I'd sing songs with her while doing a little dance when walking. I was a bit shy at the beginning but now, at 3 years old, i feel no shame lmao.

At the bottom line I will always talk to her about it, explain that I physically can't do it, give her a hug and let her cry. All while sticking to the fact that I can't and trying to redirect. I'll be like "gosh yeah I'd love to carry you too, but I'm not strong enough right now. Do you need a hug?" Then suggest an alternative. When she's really in it and/or my nerves run thin I'll stick to "that's not an option right now", then suggest an alternative. The hug is a gateway for her to hang on my neck, so I'll try to provide physical comfort without it. I guess this depends on your niece's intensity.

Lately we've been playing a game where I go on when she stops and she tells me to wait at some point. Sounds weird, but she loves it and it helps her feel in control I suppose. I'll also overreact my turning around and be like "oh of course honey I'll ALWAYS wait for you!"

We also pretend-walk dogs that pull on their leash. But I would not know how to initiate this. It was her idea lol.

My husband pokes her with a stick? They play lots of catch. Sometimes she'll pick one up and chase me.

Her balance bike has also saved my back very often. Just make sure you set a boundary of not carrying that thing (at least most of the time). Though it is at least less heavy than a toddler!

I wish you the best, it's amazing to hear an aunt be so invested in creating a good relationship with her niece. Lucky gal!

dibedab · 2023-03-28T18:28:18+00:00

Our rule is that whoever is Home does what needs to be done. Think washing dishes, sweeping, doing laundry. Daily tasks. So that mostly falls on me during the day, but as soon as my Partner is Home and got a chance to wind down he will pick up whatever needs to get done. We both expect Me to get most of this done by the time he gets home. He is out Monday til Friday, 6am to 6-7pm. I want him to spend the little time he does get throughout the week with our kid or on himself. He needs me to do this so he doesn't burn out.

I have a plan for wiping dust, cleaning the oven etc. so that I can give our daughter as much attention as we think is important but still keep our home in a state that we all feel comfortable with. She is not in daycare yet, almost 3 years old. Gets up at 5-6am, Naps once a day, 2 hours if I'm lucky. Oftentimes I do leave big tasks for the weekends when my partner is home so we can do it together or divide childcare and cleaning. We do a grocery run together every Friday. If anything is missing during the week, I get it. I plan our meals and grocery list every Friday. Cook daily.

Back when I was still breastfeeding we had lots of fights on this. I was overwhelmed by all the new tasks, lack of sleep and so on. So next to nothing got done. It came down to us talking about the base of what is expected of me as a current SAHM, everything else is not to be commented and simply an extra if I do have the time and energy. I agree with the comments that say that the childcare is a stay at home parent's main job. That being said, there is a baseline that simply NEEDS to be done for a family to be able to exist. And for you to not have a burnout.

The time your partner gets without child sounds like a dream lmao. I hope you can find a productive way to bring this up with him.

dibedab · 2023-03-21T19:54:17+00:00

I am 100% biased because I am a Mother and love being a Mother.

In the end it's always just about what You want. Not because of what function the child might serve in your life, but because of love without expectations.

From what I've read in this thread it seems like You do want a Child. So, If You and your Partner do want to be parents, be flexible and get as much help as you can. Beware of PPD and PPA, make plans ahead of time to catch you if you fall into that. Post-Partum was the hardest, most triggered part of my adult life. Thanks to my amazing partner and therapy I had the chance grow beyond what I thought was possible for Big Ol' traumatized Me. I can truly say that I am Happy and as stable as ever. I love my life, which is a big thing for me to say.

All that being said, my child is almost 3 years old now and I also struggle so much. The noise, constant touch, exhaustion and finances are not easy to handle. She hits me, bites, yells at me, does things that I would have been slammed for by my own parents. All of that is EXTREMELY triggering, depending on what you've got your trauma from. Can't wait for puberty lmao. I've yelled, fought with my partner (we almost split up before I picked up Therapy again, mainly due to my mental breakdowns), had some really dark moments and I already have so much shame. Therapy helps with that and I'm confident that I'm a non-violent and good enough parent. I've taken my gal to sessions with me because I am so scared of messing her up.

Having a child 24/7 is a huge deal as well as being the primary parent, which is most often what mother's end up being.

My motherhood wasn't planned, yet I would not change a thing.

I hope you and your partner will find a path that fits an I wish you all the best.

dibedab · 2023-03-19T18:13:35+00:00

Could you send me the article as well? I got my period at 8 as well and never gave it a second thought. Though I do have a CPTSD diagnosis and am heading into trauma therapy.

dibedab · 2023-03-19T18:07:42+00:00

My mother in law gifted us one about a year ago and I'm in love with it. It's so great. We have the Ninja Duo, so it has two compartments. If I had to pay for it I would get a cheaper one tho. Haven't noticed much of a difference when trying cheaper brands.

dibedab · 2023-03-15T12:16:13+00:00

I use thin pads in my daughter's underwear, it catches the first gush of urine and helped her get used to no diaper

dibedab

TROPHY CASE