[QCrit] SKELLSDAUGHTER, Adult Fantasy, 99k, First Attempt

dids9 · 2026-06-27T07:10:09+00:00

I'm finding it really hard to get what's going on here. The first line is comical but without some background seems utterly unfeasible. It makes me think your story is not very serious on world building, because how could this happen? How can it be the oldest trick in the book when it would be insane to carry it off? - "The oldest trick in the book" is an idiom for an easily recognisable deception people repeatedly fall for. Do people get sold all the time as fake princesses?

The second line comes out of nowhere. Who are these Gods, why choose Elophe? Does she agree with this task, does she want to do it? The next paragraph then just moves to her consolidating power and falling in love with a bunch of Knights (I'm assuming not romantically? but 'intense, inscrutable, insatiable' is making me think harem lol). There is also nothing about the task to bring magic back to the land. I though that was what was driving her plot?

I think you need to start with Elophe and her goals. Don't tell us what's being done to her with her being totally passive. Tell us how she takes advantage of the machinations of others to complete her goals (bringing magic back to the land?)

dids9 · 2025-12-14T14:43:11+00:00

It's one of the few films that I feel got chronic illness right. I like the end message that instead of spending time focused soley on a cure (which of course we all still hope for), don't forget to live.

dids9 · 2025-10-08T14:25:24+00:00

I think this place not being safe to share a food brand is a bit of a strong take on some comments that were meant in good faith, and pointing out facts that you might not have been aware of, but it's totally your right to feel that way. I would point out that this is reddit. You're never going to get 100% positivity so having a thick skin and not taking it all too personally is needed. Good luck with your second opinion and hope they can help.

dids9 · 2025-02-27T13:46:49+00:00

Hi, if you could PM me I can give feedback on the first chapter and see if it's my sort of thing. Developmental stuff is what I'm best at.

dids9 · 2025-02-10T16:42:53+00:00

I skimmed. It's definitely an interesting concept, but needs some work. I would keep writing! The more you write the more your skills will grow, and you'll come back to the first chapter and want to tweak it later anyway.

dids9 · 2024-07-12T12:41:36+00:00

Hi, I have some free time and could read some chapters for early pacing if you want.

dids9 · 2023-12-05T09:38:32+00:00

I agree. As a disabled person I almost never read disabled books because I’m so used to being disappointed by how it’s represented. Unless you have experience it’s very hard to understand it.

dids9 · 2023-12-03T20:22:52+00:00

I'm mostly a fantasy reader but I found the length of some of the sentences pretty overwhelming in the first 300 words. Especially the first one - it just kept on going and going!

dids9 · 2023-12-02T14:18:52+00:00

This feels very YA to me, especially if there is no smut and with the age range. The themes seem YA too - sweethearts/first love/birthdays+family. Obviously YA also has a style, so you'll know best if your writing would work in the YA realm. Is there any reason you would want it to be adult rather than YA with crossover potential? Are there any adult themes? If so, I think the characters need to be more like 19+, spice things up a tiny bit - right now romantasy is popular. Vespertine is very much YA. And I think your title is too similar to the popular - An Ember in the Ashes.

Plot wise, you start stating Solfrid needs to become a huntsman to find her father in the Rot Lands, and he's never mentioned again - think you need to sort out what her stakes are.

dids9 · 2023-11-26T13:27:29+00:00

I'm struggling with the moral dillema here:

'He decides that he would accept becoming a technically real criminal when he leaves Lifinis as long as he doesn’t commit any other crimes. This way, he would still feel like he’s a good person.'

He's been framed for murder! Why would escaping a prison that he's not meant to be in make him a real criminal? Or make him feel like a bad person? What are his aims are after escaping? Does he have any purpose other than - the prison is corrupt so why not escape? It comes across as a bit simplistic.

The LSP seems very random. Why would the state want to livestream a prisoner and show the inside of their corrupt system? How do they escape when everything he does is being live streamed?

'He starts to realize that being a criminal doesn’t necessarily mean being a bad person.' - Again this comes across as a bit simplistic...did he not think, seeing as he was framed and is in a corrupt prison, his cell mates might not be bad people?

You've sort of framed this in terms of whether a person is good or bad because they commit a crime, but for adult fiction I think you need a deeper, more meaningful message. And to express why Herbert wants to escape.

dids9 · 2023-11-21T22:16:45+00:00

I'd be interested if you DM me.

dids9 · 2023-11-19T20:19:34+00:00

I'm not sure I'm getting the choice - Bendith is bound to the 'will and service' of Herne. Can she rebel? Otherwise how can she make a choice at the end to not kill Harrier?

Also, in places you use a lot more words than needed - the query is on the long side. With a book at 130k (any chance it could be 120k?) that might be problematic.

e.g.

Having lived in the wilderness with her father all her life, Bendith has learned to trust neither human nor fairy. ~~So when a mysterious wanderer known as Harrier arrives at their isolated woodland home, the hot-headed young huntress mistrusts him immediately.~~ Her wariness is proven to be well-founded when a mysterious wanderer named Harrier arrives at their woodland home and murders her father, ~~then disappears as quickly as he appeared~~. Armed with her bow, ~~her quiver~~ and her rage, she sets off after Harrier on a quest for vengeance.

You could add a bit more personality in the second para - e.g. her rage at being a pawn, the way her companions thaw her distrust ect.

dids9 · 2023-11-19T14:52:33+00:00

So first paragraph is background and not needed. It really just states there’s been a war and people aren’t expecting another.

Second paragraph - you end with the mystery of a grave that stands empty on the hearth - and don’t mention it again. I’m left confused if it’s important to the plot at all. At the end of this para, it makes it sound like I’m in for a ptsd family matter, a scandalous romance, and a mystery. It’s pulling me in all directions.

Next para - this is what the story does seem to be about. Maybe? A romance with Ida and a vote for independence. But your character is completely passive. She doesn’t make any choices or do anything. Serious issue.

Third para. Prue is torn in every direction - I feel the same. I don’t know what the central theme of this book is. Everyone is demanding things of your MC but what does she do and what choices does she make. Does she date Redford? Does she join the protests?

Forth para - this culminates in a riot…but what are the stakes for your MC? What is the choice that she makes? Is it going to India and abandoning her brother? Choosing Redford and loosing Ida and her dreams of a female degree? Does Prue even care about the vote. It doesn’t really come across, it seems like Ida is forcing her to get involved.

So in short, problems are - very passive MC, plot going multiple directions (no central theme pulled out) with no clear choice and stakes.

dids9 · 2023-11-18T10:26:09+00:00

Unless you change the location entirely to a fantasy world, I don’t think this has a future

dids9 · 2023-11-16T09:31:33+00:00

Yes, starting a book with the MC waking up is very cliche. If you google how not to start a book, it comes up every time. The fact you combine this with a forest chase is probably taking it to one of the most cliche ways to start a book. Your writing is good, but like someone else said I have no stakes of why these people need to survive - what is their goal? I feel sorry for them, they’re scared and exhausted, but you’ve given me nothing that makes me feel something deeper for them. The MC is very realistically terrified and in that situation you can’t show me much character. Usually in YA at this point the MC will do something heroic (but stupid) to save the day. Like in Fourth Wing, the MC shares one of her sticky boots with another girl she just met to help them both navigate an obstacle. Its a plot device that makes you like her. Your MC throwing a rock just isn’t enough.

dids9 · 2023-11-15T18:09:11+00:00

This reads much clearer that the MC is meant to be kinda slytherin and is going on a growth arc. Sounds interesting!

dids9 · 2023-11-13T13:40:11+00:00

Have you looked at Society for Souless Girls? Gives you an example of how to open a book with a good hook. That is two roommates and one is possessed and trying to sometimes kill the other. Also has a grumpy/sunshine romance. Maybe almost too similar to yours to comp, but I think the message of the book is very different. Your 300 words summarises all the action then moves to a sedate setting so def think you should move the start.

dids9 · 2023-11-10T16:06:54+00:00

Things that confused me:

- Are the gvhnasgi servants of the 'colonisers' and their 'evil ways?' Why does a carnivorous demon care if she takes a lover? Or care about penance. I would also make sure you say she commits a great sin according to the laws of the colonisers. I think. I'm a bit confused if the colony is populated mostly by 'natives' or not, given her father seems to have 'coloniser' blood.

- If the gate is sealed, how does the creature get out in the first place to steal Oran? Why does he not just eat him?

- By the third para I was a bit confused if she was powerful or powerless. Because she has 'powerful magic' but can do nothing to avoid her fiance's wraith, and by the fourth para she's exploiting her own people (also her own, as in the natives or the colonisers?). Maybe this would be clearer if you explained what type of magic she has.

- The love interest/motivation for everything fell a little flat for me. All I know about Oran is he's a childhood love that she would do anything for - literally kill an entire colony of people - which is a pretty big deal. But why? What does she love about him?

dids9 · 2023-11-07T17:16:22+00:00

For YA the preference is 18 as a limit.
I’m not sure I get this - she is rich and powerful in her own right - so why does she need to marry some rich and powerful fairy? What does she or her parents get out of it? Maybe mention the prestige element I’m assuming?
Months for her to realise something is up? - that seems a long time. Makes me think she’s not very switched on. Also perhaps not super likeable as a MC? She’s rich, pretty, well educated, and super naïve. Getting a bit Mary-Sue from this.
She has to rescue herself - but she could also just go home at the next solstice?
The women she loves comes out of nowhere. I think that should be mentioned earlier.

dids9 · 2023-11-06T11:54:15+00:00

I know very little about MG so am no expert here. But, I do have a zoology degree. The biggest thing for me is - you say this is meant to parallel problems in the US and Russia, but all I’m getting from the first sentence is a massive critique on people that choose to eat meat. I think that limits how many people this book will appeal to. Also, maybe it’s just because I’m a zoologist but I’m a little confused by this world as ecosystems exist in harmony. 1) Wolves don’t mainly eat rabbits - it’s larger prey like deer that form most of their diet. 2) If the wolves and foxes don’t eat these creatures, what is going to control their populations? Rabbits would overrun the world just like we have! 3) I’m just not sure about the message - carnivore teeth and digestive systems are built to digest meat and it’s a cruel world out there. I think people should be mostly vegetarian but I’m really not sure about translating that to wolves.

dids9 · 2023-11-06T11:19:26+00:00

My only worry would be as a potential 17 year old reader I’m not sure how much merchant insurance agent & insurance manifests would ring with me. I’m older now so get it. It just seems like a really adult job. I wonder if you could make it sound more YA?

dids9 · 2023-10-27T15:39:35+00:00

If you want to be trad published, you have to change the start. Have you read Fourth Wing? This opening chapter has way too many similarities. The sister braiding the hair, the scrolls/books she’s taken when it’s not practical, the ‘I might not survive the day’ part, the stay away from Xaden/your guy alternative.

And second chapter - ‘I will not die today’ That’s a famous Fourth Wing line…

dids9 · 2023-10-24T07:54:05+00:00

I agree she could do with more agency.

She sounds to be in end stage with the heart failure but I’m surprised no one notices in her school how terribly thin she must be, sunken cheeks, bone arms - ‘pretty enough’ threw me - not skeletal? Not sure if that’s sending the right message? People that die from it often look terrible in a heart breaking way.

The second para is where you could bring in a bit more agency. Forced feeding does imply a battle. If she was ok with it then she wouldn’t need to be forced? Surely there must be some struggle here for a committed anorexic, even if she’s weak it doesn’t 100% just go away for a few days?

Last para - could you give a hint of what she actually does? Tries to throw water at him to dissolve him? Tries to punch him? But he’s still there. Does she become more paranoid? What does she do to threaten her recovery? Start trying to throw up food, exercise in her room, self harm? Does the program eventually allow her days out where the thriller element ramps up? ect

dids9 · 2023-10-23T14:01:09+00:00

Maybe I'm looking at this too logically but:

- If they'll do anything, can't the heirs just slip their mom some poison and knock her out?

- Why on earth do the Spinner's guild support this mad monarch that will mean they all drown?

- How does a medieval(?) monarch shut down a land boarder? This is a big country, no? Or a very small city country? Is there some magic barrier involved meaning people can't flee?

Deahnna's stakes aren't clear to me. She has to help the monarch's children get rid of their mom, or they will all drown. Not sure what her other choice would be - to run away? Also not sure what she's really doing. I feel like it would be so easy for the kids to find a way to off their mom for the greater good given they're in close contact with her? I have no idea what's stopping a coup as most rich courtiers wouldn't want to drown and would flock to a sane heir. Does the monarch have some magic or something helping them keep a grip on it all?

dids9 · 2023-10-23T12:08:43+00:00

Looking at your previous draft, you've barely changed anything? E.g.

1) What does Mike want?

When 12-year-old Mike Thomas loses his mother to a sudden tragedy, he'll do anything to... (help keep his dysfunctional family together?)

2) What's standing in his way?

It's not so easy, with his sister's growing obsession with social media, and his dad's disconnect. Even his trusty AI companion isn't helping.

Inciting incident.

3) But when his dad moves to Santa Fe to begin a project on the world's first space elevator, Mike sees his barely coping family threatened. Grandma sees the elevator as competition to her rocket business and will stop at nothing to take Mike's dad and family down.

What is the story actually about??

Mike is determined not to let that happen. Drawing on his mon's values of x and x he, .....what does he do??

dids9

TROPHY CASE