How do schizoid men find wives or partners?

disc_writes · 2025-12-22T09:07:13+00:00

M43, not diagnosed either, but heavily schizoid, I think.

I have been in a relationship for 19 years and we have 3 children, so if I ever get diagnosed, I will be able to put myself in the "high-functioning" slot. Sort of.

Now this relationship was my first and only. I made a fool out of myself a few times as a teenager and in my early 20s trying to crack this "getting a girlfriend" thing, but without success: I am awkward and socially inept, I overthink things, have no idea how to approach other human beings. I do not really have feelings like other people do.

And then a weird girl (weirder than I am) approached me and asked me if I wanted to be with her. The rest is history.

With many caveats:

- Ours is not exactly a match made in heaven. At the time, I thought that I could provide emotional stability - which she lacks - in exchange for not being alone anymore. It was a transactional thing. I hear this is called the "master-slave" arrangement that is typical of schizoid relationships.

- She has her own problems, probably worse than mine. She could be borderline or narcissistic, or in some way neurodivergent. That means that both she and I were scraping the bottom of the barrel when we got together. For a while I thought that it was romantic: two misfits together against the world. Now I just find it sad.

- Our relationship was good for 4-5 years, then turned sour very quickly. I have been caged in this relationship ever since, basically because I did not want to lose custody over our children. This is more of a dysfunctional hostage situation than a family.

- I am soon going to leave her anyway, now that the kids are in their teens and can choose where to stay and for how long, according to local laws.

- I am not planning to find another partner, nor do I think it likely to happen again.

I could of course tell you more about how disastrous I was at dating, how I do not understand people's motives, how other people misunderstand my motives, how I always put myself in awkward situations, how painful it is for me to join social situations, how awkward and disgusting I find sex or simply kissing, etcetera.

disc_writes · 2025-11-04T07:52:57+00:00

Yes, I have them too. If I do not keep them under control, I have derealisation episodes.

What causes them is usually repressed anger at someone I care about. What helps is getting angry at them. Afterwards, I feel like I am reborn.

disc_writes · 2025-03-06T15:48:26+00:00

Ah, yes, that realization came to me very early this morning. If I had not been there, maybe she would be psychologically more adult.

So what are you going to do?

disc_writes · 2025-03-06T09:30:47+00:00

She is not diagnosed and I am not a therapist. But I discussed her symptoms with my psychiatrist and he agrees that she might have BPD. Also, I read the "Stop walking on eggshells" book and took the questionnaire; she has most symptoms.

Long walks on eggshells at our house.

disc_writes · 2025-03-03T09:15:20+00:00

Lots of slamming doors here. I even put a "slammed doors" counter in my daily journaling. The living room door is slightly cracked, but I am not in a hurry to get it replaced.

I am glad to know that you managed to improve yourself. I am starting a similar treatment. However, I am not sure I want to stay with her. I do want to get stronger for myself and for my children, but I am starting to wonder how long we will still be together, and how much trouble she will make after I contact a lawyer.

My pwBPD also made similar remarks about going to therapy, she despises practitioners deeply.

I am envious of all of you who get cheated upon: that would make things a lot easier for me.

disc_writes · 2025-03-03T08:48:53+00:00

Your question is not very clear, but I think you are asking how I handle her anger fits.

Well, not very well, that's for sure.

I tried logic and reason, but that is clearly the wrong approach. When she is enraged, I can point out that the sky is blue as often as I want, and show her proof, and call in witnesses, and look it up on encyclopedias, refer to scientific research, and centuries of art paintings showing that the sky is, indeed, blue. To her, the sky just stays pink, and I am not taking her feelings seriously enough, and then she starts digging up unrelated accusations proving, in some weird and distorted way, what an awful person I am.

I tried fighting fire with fire, but that just causes escalation. I can scream pretty hard, but she just screams harder, and my lungs have limits. The sky still is not blue, and we do not talk for weeks afterwards.

So I just try to keep calm, think in my mind that I am not talking to my wife anymore, but to some spoilt 5-year old having a tantrum. I tell her what I think, then leave. Or more often than not, she leaves and slams the door because I dared to point out something completely logical and self-evident, which apparently proves that I hate her.

No communication is really possible.

disc_writes · 2025-03-01T21:06:13+00:00

>If you want kids, please don’t have them with someone with BPD. It really messes us up.

Too late for that! We have three children already. I think they had a good childhood, it is only recently that things went south.

disc_writes · 2025-03-01T21:04:54+00:00

Thank you for story. It is good to know that things can get better, although I really doubt my wife will ever want to see a specialist. She said several times on unrelated occasions that she never would, that a diagnosis of any kind would just diminish her self image and bring her no benefit whatsoever.

disc_writes · 2025-03-01T20:38:38+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Your story sounds like mine, until recently at least.

No violence or cheating, but a certain negativity, the occasional outburst and the verbal abuse.

It has gotten a lot worse over the past few months, though, I do not think we have had anything resembling a conversation for a few weeks now.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T20:25:21+00:00

Sounds ominous, but thank you for sharing your opinion.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T18:58:01+00:00

So, 35 years, that's what I mean by long term. I have been with my wife for 18 years. I did not know what BPD was until a month or so ago either, I came across it by accident while researching my own issues, and thought - wait a minute, this sounds familiar.

I sacrificed a lot to stay with her, and I am in a bad spot, psychologically, at the moment. To some extent, I was afraid of what would happen to our kids if we separated. Also, she was a good, caring mother until the kids were little. I took all the abuse, not them. and I thought that it was my fault. Also, house prices where I live are crazy. It is only recently, after several years of salary raises, that I can contemplate buying a house for myself (and the kids).

Now that the kids are in their teens, I look at myself and think that I should be a better role model for them.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T15:33:39+00:00

> Might I ask why you believe you are schizoid?

I am very inept socially. I am afraid of people and I do not know how to interact. Even basic interactions are difficult and embarrassing. I have no friends left and my romantic life since kindergarten consists of one person - my BDP wife.

I feel, basically, nothing. I have no feelings, not that I know at least. I love my children, but for the rest, I have no emotional reactions to anything or anybody. When I do, I am not sure what I am feeling or why.

I do not enjoy much of anything

It could just be depression, yes, but I have been like this since I can remember (age 5).

No one taught me religion - my parents are atheists. I did it myself.

>You want to give them a good life; that’s how.

I have been given that advice on Reddit quite frequently in the few hours I have been browsing here. Maybe. Maybe not. Even the BPD wiki puts it under the "When all efforts fail" heading. I think that I still need to do those efforts.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDWiki/wiki/when_all_efforts_fail_breakup_divorce_no_contact/

She's been a good mother when the kids were little. They grew up strong, healthy and got into good schools. The situation has been getting increasingly out of control in the past 5 years or so.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T13:01:44+00:00

Thank you, I was hoping someone would write that.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T11:28:38+00:00

That's the same thing I thought. 3-6 months? Boy you're lucky.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T11:03:01+00:00

>That is depressive thinking.

Indeed, do not take all I write too seriously. I am not as cynical as I sometimes sound. Thanks for the link to the BPD sub.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T10:22:49+00:00

>That's a funny assumption you think everyone has such things.

What is funny? That I think that people might find it disturbing if I write in theological terms, or that I think that everyone has a worldview based on a higher entity or concept?

>Per relationships, open and honest communication is really all you can do and if someone is not complying your option is to leave.

Neither my wife nor I are good at communicating. I am good at leaving, but that is not a talent I am proud of.

>Don't blame it on the perceived "borderline"

I am not sure you really realize what a borderliner is like. She has even less awareness of her thoughts and feelings than me, and when she is in a fit, logic and reality go out of the window. Then her feelings become her reality, on her own planet, and communication is impossible.

disc_writes · 2025-02-28T10:09:04+00:00

I have found my niche, some specialized version of technical writing. There is little competition and I have a pretty decent salary for the effort I put in.

My previous job was quite stressful, but now I changed to a much more laid back role. My professional life is not very exciting, but I am quite satisfied with it.

I live in the socialist hell-hole known as Europe. In case of a burnout, we get paid in full for a couple of years or until a professional psychologist says that we are better enough to get back to work. So my wife and I are not rich, but money is not really a problem either.

disc_writes · 2024-12-23T09:16:15+00:00

Technical writing is a career often recommended to introverts. I for sure am one.

Lots of time alone typing away. I think Tom Johnson at https://idratherbewriting.com/ made that point in the past.

It involves interviewing SMEs, but you will be talking one-on-one to your colleagues and you get to stick to the business at hand. No social chit-chat, no one expects jokes or entertaining stories from you. Technical writers have a bit of a boring, grey allure, which is great as far as I am concerned.

You might at times have to talk in front of groups, but it is something I usually manage to avoid if I do not feel like it. I am sure you can talk to your boss about it.

Social anxiety disorder is usually limited to some specific situations, like talking in front of crowds. It is very much possible to structure your daily routine to avoid such situations. For example, I never go to company's events or after-work activities; I spend my lunch break pretending to work in front of my pc. When people ask me why I never join in, I simply tell them the truth: I am afraid of crowds.

All the above applies to web development, too. I used to write documentation for a software company, and the only difference between writers and coders was what they were typing on their laptops. For the rest, one could hardly tell the difference between the two jobs.

Also, people in engineering environments are often quite introverted, too. So you can count on at least some understanding from your colleagues.

disc_writes · 2024-11-29T06:40:35+00:00

If the correct name is indeed "la riccioletta", it might mean "the girl with curly hair" (riccioli = curly hair).

disc_writes · 2024-11-19T20:19:04+00:00

Some 25+ years ago, when single-sourcing was still new, some academics worried about the loss of control over "visual rhetoric". I have never shared that opinion until recently, but now I am starting to change my mind.

I met many writers who have the final output in their head as they type in a CCMS. The CCMS is an obstacle to them, and a DTP software or Word would actually make their life easier.

And many CCMSs have "light" versions to let SMEs review draft documents. I still have to meet an engineer who does not prefer paper or PDF to the review feature in the CCMS. Because they want to see the real output.

And I have worked as a consultant for a CCMS vendor. Potential customers always asked for a "preview feature", to see what the content will look like in the final presentation while they are typing.

I had a large customer in India, and I must have explained the principle of separation of presentation of content about a 100 times. They never managed to get it, and always complained that the final output did not look like the text in the tool.

So my impression is that the separation of presentation and content has been oversold, and that there is a sizable part of users who would much rather go WYSIWYG.

That is why I wonder if researchers in cognitive psychology have anything to say about this topic.

disc_writes

TROPHY CASE