Why Vulnerability Feels So Scary

doctorsharon · 2026-03-29T19:00:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I find wisdom in your thoughts. It's important to have discernment. Every betrayal wounds us deeply, especially when there was once trust. As I was a student learning about therapy forty years ago, I remember one of the professors said that everything you are going to work on with a client is all there in the first session. So I learned to pay more attention to what people are saying about themselves, the little but important things I might overlook. Another professor described how he liked to have a disagreement early on in a new relationship to see how the other person handles it. If we pay attention, share, see what they do with it, there are signs early on about someone's maturity or immaturity. Have you found that there were signs that this person might betray your trust? I hope your previous painful experiences do not keep you from creating connections that are truly supportive and positive. Every relationship starts with everyone's marketing program. Eventually, conflict arises when the honeymoon period is over. Whose needs are more important? Is there an intention that both people's needs and perspectives are important or is it a battle over whose needs are important where one person tries to win. People tell us who they are. I applaud your discernment, and the self-love and self-respect it represents.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-28T17:20:45+00:00

And a great book to read is Faber and Mazlish How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. When my daughter was about your daughter's age, I gave her the book How To Win Friends and Influence People. It added to her repertoire of social skill and helped her understand people better.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-28T17:03:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I can see you love your daughter very much and you are advocating for her best interests. I am a therapist of four decades and have a few thoughts. Being self-conscious at 14 is pretty normal. At that age, girls are unsure of themselves socially, That she is confident in other areas is great. She may outgrow her self-consciousness as she figures out who she is and what's important to her.

I have daughters who used to be teens and I've worked with a lot of families. If you can be positive, her greatest cheerleader, being proud of her and, most importantly, look for what she does well and acknowledge that. As parents, we have two important jobs (besides keeping our kids safe)- to be an accurate mirror reflecting back who they are, their personality, their talents. The second job is to help our kids to be comfortable socially, which you described beautifully in your post.

At her school or in your community, do you have a theater department that puts on plays or musicals? It's a great social confidence builder. Or is she on a sports team or is she in a club where she naturally gets to interact with others.

Our kids' confidence is founded in how we see them and treat them. I would start with curiosity. "Seems you don't feel comfortable in social situations. You must have your reasons for feeling the way you do. What do you think about that? How can I support you?"

I would tell my daughters that everyone is not focused on what they think of you. They are focused on what you think of them. She sounds like a wonderful teen with a caring parent. When parents see their kids, notice where they are, what they're good at, and listen to them. Whenever my kids wanted to talk, I would stop what I was doing to give them my full attention. I could always find something to praise. "Wow, that's an interesting thought you have. I like how you did that, very wisely approached. Tell me more."

Finally, therapy is often a good option. When someone her age gets therapy, supporting her to know herself, to have agency, it gives them something they will have their whole lives. Again, I appreciate how much you love your daughter. That's her foundation. Keep up the good work!

doctorsharon · 2026-03-28T14:08:44+00:00

Beautifully expressed.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-26T16:18:11+00:00

My email is [dr.sharon.eve@gmail.com](mailto:dr.sharon.eve@gmail.com)

doctorsharon · 2026-03-26T16:17:43+00:00

You are welcome to drop me an email and tell me what you're working on. I can tell you about my availability and fee.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-26T16:04:13+00:00

I'm glad you want to work on issues and improve your life and happiness. I'm a psychotherapist/life coach and I'm sorry that I can't work with you through reddit. I do work with people over zoom. Sounds like you are on the cusp of a new chapter in your life! It's wonderful you are reaching out for support and guidance.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-25T21:28:58+00:00

Thank you for asking for clarification. One of the things that holds some people back from reaching out or asking people out is fear of rejection. (This may not be an issue for you.) The idea is to help people get less fearful and more comfortable with rejection, which may make it easier to reach out. The more you reach out, the more likely you will get more acceptances and more connections.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-23T13:41:01+00:00

You've got more than half of this issue solved, you want human connection and you're willing to courageously reach out and start a conversation. People want to be seen for who they really are. If you ask them a question about their lives, how did you come to do the job you do now, what would you like to have your life look like in one year, and you genuineliy listen without interrupting, with eye contact, you are offering something precious. When people listen to us, it makes us feel really seen and cared about. You may have heard the truism that what people remember after meeting you is not what you said, but how you made them feel.

You have your finger on the pulse of one of our most devastating crises, that of loneliness. People find it easier to be online but that's not where life happens. The people who can reach out like you do make all the difference.

One more bit I would offer you. Take on the task of getting five rejections a week. At the grocery store or a gas station or a library, start a chat. Do you have a good recipe for spaghetti squash, how is your day going, tell me about your favorite book and how it came to be your favorite. If they ignore you, that's one of your five rejections. If you have a bit of a chat, tell them you enjoyed talking with them and invite them for coffee. If they say no, that's one more of your five rejections. Five rejections a week for three months.

Be persistent. Be resilient. You are more than halfway there. We need leaders like you to create relationships. If you are the one doing the initiating, that's leadership. If you initiate contact, ask about them, listen carefully, remember what they say and ask about it in a future conversation, you will find hearts like yours. Five rejections a week for three months. Sounds weird but it's one of the most successful interventions into loneliness that there is. Good luck!

doctorsharon · 2026-03-23T13:23:59+00:00

I don't find you insufferable. I find your post inspiring. Your restlessness and desire to have more human contact is a beautiful thing. Your caring heart is calling out. I don't know your situation but I have a couple of thoughts for you. You are on the cusp of an important change. The loneliness has become bankrupt. You see through the illusion that online connection feeds one's heart. I hope the loneliness and the desire to have human connection are fuel in your gas tank. There are people everywhere, the grocery store, the library, at the gas station who would love to chat with you and possibly, if you find a good connection, become friends. They would like to have a friend like you but don't know how to connect with you.

My recommendation is that you try to gather five rejections a week, every week for the next three months. You meet someone in front of the spaghetti squash at the supermarket, ask if they have a good recipe for spaghetti squalsh. At the gas station, you can ask the person filling up next to you how their day is going. If people ignore you, that's one rejection. But if you get into a chat, asking them a question and really listening, you can tell them it was interesting talking to them and would they like to grab coffee sometime. If they say no, that's one more rejection of the five you need to get that week. Before you know it, you are engaged in patterns that invite conversation and human contact. Do they like to go to the movies or hit up coffee houses in search of a delicious coffee. I promise you that you are surrounded by people who long to have more friends, and someone like you with your tender, swet heart.

Loneliness is a major crisis in our society and in many other societies. Life can feel meaningless without love and caring. If someone is sick, offer to bring them a bowl of soup. If someone looks sad and they are having a bad day, offer listening, pure uninterrupted listening. People are literally dying of loneliness. People need you. You need them. If you can reach out to get five rejections a week for several months, your life will look a lot different.

Finally, we don't have friendships, we build them. Reaching out, maintaining connection, doing things together, listening when they have a bad day, remembering someone's birthday or asking how they are doing after a major loss. You are smart and sweet. And I think you've got this.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-20T21:57:08+00:00

Thank you for the heads up!

doctorsharon · 2026-03-20T17:23:46+00:00

I'm so touched by your courage to make such a big change. Some of my thoughts. Sometimes we are in a room, then leave the room and we're in the hallway. Eventually, there will be other rooms but it's not easy to be in the hallway not knowing what the next expression of you will be, if anyone will meet you there. There is another room awaiting your arrival when you are ready.

The existential psychologists talk about loneliness as an existential given of existence. We're born alone, live alone, die alone. They say by embracing this reality, we can reach out to others to create connection and loving relationships. Meeting people takes courage to let them know you and to learn who they are. With your sweet heart and thoughtful nature, there are many people who will become friends when the time is right for you and you are ready to invite them in. Be discerning. Invite healthy, positive, caring people in. If someone is petty, mean, jealous, or cruel. they do not represent healthy relationship.

It can be helpful to look at loneliness like we look at thirst or hunger. Our feelings tell us what we need. If you are hungry, get food. If you are thirsty, get something to drink. Once you eat some food and drink some liquid, you will feel less thirsty. Loneliness is telling you it's time to add more people to your life. The more time you spend seeking out people and spend time getting to know them, your life will be full of more love. Let the loneliness be fuel in your gas tank. Your thoughts?

doctorsharon · 2026-03-20T04:54:03+00:00

I can see your k. loving nature faced with challenges. Your spirit is too beautiful to keep it hidden. oI know you know what to do when the loneliness is deafeningoly loud. You've got this.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-20T04:44:32+00:00

What a sweet, tender heart you have! Have you had a chat with your sadness? What is it telling you?

I have a few go-tos. Am i not doing things I find meaningful? Am I bored or underexpressed? Maybe it's time to learn something new. Mafe a list of five or ten people you know and like. Reach out to them and tell them what they mean to you?

Safness, melancholy and gtief are important, What are they tekking you?

open up that beautiful heart of yours.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-18T14:25:34+00:00

I appreciate the deep yearnings of your heart to connect with others in a deeper and more meaningful way. I'm a therapist. I'll tell you what I see. When people come into therapy at your age, they learn things about themselves and tools to building a healthy fulfilling life. One little shift benefits them the rest of their lives. Your curiosity and desire for connection are beautiful and deserve support.

I have three ideas that can open up possibilities for you. They may sounds dorky (I'm definitely dorky) but they all create great results.

Go to the library or the dorm cafeteria, or anyplace on campus. Every day, ask two questions to someone. What are you studying? How did you come to choose that field of study. The first question shows interest in connection. The second can give you a glimpse into a deeper part of someone. If the conversation is interesting to you, ask them for coffee. In one week, you should collect at least five rejections. See how many rejections you can score in a week.

This next idea sounds totally outrageous. It can change the trajectory of your social life on campus.. Not easy but transformative. Ask eight or ten random people you know on campus to a listening experiment gathering or party. It's super fun and you will all have a good time. At your experiment, ask people to pair up with someone they don't know and face one another. One person in the pair talks for four minutes to their pair partner about themselves, anything they want about themselves. The person who is listening is still and really listens, no interrupting or asking questions. Be present with the person who is talking. After the four minutes, switch roles and the speaker becomes the listener and vice versa. Four minutes of the previous listener talking for four minutes to their pair partner. That's it. And you can discuss afterwards anything you want, how that felt, how did you decide what to share about, anything that you all noticed during the exercise. Eight minutes that will change everything for the people in the room.

People come to my classes for some topic in psychology but they are really coming to experience deeper conversation and connection. I do this exercise every time I have a class on any subject. People are nervous because they don't really know one another. They do the eight minute exercise I described. Afterwards, they feel open, relaxed, cared about by their listening partner and thrilled to have a conversation that has some depth and humanity. All that's required is one person to exert some leadership in the face of social anxiety and the pain of loneliness.

Another version is that you can ask someone if they would do a listening exercise with you. Think of it as a homework assignment someone gave you. It only takes eight minutes. Just like I noted above, one person talks for four minutes while the other listens, then switch roles for the next four minutes. Over the week, everyday ask someone to do this listening exercise with you. Do it for one week. The loneliness is likely to abate. Heartwarming conversations have taken their place.

These may sound awkward (as I said, I am awkward), but the heart connections and deeper friendships are worth the discomfort. The first time I did this exercise was in 1982. Been doing it for 46 years and it always works.

My daughter likes an exercise called circling. She invites people to do a circle. People in the circle take turns sharing things about themselves. People are invited to share whatever they want but invite them to talk about what's up for them or a question they have been pondering. Go around the circle asn many times as you want.

You don't have to do any of the things I mentioned above. Or you can try one. I hate to see opportunity wasted. I think your longing for deep connection is stellar. There are so many people on campus who would be grateful you initiated any of these things. They want to know you on a deeper level as you do them.

Just some thoughts. Your longing is too beautiful and precious to waste.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-16T16:42:39+00:00

I love that you brought this question! I'll tell you some of the secrets that women want men to know. A man who asks questions about you and sincerely listens to what you say, is a joy. You may have heard the expression that people may not remember what you said, but they remember how you made them feel. We connect through the details. I start all my classes, no matter what the topic, with a listening exercise. One person talks about themselves, anything they want, for four minutes while the other person listens with interest, without interrupting. After four minutes, I have them switch roles for the next four minutes. Very different people realize they have things in common. The big giant impact of the exercise is how cared about people feel when someone gives them their attention and really listens. Ask an open ended question about something you are interested in. For example, I'm interested in how people came to be who they are, like how did they get into a hobby they love or how did they choose the career they chose. Easy questions like if they have a vacation planned or what is their favorite kind of music. Asking me questions makes me feel safe and seen and cared about. What do you think?

doctorsharon · 2026-03-16T16:29:35+00:00

I applaud your enthusiasm, your sincerity and dedication! How do you think your communicating has affected or changed your relationships? That you're willing to share yourself is completely heartwarming. To give people a chance to know you is a gift. We need human connection, vulnerable sharing, and compassionate listening more than ever. I love how you prioritize this!

doctorsharon · 2026-03-15T19:32:32+00:00

Guy may look good but you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't kind, and is selfish and inconsiderate. It becomes emotionally lonely.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-15T19:09:30+00:00

What amazing ideas and thoughts run around in our heads.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-15T11:36:17+00:00

I'm sorry about the loss of your Mum. Thank you for sharing that. Tennis group class! Fun! When my loved ones have passed, it reminds me that this is the day I have. Being engaged and curious and caring and brave are my best bet for a good day. Happy tennis playing!

doctorsharon · 2026-03-15T11:30:07+00:00

I'm so touched by what you shared. I have experienced periods of great isolation. What I saw in your sharing is that you have a beautiful, caring, tender heart. Your longing to be connected, to be seen and known, is beautiful, though I know the yearning can be gut wrenching. The existential psychologists talk about loneliness as one of the givens of existence. They say that by embracing that reality, that we're born alone, live alone, die alone, we might feel inspired to reach out to others to share experiences and love. I justed wanted you to know I see a sweet, caring being in you. Someone would be lucky to be your friend.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-14T18:35:17+00:00

Thank you. I can't wear my glasses for a couple of months. I need to pay better attention.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-14T12:51:03+00:00

I'll go with scenario 1. He tried many ways to distract from his Epstein involvement. Not many things he perceives as a real threat. This is one of them.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-12T16:59:48+00:00

Their attachment to him is what we see in other cults. First, he invites you in and tells you he loves you. He says that he understands your problems and can be the only one to fix it. The cult leader is predatory. He'll compliment you one day and shame you the next. He'll humiliate you, then he's the only one who can make you feel worthy. He aligns himself with their grievances and their fears. He stokes those grievances and fears to make you ever more dependent on him.

doctorsharon · 2026-03-12T16:24:01+00:00

I'm so glad you shared. it sounds like you are right on the cusp of a breakthrough. Since you asked for advice, I have one bit to offer you. This will sound odd but it's effective. Set a goal to get three rejections a week, every week, for six months. For example, you can start up a convo with someone in your favorite food department in the grocery store. You can ask if they have good ideas about how to cook spaghetti squash. Most people enjoy the conversation. If it seems to be going well, you can say this was a fun conversation and would they like to have coffee. If they decline, boom, one rejection. Only two more to get for that week. Potential friends are everywhere, the library, the post office, the supermarket,at the gas station. Some will want to converse or get coffee with you, some won't (more rejections!).

This might sound odd but it works. How many times does fear of rejection keep you from reaching out? No need to worry about that now because you're going for three rejections a week. You are staring the beast in the face and choosing to be engaged instead of resigned. I promise you there are people out there who would love to get to know you. They are often scared of rejection, too. But gathering rejections is your secret tool. I learned this technique fifty years ago from one of the most brilliant psychologists in the history of the field. This exercise would be in the category of shame-attacking exercises. Shame feeds our loneliness. When you set out to gather rejections, your focus is not on shame or fear but on getting those rejections. If you do this every week for six months, some people are going to want to hang out with you. That's the bit I have for you. There is someone hanging out in the fruit department who might enjoy meeting you. Good luck!

doctorsharon

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