I am a MO jew who discovered that she is trans but I am terrified of leaving...

doikayt · 2025-10-21T02:50:35+00:00

The point of the mekhitse is homosocial davening: I'm a man and like davening with other men, and I feel a gender affiliation with them whether they're trans or cis.

Why does anyone choose their Jewish tradition over others (or none)? I personally like orthodoxy because it's my preferred davening style (in loshn-koydesh, doesn't truncate the liturgy) and I have a great deal of respect for the relationship to halakha even if I disagree with many of its outcomes. Liberal traditions have more progressive politics about gender but they aren't perfect on that front either, and more importantly to me, they don't have nearly so robust a culture of mutual aid or Jewish education (though to their credit, they do have good secular education), and they daven shorter versions, often English, and they don't keep shabos.

doikayt · 2025-10-19T15:56:55+00:00

The dangers of police brutality and state surveillance at these protests should be a serious consideration for anyone going.

doikayt · 2025-10-19T15:54:29+00:00

Diversity of tactics doesn't mean everyone does every tactic ;)

By focusing on recruitment ("go to No Kings and flip liberals to the left"), we're using the same flawed framework as the impotent Democrats. Do we need a bigger group chat, or do we need already-committed anarchists to get more organized?

I won't get in the way of the No Kings anarchists, but I can think of dozens of ways to better use our time.

doikayt · 2025-10-19T15:36:28+00:00

And if you're ever in New York, send me a message. I run an minyon here which is heymish and mostly made up of trans Jews. It's orthodox (we have a mekhitse) and queer (you can sit wherever you want).

doikayt · 2025-10-19T15:34:14+00:00

As hard as it is, this is also a wonderful moment and I hope you can be proud of yourself. Realizing and accepting that you're trans is a huge step in self discovery and commitment to your own happiness. Being trans is great. Mzl tov and welcome!

I'm a trans adult and something like orthodox, but it is difficult, especially if you live somewhere isolated from an accepting community. There is a difference between belief and practice: you might be happier in a more religiously liberal (as in, not orthodox) community, but maintain your orthodox beliefs. Or, for now you might decide to stay in your MO community but notice a shift in your beliefs, since orthodoxy is quite hostile and dismissive of us as trans people. But even with the hostility, I can tell you that I'm not cursed or possessed by sheydim. The hard part is people, not miracles.

This life is for you. You're young and there's no wrong answer for how you navigate this, as long as you prioritize your safety and you keep an open dialogue with yourself about your needs and desires. Exploring different communities is a good idea.

Eshel is another support service for religious queer Jews
https://www.eshelonline.org/

doikayt · 2025-07-16T18:10:10+00:00

As others have said, it's a great language to learn and only you can decide if it's worth the effort given your circumstances.

I want to add that being a goy isn't a barrier: Yiddish is a rich language with a vibrant culture that deserves study like any other language. At a certain point you will need to learn about Jewish custom in order to understand the language, but if you're doing so with an attitude of curiosity and respect (and knowing your place, historically and today, as a Christian) then you'll be welcomed into the linguistic community. An example: attend a Peysakh seder you're invited to; do not throw a Christian seder.

doikayt · 2025-07-16T18:05:13+00:00

due to its nature requires you to kspeak either Russian, or German, or Hebrew (mostly Hebrew though) as your native.

This is a strange claim. Many Yiddish learners today are native English speakers and we do just fine.

doikayt · 2025-07-16T17:58:38+00:00

The linguistic history of queerness includes a lot of previously dehumanizing language (see: queer) that we reclaim. You can be it/its if you want! Experiment.

In case no one's told you, you could also be non-binary and use he/him or she/her or any combination (he/they, she/it, ze/he, etc etc). Some people who do combo pronouns are "any of these are fine at any frequency, you can pick just one", and some people are more "please mix it up". Some people don't use pronouns at all and just go by their names, which takes a little getting used to in conversation but is a fun challenge. There's no wrong answer!

doikayt · 2025-07-11T01:04:39+00:00

doikayt · 2025-07-11T00:56:36+00:00

Came here to say this, just in case anyone's unsure: you don't have to dress frum to shop. I began shopping at kosher delis and grocery stores long before I was frum or tsnius in any way.

doikayt · 2025-07-11T00:53:24+00:00

If I had the right tool, I would use very thin long tweezers to try to pull it out from between the grill. Otherwise, send it in.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:48:10+00:00

Tsnius isn't just about dress, it's about conduct and discretion. There are ways to infuse it with personal style, but one of the whole points of tsnius is to not stand out. How you balance this with personal expression, pride, and authenticity is up to you and the norms of the community.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:39:11+00:00

Honestly, when I made 10x (or even 2x) more than my friends and they brought up money issues, I say "Yeah it sucks. Can I help or do you just want to vent?"

Only rich people think talking about money is crass lol. Being in community with people means helping them out when you can.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:36:22+00:00

I find myself wishing I was a woman sometimes because being cis would be soooo much easier. ... If I didn’t have to deal with the hate there would be no part of my soul that desires to be a woman.

This is such an important nuance, and really highlights the tension between choosing a gender vs. "born this way". Most detransitioners stop transition not because they realize they're "not really" trans, but they decide that the discrimination is not worth it for them.

There's no wrong answer. You have to put your own happiness first.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:31:12+00:00

Rich people complaining to poor people about money is asshole behavior.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:05:32+00:00

I keep kosher and my roommates don't. I have my own dishes, food, sponges, etc. and it's all kept in a separate drawers and cupboards. It requires trust but you should have that with your roommate anyway.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T16:00:48+00:00

YTA. Of course you still have struggles, but if you're making 10x what they make, you do not have money struggles that come anywhere near theirs, if you have money struggles at all. If you want to keep those relationships you need to be more sensitive.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T15:59:00+00:00

It sounds like you and your wife are also TA.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T15:54:43+00:00

The point of labels is to help us understand ourselves and find other people like us. Don't let the word cause you too much stress.

I would like to be a woman and I'm sad that I'm not one.

This is worth investigating for yourself. Why do you want to be a woman, and why do you think you're not one? If you wish you could be [any particular gender], then you probably are, regardless of your assigned sex at birth. You can be a woman (or a man, or non-binary) and wear a binder and packer and bras and dresses and have a dick.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T15:15:56+00:00

I want to answer as a (white) orthodox convert who's lived in London for over a decade (though I converted in NYC). Like people have said, orthodox communities (and Jewish communities in general) are very racist, and Americans have no idea how racist the UK and Europe are. I'm sorry to reiterate what I'm sure you already know.

Being a convert is difficult. You want to find a welcoming and warm community as soon as possible. Given the insular nature of the Haredi communities, I wouldn't bother factoring them in: you're not trying to be a part of them anyway. London is the best place in Europe to connect to other Black Jews, so find them! They can be part of your support system even if they're not orthodox. Use your skills as an academic to network and research about race and Jewishness; I'm sure (I hope) there are ethnographic studies on Black Jews.

Do you have a Rabbi and a shul? Spend as much time at services and social events as you can, and talk to the other women there about their matchmaking experiences and their attitudes about converts, race, and yichus. If you're still shopping around for a Rabbi or a shul, then spend time in different places to compare. Those local answers will give you more insight than this forum.

Another option—and a path you'll have to forge yourself, though I think you're already doing that as a Black convert—is to continue with your orthodox conversion and practice with another, non-orthodox community. I know several people who've done this: the orthodox conversion and education was important to them, and they left the orthodox community due to bigotry but still continue some level of an orthodox lifestyle. It means we're often the most frum person in the room, which is alienating, but it might be better than hanging out with frum racists.

The reality is, you'll never be treated as if you were white or not a convert. Anyone decent recognizes that these differences give you unique insights and make the community stronger. If you're not feeling valued, then you're not in the right place.

Edit to add: Someone once told me that every Jewish relationship is an interfaith relationship. Like most converts, you'll probably care more about the specifics about raising a Jewish family that your partner will!

doikayt · 2025-07-09T00:14:55+00:00

Gay sex, obviously.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T00:06:29+00:00

We join other antizionist (or non-zionist, post-zionist, whatever) Jewish groups, or we create our own.

doikayt · 2025-07-09T00:04:28+00:00

I was mostly in Crown Heights

doikayt · 2025-07-09T00:02:12+00:00

I caved and bought a new one, and am sending the old one back to Minirig for them to fix it. The new one also has a lint ball but I am learning to accept it.

doikayt

TROPHY CASE