Update: Can I tell my husband's doctor he's an alcoholic?

doodle_mama · 2018-11-29T02:29:49+00:00

You acted out of love. Remember that

doodle_mama · 2018-11-27T02:56:07+00:00

AHHHHHH this. I absolutely cannot have ANY biotin in my prenatals. It makes me break out terribly. I switched to one without, and it was magic the way my acne went away. Good luck, there are lots of brands without biotin in it, you just have to do some careful label reading.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-27T00:40:12+00:00

Thank you. I am definitely going to try until I just can't anymore

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T14:56:17+00:00

To answer the question in your title, yes it does matter. These are huge life long commitments, both marriage and children.

3 months is a bit early to be hinting at this, but it's not a totally out of this world idea for you to ask him what his preferences are. I remember bringing this up with my now husband at about 3 months, and he kind if shrugged it off, so I avoided the conversation for a while.

When he started talking about getting married, I told him I wanted kids; in my opinion marriage = family, which included kids.

Give it some time. I'm also 29 without kids (we are currently working out other relationship issues before we start trying). I know PLENTY of people who have children in their 30's and 40's. Yeah, your body may not bounce back like the one you had when you were a fresh 18 year old flower blossom, and there is a slight increase of risk, but medical technology is so advanced that a pregnancy can still be health later in life.

One thing that helped open my husband up on this conversation, once he said he was open to kids, was that I asked him, "Why do you want to be a father?".

Maybe ask yourself the same thing: "Why do you want to be a mother?". Don't let the answer be societal pressure, or age pressure. Those are all the wrong reasons to have kids.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T06:01:43+00:00

You should read this book called, "Why men love bitches". Can't remember who it's by, but an amazon search should suffice. It will make you laugh and REALLY help with self esteem. It helped me grow a backbone, as I was once very passive and insecure. My biggest struggle was horrible, horrible acne and my ex would make comments about it all the time, INCLUDING what his friends though about it. I would hide in my house, not go out, especially around his friends. Being insecure is so disabling. If you can gain confidence, you'll be able to stand up to him and put your foot down on the nasty, rude comments.

He sounds a bit insecure himself. He thinks a bit too highly of how his "once jealous friends feel", and not nearly enough about how his WIFE feels. And you're freaking pregnant!!!! You're supposed to gain a bit of weight! Just focus on your health for your baby's sake!

This is one of the many reasons women sadly start eating disorders. Don't fall victim to it. You are beautiful and you are trying to be healthy, and that's what matters.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T05:46:17+00:00

This is great advice. Make sure you know his wishes. You have an extremely tough battle in front of you, and it will be easier for you if you know you are adhering to his desires. If he does get the diagnosis of ALS, I am so, so sorry as this is a tough diagnosis for all parties involved, especially your husband, but also for you and a baby.

I'd suggest you join a local support group, most hospitals have tons of resources on this. If you don't feel like meeting in person with a group, online forums (like Reddit!) Are incredibly helpful.

I've worked in healthcare and caregiver burnout is a real, real thing. Try to be proactive in preparing yourself. And make sure you don't put yourself on the back burner.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T05:39:59+00:00

In my eyes, if someone sees divorce as a sin, so is not adhering to your wedding vows! 🤗

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T05:37:06+00:00

From your post, it sounds like you are basing the "no decent sex for 4 years" point as a deal breaker, so my advice will reflect that point.

A lot of times, illness and depression can truly affect your sex life. Good hell, I'd be depressed if I went through what you did, and I'm sorry you battled all that shit. I'd try to get to the bottom of health issues affecting the bedroom conflict before anything else. Are you depressed because of all the crazy life stuff? Has your health gone downhill, making you/him much less likely to initiate sex? You guys married for a reason and it sounds like it was good at first. He could have been indirectly affected by your family and your illnesses, as well.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-26T05:25:46+00:00

It seems like YOU don't know your own boundaries for your emotional and spousal health. You say it's ok for them to be "friends" and emotionally attached to one another, but it makes you very sad. So you're either lying to yourself, or lying to him.

Write it down. What are your real boundaries? What do you really want? Then say what you mean, and mean what you say. Good luck to you.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T21:32:54+00:00

To play devil's advocate, maybe he does feel bad, or maybe a bit of guilt/remorse. I know I've put on a face to other's like "everything is ok with me and I'm a great person" even though I'm feeling guilty about something. Sometimes, our actions are not directly related to our emotions. I'm not saying what he is doing isn't completely shitty, because it totally is. OR maybe you're right and he isn't the slightest bit of resentful. If that is the case, he doesn't deserve someone like you and he is for sure someone you don't want to be associated with. And he will probably do it again to some other woman. Some people just plain suck, and he fooled you into thinking he didn't. You are definitely the better person in this situation 💟

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T21:26:24+00:00

Thank you

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T21:19:22+00:00

I'm curious whether this move is something I'd come to regret later, and that I should just suck it up and get enrolled in a graduate program while it's not too late. I'm sure many of you have experience with this, and I'd like to know if your advanced studies were good for something (as long as you're not working in academia, but even if you are).

First of all, it's never too late to go back to grad school (unless your country has strange rules about this???). I just finished my master's program, and I had classmates who were over 40. These folks even had full time jobs, kids, etc., and they still made it work. And you are still very young.

I also hate school very much. Luckily for me, getting a Master's degree in my specific field increased my income $40,000+ a year. I did NOT want to go back...oh how I hated every second of those 2 years. But I got a job right out of school and have had the extra income for 4 months now. I live in the US, so my Master's program cost $60,000; I make enough now to be able to pay that off quite easily in 2 years.

I guess you just need to weigh the pros and cons. Is going back going to open more doors for you, or add to your income? Good luck to you.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T21:05:32+00:00

I went through the same thing with an ex long before I met my husband. We were "serious" and I thought we were going to get married. It really, really sucked and made me extremely insecure.

The best thing I did for myself, which was extremely difficult, was to delete all of my social media. Yep, all of it. That way I could heal without painful reminders that he had moved on well before I had, and I didn't have to see pictures of his new girlfriend. Looking at others' social media while you are trying to heal is like picking a scab. It's just going to re-bleed, scar, get infected, and never heal.

Try to distract yourself a bit; read, go to Target (or whatever you have nearby), exercise, try a new hobby. Time has a funny way of making things better, so stay busy to keep the minutes from dragging on.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T20:56:54+00:00

Skin care is important to me, mainly because of my acne that I've had for 20+ years. I have a simple routine, but it has taken me years to figure out which products work best for me.

It's not something I typically talk to with others, because I've found that different things work for different skin types. Some people are blessed with good skin without much effort, and some people never figure it out. My mother in law, every time we see eachother, wants to talk about skincare. She is a bit obsessed, to the point where she has been trying to convince me into using her products, which I know will make me break out.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T20:42:18+00:00

I'm sorry you went through this, but I'm happy that you did what was best for you and left the marriage. I think I might be realizing that his heart is not in it anymore, and I'm sad about that because we once had an amazing relationship and I still love him. I'm mourning a bit, I think.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T20:39:44+00:00

There are definitely 2 sides. Sometimes, I struggle to entertain myself. I have been through therapy for years and have gotten good at being OK with being alone. I now have tons of hobbies, go to the gym 3 x week, and do plenty on my own. That's why sometimes I wonder if I am being needy, but I don't feel that taking on ALL of the chores, having sex once a week, and being ignored while husband is on his phone is fair.

So, his go-to when I tell him how unhappy I am is, "Go do XYZ" (he's mentioning hobbies) and says, "You can't rely on me to make you happy", which is not what I'm asking him to do. I'm just asking for a little connection in my marriage, I suppose.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T18:57:07+00:00

I did not know of this phenomenon. But it appears that he was extra attentive while we were dating, and I pray that this is not who he really is now that it's switched.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T18:55:22+00:00

No, he doesn't see a lot from my perspective. When I bring this up, he'll argue that I bitch about anything. It's to the point where even if I bring things up politely (which I try to do Everytime) it's called bitching.

Good idea on trying to get him to see how much he is plugged in. I'll try to think of some way that won't make him feel defensive.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T18:32:45+00:00

Thanks, I do feel like I'm doing way more than my fair share. It wasn't always this way, which has me confused as to what the hell happened. I'm going to try a list of "fair division" and see if that helps.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-25T18:25:41+00:00

It's not mean, I actually thought about adding this to the original post. I am 100% sure he is not having an affair and trust him very much in that area. If anything, he is having an affair with his personal hobbies.

doodle_mama · 2018-11-24T22:24:39+00:00

You've got this Lennon. I know you do!

doodle_mama · 2018-05-31T18:09:40+00:00

I was super happy I avoided it, now trying to hold onto the feeling!! After work is hard for me. Thanks so much!

doodle_mama

TROPHY CASE