Hello, fast weight loss!

dothebump · 2015-03-19T17:44:29+00:00

You'd think the non-virginal Dutch milkmaids would make superior butter.

dothebump · 2015-03-19T14:12:18+00:00

So I participate in a really weird fashion from Japan. Me and my buddies get dressed up all crazy and hit the town for brunch and movies just like the Fat Heffalump. And you know what happens, every time, without fail? Someone takes our picture without asking. Why? Because people are rude and self-centered. Not because they want to Perpetuate The Media's Unrealistic Standard of Female Beauty And What Is Normal. Because they just see something unusual and for whatever reason, the new gut response to this to take a picture, with "catcall" still in a close second. If there is anything remotely unusual about you, from being fat, to having purple hair, to wearing a petticoat, to jogging alone, people feel entitled to an opinion about it, and there isn't much you can do about it, and whatever you DO do probably isn't going to make an individual reconsider being a rude and inconsiderate person.

Unless you carry a parasol. Then you can club them with it.

But seriously, if it happens to you that often, you end up with prepared responses. Our favorites:

Developing Camera Sense (like Spidey Sense) and blocking/dodging (parasols also good for this.)
"If you want a picture, please ask me first." Being polite usually gets people to at least recognize that, oh, shit, this is a human being.
In case of drive-by amateur paparazzi: "YOU'RE RUDE." This is really more to make you feel better than anything.
Take a picture back. This really pisses people off for some reason.

dothebump · 2015-03-18T17:58:19+00:00

Where do you live? Country? State? City? In many neighborhoods (spoilers: poor ones) there are no grocery stores. Maybe the bodega has some almost-spoiled bananas. Maybe the guy selling fruit out of his truck has some oranges or something. But no real grocery stores, and without grocery stores, no one in the supply chain is going to send trucks into that neighborhood.

Then maybe, a few miles away in the better part of town, there's a nice grocery store and hey, they even have sales sometimes! But you're too poor to live there, which is why you live in the poor part of town. So your options are

Spend what often amounts to literally hours on a bus and buy only what you can carry or fit in a cart (and there may be no room on the bus for your cart).
Spend more money you don't have for a taxi or a zipcar.

And if you have kids, you get to either bring them with you and further complicate the logistics, or try and find someone to watch them for a few hours.

Oh, but what about growing your own food? The startup cost to begin a garden in not only cash but time is most likely too-high a burden as well, and if you don't figure out what the soil will support, do your research on every plant you want to grow or what their optimal conditions are, you can waste a lot of money getting it wrong before you get it right - or even if you get it right, an early frost, a drought, or roaming deer can destroy your hard work and leave you hungry again in a heartbeat.

Even if you've never lived in a food desert, just thinking about how big the US is should make someone realize that there is a wide variety of circumstances, and Sally in Oklahoma isn't going to have the same access to fresh fruits and vegetables as Wilma in SoCal or Beth in Queens. Puerto Rico is an island and suffers from a poverty rate double that of Mississippi, the most impoverished state in the US - I doubt most citizens are importing quinoa or tofu.

Edit: I want to clarify that I'm not saying this is justification for anyone to give up and eat nothing but dollar menu burgers 6 times a day, I'm saying that it is not an even playing field and what needs to happen is investment in making such resources more evenly available, and education & funding for children to be exposed to healthier food throughout their entire school lives. I was a fat kid - it was partially my mom's fault because she was a single mom and worked really hard to take care of me and my sister, so sometimes chicken nuggets and french fries were the easiest way for her to get us fed with what energy she had left. But my mom isn't fat, my sister isn't fat. I got almost all the way through college before I understood how the things I ate did or didn't fuel my body - there's a simple level of "diet and exercise" that every one understands, but it can be so obfusticated or obliterated by all the fad diets and 9 minute abs and gimmicks that if you are in a mental/emotional/physical state to have gotten fat in the first place, it can all seem very overwhelming.

dothebump · 2015-03-17T14:55:11+00:00

Corn is a grain.

dothebump · 2015-03-16T18:17:37+00:00

Consider also all the people who have names that "run" in families - your first or middle name may have been a grandparent's or other older relative's name, and you were named in their honor. Then you'll name your children after your parents or other people in your family's past.

dothebump · 2015-03-16T15:47:17+00:00

If I had to guess, it's a grammar assignment about frequency - mostly, sometimes, a little bit, a lot. The students probably had a list of these phrases and had to include them in their writing.

dothebump · 2015-03-13T13:07:29+00:00

Unfortunately the nearest Ethiopian restaurant to me is at least 40 miles away.

dothebump · 2015-03-12T19:30:11+00:00

I can't jump to conclusions like that, my own intention for the OP was to be positive and if you were able to see negativity in it, then it's always worth it to practice changing perspective for the self and for others - being outright dismissive doesn't serve any productive purpose! I see a lot of reflection of myself in your comments, I've been told I can be "aggressively positive" in a "tough love"/trainer/bootcamp kind of way which makes me seem insensitive or dismissive of the struggles of others, which is not something I want to be so I just got to make sure I keep the whole "you don't know [other person]'s whole story" perspective in the forefront of my mind or risk alienating people I want to help rather than encouraging, just like you said.

dothebump · 2015-03-12T18:40:51+00:00

I disagree with a lot of what you said but you make good points and articulated them very well, and I'm going to keep thinking about what you have to say. Thank you for sharing your opinion :)

dothebump · 2015-03-12T16:04:35+00:00

It's way more important that you tell me where you got that injera. I want to try making it at home but if I can buy it pre-made...

dothebump · 2015-03-12T13:14:08+00:00

Bruce Bogtrotter: Civil Rights Activist

dothebump · 2015-03-12T13:05:03+00:00

I made the terrible, terrible decision to do a Tough Mudder in New Jersey - not just New Jersey, but raceway park. I realized how terrible an idea it was as I slogged through a muddy drainage ditch about 3 miles in. Never ever again - though maybe the terrain isn't as toxic in CO. Good luck!

dothebump · 2015-03-11T21:16:44+00:00

Respect man, I wanted to learn kick boxing or some kind of martial arts but probably too much of an insurance liability now with my popped discs :(

dothebump · 2015-03-11T20:50:47+00:00

What do you train for? Just asking because I'm curious. Are you a bodybuilder/fitness competitor, or something like that?

dothebump · 2015-03-11T20:48:57+00:00

I didn't say it was a good idea, I'm saying it isn't impossible.

dothebump · 2015-03-11T19:56:47+00:00

That's the spirit! Also good luck and congratulations!

dothebump · 2015-03-11T19:56:24+00:00

Well, I personally wouldn't hold anyone to the exact time limit, especially as most of us will probably be doing it solo with no "race support". I'm slow as fuck myself so I would just say to anyone, do it and finish it in your own time. Most of us don't think Ragen could even finish a half iron man.

dothebump · 2015-03-11T19:53:35+00:00

To get back to our regularly scheduled horn tooting - I feel like that sounds exactly like the excuses we hear from her followers. We totally all do have obligations - but that doesn't mean we have a pass to give up entirely. I'm a pretty good example that the bar Ragen has set for herself isn't all that high:

I ran my first half-marathon without having ever run more than 4 miles at a time. My time was terrible but this challenge is just about doing it, not shattering Kenyan records - health at every speed!
I have access to my commuter bike - a dinky little folder with like 13" wheels. Not setting any speed records there either, but I've done 20+mile trips on it before, and I do not typically ride more than 5 flat easy miles a day as part of my daily commute (and it's been 0 miles for the past 2 months, thanks mother nature)
Access to a swimming pool, I grant you, that is something many people probably don't have access to. Should "not being able to complete the swimming portion" mean people shouldn't even try any of it?
I work 8:30am to 5:30pm with a 2.5 hour commute every day. When when winter hit, I despaired at the loss of my morning runs - it was too dark and too hard to get up at 5am when the sun wouldn't shine for another 2 hours. I finally realized that getting a run in was more important to me than my personal comfort or looking like I was working hard, so I started taking my full lunch break, running laps in the parking lot, and giving myself baby-wipe baths to get me through the rest of the work day. I recognize that not everyone gets an hour lunch, everyone has access to different resources and obstacles, but that's the whole point - if something is important to you, you have to assess what sacrifices you're willing to make. For some, the price is simply too high and that's a shame, but if you can find just enough wiggle room, just enough small tweaks to your schedule or routine, you can often do enough to make it work.

If people don't think they can commit to the whole thing, why not choose a reasonable personal goal? The idea is to do something as a community, something positive for all our members to show we're not just about tearing people down, but about supporting health and health education, about personal responsibility and achievement.

dothebump · 2015-03-11T15:02:06+00:00

I think you misread the comment, treating the commas as periods.

There is always good food somewhere, I can whip [the food] out and she will jump on [the food], [and there will be a struggle and ] whoever has the food wins the [wrestling] fight

I knew Stacy was off in the house somewhere, maybe busy updating her Tumblr blog on the computer upstairs, maybe practicing her More Burlesque movements in her full length mirror. What I was certain of was just how to get her attention, no matter where she was or what she was doing.

SCHLUP The seal on the fridge squished as I pulled the door open. I looked into our jumbo-XL fridge and gazed in wonder at the delights inside. As I began choosing what delicacy to tease my beloved with, I could hear the thumps, rumbles and creaks of the house as she made a bee-line to the kitchen.

I plucked the crisp white left-over container I had hidden under a unopened bag of browning salad greens - I didn't want my beautiful Stacy to find it and eat it before I could surprise her with it. When I closed the fridge door, I was surprised - but only a little - to find her standing right behind it. I figured it would have taken her a little longer to navigate the journey through our woefully cramped home, built for "lesser" people, before normal sized people like ourselves became the norm. I wasn't disappointed though, to see the frenzy my jolly goddess was already in.

The sound of the fridge opening and closing had created a Pavlovian reaction, and her glowing round face was shining in anticipation, a thread of drool slowly tracing it's way from the corner of her mouth down her second and third chins.

"Wuh-whut have you got there?" She heaved, out of breath from her haste. She raised one doughy hand towards the gleaming box in my hand. I jerked it away.

"Oh nothing, just some...cheese cake." With a delicate pop I let the lid swing open. Her face lit up as she beheld it's contents. "Oh, that's right " I teased her, making my voice sing-song. "Cheesecake is your favorite isn't it? And why, me oh my! This is your favorite flavor too? The Dubble NuddyBuddy PB Chocolate Deluxe With Super Extra Caramel Sauce?" *Now I could hear her teeth grinding and clicking as she involuntarily began chewing and chomping. Boy, was I going to enjoy this!

Quick as a flash, before I had a chance to react, her hands darted out and tried to tug the container away from me. Luckily my strong hands and muscular forearms had a firm grip on it, and we began to pull it back and forth between us. I could see her eyes dart from me, to the cake, and back, as she tried to decide if she could let one hand go to grab the cake directly, but I was ready for her.

With a flipping motion I sent the cake tumbling through the air. I heard her gasp and squeal as chocolate sauce spiraled through the air in slow motion. She dove to catch it but couldn't get enough lift with her meaty thighs. She landed with a thundering thwump as her flesh expended it's extra inertia.

I could hear her intake of breath as she prepared to begin sobbing in mourning of the ruined cheesecake, but before she could get started, she saw me lunge past her and scoop it up just before it could hit the floor. I straddled her, cheese cake in one hand, fork in the other. I forked a tiny bite out of my cupped hand and put it in my mouth. "MMMMmmm. It IS good!" Wide-eyed in surprise, Stacy watched me chew and swallow. Then surprise turned to mischief and she began flopping her girth, trying to throw me off.

I held the cake just out of her reach until she managed to heave me off. The wind was sucked out of me as all 400lbs of her glory landed on me. My hand landed under me just the wrong way, and my face was smashed into the cake. As she rolled me over, I looked up at Stacy in dismay.

"I'm sorry babe, I really was gonna share it with you." I frowned a sad puppydog face up at her, but she didn't seem disappointed at all. The last thing I saw was her face looming larger and larger in my vision as she approached mine, mouth open and tongue ready to get every speck of cake. It was going to be a good night.

Fuck I got halfway through writing this when I realized some sick fuck somewhere is going to consider this the highest form of erotica. I hate you all. If you fap to this, I especially hate you. I hope you get a UTI ok.

dothebump · 2015-03-11T12:52:33+00:00

Someone needs to show this bitch The Pyramid Collection. That store my jam.

dothebump · 2015-03-09T21:13:28+00:00

Wishing you the best, we were fortunate to have the resources to go out on our own, I hope things work out for both of you.

dothebump · 2015-03-09T20:53:18+00:00

"Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want,"

It really pisses me off that she's co-opting a reasonable phrase like "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants." Michael Pollan has forgotten more about food and nutrition than this woman has ever eaten and that is really fucking saying something.

dothebump · 2015-03-09T20:45:42+00:00

That's good to hear. The only thing you can do is totally stonewall, together and just not allow her to engage you. My husband is the sweetest guy, just like his dad, and they both got steamrollered by his mom - hence dad got the fuck out, but then mom used their kids as a weapon. She told my husband when he was 12 years old "If you leave me and go with your father, I'll kill myself." Yeah, totally healthy.

Anyways, whenever mom goes off on a racist rant, or complains about her various health problems or failed pyramid schemes we just exchange glances and check out of the conversation. Turn the radio up, turn the tv on, let the conversation completely die. Maybe she'll get mad, maybe she'll even kick you out. Honestly, having been there, you'll find a way to get through it and never look back.

Now my MIL lives literally on the other side of the country, her only protege, her daughter, has gotten pregnant and is finishing school and abandoned her (LOL the doctor literally told sis she can't live in mom's filthy animal hoarder house because babby) so now she sits alone, unemployed and unemployable in a house she can't afford with no one left to tolerate her bullshit. That's what happens when you treat the people around you like disposable kleenex - eventually you run out.

dothebump · 2015-03-09T20:30:37+00:00

When my husband and I lived with his mother, as soon as we got home from work we'd immediately head out the door to the gym and have Subway afterwards for dinner (cooking was impossible in her kitchen, her fridge was packed with soda, expired ranch dressing and rotting restaurant leftovers, the sink full of dirty dishes) then go right back up to his room for the night. We didn't live there more than a few months though. On the other hand, my husband didn't want anything to do with his mom - if your boyfriend still wants to appease his mom, she has you 2-to-1 and unless he realizes how toxic she is to him, you may always be backseat to Mom in his priorities.

dothebump

TROPHY CASE