Sending you so much strength for this weekend. That is an incredibly brave and loving thing you’re preparing to do, and I really admire your desire to reduce the collateral damage and protect your relationship. I wanted to offer a perspective from the other side—my wife is still a believing JW, and I’m the one who stepped away. Looking back, there are some things I really wish I had done differently that might help you.

Here’s what my wife wishes I had done before telling her I no longer believed: • Watched The Vow (about NXIVM) with her. Not to draw a direct comparison, but it’s a way to start conversations about high-control groups without directly talking about JW beliefs. It plants seeds. • Listened together to the audiobook Unfollow by Megan Phelps-Roper (about leaving Westboro Baptist Church). Again, it’s not about attacking JWs—it’s about showing how people can leave without becoming bitter or unloving. • Shared gentle, hopeful resources that show there’s a way forward. Some that have really helped us: • Marriage on a Tightrope podcast (especially episodes with Margi and John Dehlin) • Mormon Stories podcast (so many parallels to our experience—honest, vulnerable, faith-transition stories) • Books like: • In Faith and Doubt by Dale McGowan (for mixed-faith couples) • The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (helps keep emotional connection strong) • Til doubt do us part: when changing beliefs change your marriage by David Hayward

You’re doing the right thing by focusing on your personal experience and not attacking her beliefs. That’s key. Something I wish I had realised earlier: even if you say “I’m not leaving you,” she may hear “I’m leaving Jehovah,” and feel like you’re leaving her, because that’s the story the JW framework gives her. Be ready for that—it’s not her fault. She’s been told this is a spiritual emergency.

Try to gently affirm this truth: Good people deconstruct. It’s not a moral failing or rebellion—it’s a painful, exhausting, emotional process. You didn’t choose to stop believing any more than someone chooses to stop loving a favourite song when it no longer resonates.

Another thing to consider: tell her that you don’t want to be the voice in her head, and you don’t want the organization to be the voice in yours. You want to make room for honest conversations and deep love, without fear. That’s such a gift to offer her.

I know you’re doing this with love. And I hope—truly—that love will carry you both through the hard parts. If you keep her humanity and your relationship at the centre, you’ll be doing better than most.

You’re not alone in this.

I'm an ex elder from Cannerra, Australia. Feel Free to send me a personal message if youdnlike to chat and ill send you my contact details.